Sounds like the real issue wasn't your kids' activities it was the new house, the sugardaddy feelings, etc. I do the same thing with my H. He wanted to take this over night trip and I got all upset about the money. Really about my upset that he is paying for his own apt. lawyers, everything else. Not the trip. So it's hard, but the task is to try to separate it out. Don't get baited into arguing about something else like your kids' activities.
What I do is go off my myself, talk to a friend, talk on here, journal, whatever to sort out my own anger and pain. Then if and when there is a chance to really talk to my H about this and he is in a place to really hear it, then it can be about the real subject. If H and/or I can't talk about that, I deal with my feelings on my own and try not to get into it with H. There's no point. Otherwise, it will just be a big fight.
On the other hand, if she (or you) can't stick to the topic of your kids' activities without all the other stuff clouding the discussion - which of course it will this is totally understandable - just walk away until this topic can be resolved without the other emotions. I would maybe send her an email or something brief about the activity you support because it saves a few pennies. That is really good and to the point. Make sure she sticks to the point or drop the conversation.
Thanks Hope. I didn't get all upset. She did. I have been going for a lot of walks in the evenings. Every night I go at least a couple of miles. It keeps me from saying something stupid.
I have been upset most of the week though. Last Thursday we hugged. She was emotionally available. She said she pictured this would be temporary. She slept in my bed and kissed me a little over a week ago.
This week, she has been distant and cold. I guess it should be expected, but she keeps excluding me from stuff in my own house. We (Me, W & S) started to watch a movie two nights ago. S's bed time came and we stopped the movie. "We'll watch the rest of it tomorrow" W said. Last night, I got home (they were just finishing up a big dinner w/o me)and had to run to the store. By the time I got back, they were 1/2 hour into the movie. It seems petty, but I felt very left out. I haven't said much about anything lately, but I told my wife that I didn't get what was happening int he movie now and I had wished that she called me. She kind of blew it off. She has frequently done inconsiderate things like this and blames me for being oversensitive when I say that I have felt left out.
There are 100 other examples of this going on right now.
I have wanted to just say F-it and ask her to go file this week. At least tell her if she goes it won't be temporary because I don't want her to come back. It's more comfortable when she's not there at this point.
I feel so disrespected as a husband. I want to say "If this move out thing is temporary, then at least put your ring back on." or "I am uncomfortable with you here, when are you planning to get out?"
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
With all of this said, she has been oddly cordial to me. Not much anger. Just a lot of distance. She complimented my haircut and seems to be coming up with reasons to call or E-mail me at work the past couple of days.
It feels like such a game. I'm really fighting the urge to tell her to pick a direction and go with it.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I know. I get the same mixed messages. Can I just say hang in there? She's not gone yet, so part of her wants to be there no matter what she says? I want my H to pick a direction too. But I also feel relief when I know he hasn't picked the direction of D yet. They open, they close, they give, they take. It's a roller coaster. I want to tell him to stick it too. But then it would all be over, and he'd blame me. Not going to do it.
sounds like time for some boundaries however. If she is to be around - what behavior will you tolerate, which won't you? Bottom lines - you'll walk away if she... you'll hang out with her if she... you will tolerate.... you won't tolerate...
If what you want and need is for her to make a solid decision one way or the other, then respect your own need for this. If you don't want to play guessing games any more, your bottom line could be that you won't hang out with her until a decision is made on her part. This will protect your emotions. Just an example, but a way to protect and care for yourself. Hang in there - I'm right there with ya.
You're right. I need to do a better job with boundaries.
I haven't really done anything here because my only recourse would be to tell her that if she..., I would leave/ask her to leave. Well, I don't want to leave my home. I didn't want her to either. So that has been a struggle for me. In addition, she has wanted to be apart so it would be more like a reward than a consequence at this point. Another BIG thing is that one of the major themes i nher revolving issues is that I have tried to control her. If I told her that if she...I would... she would see this as controlling and feel justified in her fog.
I'll have to put some thought to this. I kind of want her to go this week though.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I'm having a hard time thinking of the good times this week. All I can think of are the times when she would be inconsiderate or do things that I hate. A lot of this has come since the bomb, but there were some of these things berore too. It didn't happen very often, but over 12 years there were enough times that I'm struggling this week.
I logically know that we had a great marriage and good times outweighed the bad 100 to 1. Hearing her talk about how unhappy she has been, how it was a mistake to marry me, how it was all a lie has really made me question if this is the woman that I want.
I feel horrible for even thinking this way, but it's there this week.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
If what you want and need is for her to make a solid decision one way or the other, then respect your own need for this. If you don't want to play guessing games any more, your bottom line could be that you won't hang out with her until a decision is made on her part. This will protect your emotions. Just an example, but a way to protect and care for yourself. Hang in there - I'm right there with ya.
Good advice. Adopting the Stockdale Paradox helped me deal with that dilemma. Smiley calls it the "Spiers Doctrine" from Band of Brothers, "You can't be a good soldier until you realise you are dead." You have to be driving towards parallel outcomes, divorce or reconciliation. Thinking thru that helps you detach. You don't control the outcome. You only control your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Do what you have to to thrive no matter the outcome.
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I'm having a hard time thinking of the good times this week. All I can think of are the times when she would be inconsiderate or do things that I hate. A lot of this has come since the bomb, but there were some of these things berore too. It didn't happen very often, but over 12 years there were enough times that I'm struggling this week.
I logically know that we had a great marriage and good times outweighed the bad 100 to 1. Hearing her talk about how unhappy she has been, how it was a mistake to marry me, how it was all a lie has really made me question if this is the woman that I want.
I feel horrible for even thinking this way, but it's there this week.
Change your thinking and get busy doing. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You're right. I need to do a better job with boundaries.
I haven't really done anything here because my only recourse would be to tell her that if she..., I would leave/ask her to leave. Well, I don't want to leave my home. I didn't want her to either. So that has been a struggle for me. In addition, she has wanted to be apart so it would be more like a reward than a consequence at this point. Another BIG thing is that one of the major themes i nher revolving issues is that I have tried to control her. If I told her that if she...I would... she would see this as controlling and feel justified in her fog.
I get it. I do the same thing with my H. I don't want to "reward" him by letting him go. But that's DB. We need to demonstrate the 180 of acceptance, or else they do feel controlled. They will never make the decision one way or the other to be with us as long as they are reacting to our pressure to reconcile.
My advice is more an inner attitude - doesn't have to be said directly to spouse. And it doesn't have to be as extreme as "If W does.... then I'll leave". It can be an inner attitude of smaller 180's - "if W .... then I will .... leave the room... not talk to her... watch tv or eat by myself... " the point being that your bottom line is for you and you alone. You know that in that moment you don't want to be treated that way so you won't. In that moment. Nothing even has to be said. They will notice.
Per your response to my thread - I'm trying that tonight too. I know that bottom line, I don't want to be rejected any more. I will not attempt to cuddle him or hug him not to get a reaction out of him, but because I don't want to feel the pain of being the only one interested in working on this M. I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I also don't want to be blamed for all our problems. Does this mean I will just up and leave him for good? No. I don't want that either. But if I am pursuing someone who is unavailable to me, and hurting me through their blame, I need to take care of myself better. I have to realize this is no good for me. So tonight, a small step. I will go out after dinner. When he is here, I will go exercise and go to the library to work or read books. I will take care of me. Not for his reaction. Because I'm hurting myself by trying to convince someone who isn't ready to be close to me. It is kind of controlling. We need to recognize that.
"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."
Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book, In Love and War. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism’s carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one’s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.
