WAW and 4 kids

[1853dave]

"She sees it differently - she wants to work less and have me pay her more so she can have her free time, which she uses to work out, shop, and talk to OM for hours a day!"

Yeah, typical dreamy WAW thinking...

I have a few guys here telling me their wives say the same thing. 2 out of 3 of them are WAWs.... Go figure.

I have read it here on the forum, and I know a guy who successfully DB'd to keep his W, and it seems that sometimes reality has to sink in before they realize how good things were all along. I would predict the same in my sitch.

[tryingtilDorR]

I did something that seemed kind of silly but fun, but once I started I kept going. I had a free consultation with a psychic, and I was so intrigued I ended up paying for several more from different ones just to hear what they had to say and compare. I do believe that people can 'see' things but I was always skeptical whether this actually works, especially over the phone. The cynical side of me says that some of this feedback can be generic once they understand you are having M problems, but they seem very convincing (its a business I have to tell myself). I do NOT recommend this to anyone unless you are doing it for entertainment value for the most part. It is like gambling - if you are doing it to just have fun it is OK, but don't do it as a way to solve your financial problems

In all of the cases below all I told them was that I was having problems in the marriage and gave them my name, DOB and wife's name & DOB. For some I mentioned that there was an OP in them and some of them picked it up on their own.

Anyway - here are the notes - they all are fairly consistent. A couple were more negative than the others.

No matter what they said I am trying to take charge of this as much as I can anyway and not leaving it to 'fate'. In fact the last guy below told me as much - that free will can influence things in many directions.

Note that the first one was told nothing but my name and DOB, and she picked up on M problem and OM.


You are confused and at a crossroads – new beginnings are coming
There have been many adjustments and miscommunications going on in your life
You are asking “Where do I go from here?” - is it your M?
There is an outside influence – seems to be a male
I see him falling away at some point and the marriage being renewed
If she leaves you for him he will leave her and she will come to understand that somehow
Direction she is headed isn’t right
There is a chance for your marriage
She knows what she is doing is wrong
There are still feelings for each other but she is trying to tune them out or not focusing on it
Other relationship has put a hold on the marriage and made it rough and caused lots of unnecessary drama
I don’t believe they are really in love – it was just a different experience for her and she got caught up
She doesn’t leave you for him, and will see how much trouble she causes and will make a choice


Relationship is distant but W doesn’t want to close the distance
She doesn’t know if she wants to work on it (she is reluctant to tell you this)
She can’t put past behind her – she can’t see the forest through the trees
Everything is all mixed up for her
She is afraid of the past and that she will revisit it with you
Other Person (OP) is not the solution for her and not the person that she thinks he is
You are the one who is warm, caring, and wants to try and that is what she really wants and doesn’t see
She has been stuck in the past and can’t see through
She needs to calm down and look at herself.
She has created a mess and not a solution – she is looking for romance and attention.
When the two of you get together there is a tug of war


Final breakup is not happening
Her other relationship with OP is a bad relationship – he is very manipulative and she would not be happy (she knows this deep down)
Other relationship causes a lot of interference and impacts a lot of her ability to focus on marriage
She has the darker personality than you and has lots of emotions that she needs to work through
She needs to get a new perspective – she will or needs to get it through you
Deep down she doesn’t want to leave


She can’t find a way to rekindle her feelings for you
She has pushed aside her feelings for you – it is easier to run than work on it in her mind
OP isn’t going to maintain the excitement of the relationship
She loves you still and the feelings are just buried under a lot of resentment but not too far buried
She has been intimate with the OP (physical) but it wasn’t that great and they do much better verbally


The best thing to do is leave her alone right now
You have kept it together while she argues her position and is stubborn and tried to make you the decider
She is an unworkable partner right now and have you to do everything
This is/has/will be been hard on 2 of the kids (older ones?)
She doesn’t want a full partner right now
She needs to have her own peace and will go places to get away
She is disappointed about your impact on her financial situation and doesn’t want a man in the way of this
She is a spoiled brat
She expect a male to not let her get along with her attitude
She thinks she needs a break to take care of herself
She needs the OP to be right – she confides in him about you and the marriage. She hasn’t suggested or viewed him as a substitute.
This one (OP) needs to go
She is overwhelmed
She gets over this eventually
She is a basic needs person
Relationship is rocky but is not in trouble – problems are more of a symptom of her dissatisfaction with her life
There will be a new situation in the future and this current state will pass
Don’t give up on her the outlook is very good
She knows different and that divorce isn’t the answer
OP HAS to go – it is not a good situation and is hurting the marriage


There is something to salvage in the marriage
You were warned about problems with her and need to take your denial glasses off
She has changed a lot in the last 8 years and you may not recognize it
Harness the energy from this situation and achieve financially and be aggressive about your work
You can maintain your current situation with her but it is not healthy – something will need to change
There is disappointment coming from her soon
Her other relationship will end poorly. Right now it is cozy.
She is not going to get what she needs from him
People are seeing what they want to see in others
He (OP) appears to be young, or just acts young. He is a do-nothing guy. Not responsible. He will move on to his next challenge at some point.


She needs to say goodbye to him completely or you should pack it in
She needs to decide to work on the marriage or you should pack it in
She has to work with you on this.
It will not work out if she does not make changes and you will live a frustrating life with this woman
She can kid herself all she wants about this other guy but he will be an enormous disappointment to her - she won’t know or accept this until she realizes it herself (nobody can tell her)
He is more than happy to have relationships with married women and might prefer it
This guy will let her down in a big way
The relationship with him is not the answer for her and in her heart she probably knows
She doesn’t want to be married right now and wants freedom

[tryingtilDorR]

OK back to reality. Since the weekend when I confronter her about her other phone things seem to be going reasonably well. She told me she doesn't have the phone anymore, so I have asked her what happened to it - did she give it back to OM? I haven't gotten an answer on it yet. She never confirmed OM gave it to her either but if it was given to her then HE had to have done it. Whatever.

I told her (again) I am not willing to share her with OM at all and that I expect her to stop talking to him altogether, regardless if she is still deciding on what to do about the M. She 'claims' she isn't talking to him which I don't believe so oh well. It is about all I can do - I can't force her. I don't argue about it either - I just make my opinion known calmly.

Other than that things have been going reasonably well as compared to the past couple months. The tension level has dropped and we are having more and more normal relaxed conversations it seems. She is initiating things once in a while and telling me about thniga that happen to her - it is amazing that I notice such a minor thing as being important.

However, I know she has been perusing rental want ads here and there in the past week. That is OK - let her really think about life will be like if she leaves and make an educated choice. She has also seen a L and realizes that it is unlikely that we would be able to keep our home if we split which is damaging for our kids. I know she won't be happy if she bails out. However, let her understand reality and not just live in her fantasy world. It could help things but if it doesn't I know just how far gone she really is.

[tryingtilDorR]

Our bed is 20 years old - we bought it just before we were married. I really want to get a new one - I have aches and pains many times in the morning and I know it is because the bed is worn out.

Since she doesn't sleep in it (much - she came back for a night 2 nights ago) I was just going to go out and buy a new one without consulting her. It might make her irritated, but then again she doesn't choose to sleep there so I am wondering why she would care.

Anyway, I am trying to figure out what to do. She is in this ' we can't buy anything ' state as part of her short-timers attitude related to being in our house. Therefore, I am thinking what the heck - buy the new bed and enjoy it and don't let her hold your life hostage??

[C-Bart]

Funny how we all weigh each decision so heavily. Not being critical just an observation. I do the exact same thing. That was until two weeks ago when I went out an bought a new motorcycle. Just blew her mind cause it was a major 180. Didn't ask, didn't even mention it to her. Just road home on it one day. Best thing I've done in 16 years!

So if I'm reading you correctly the holding pattern is of her making. Presumably so she can make a S/D financially viable? IMHO buy the bed. Make sure its the best you can afford. Don't compromise on quality if that's what you normally do.

[tryingtilDorR]

Yes - the limbo state we are in is her choice, not mine. I will go for it. I just put a new TV in there and like to stay up watching stuff now that she is not there anymore.

[Kane00]

I sympathize with you on your W being angry once you made the changes. That same thing happened with me. When I asked her about it, she said where were the changes a few years ago and that if I had made those changes then, we would be where we are now. I just don’t understand.

I think that because she is still in the house, she doesn’t want to lose what she has because she knows she has a good thing, but like my wife, likes that attention because she might feel she is not receiving that (of didn’t receive that at one time) from you. For me, after I really figured out my problems and corrected them, I think I tried too hard to show her my changes and that I could give her what she needed (and that pushed her away). So I think I need to just back off and work on myself and see if I can attract her again. You have older children that you don’t have to worry about leaving home, so maybe try taking her to do something you have never done before. She is still there and as much as she is just acting like an acquaintance, I think you can still get her back. It’s just finding what will catch her attention is going to be the challenge.

Good luck and I hope everything works out.

[givingitmyall]

Yes - the limbo state we are in is her choice, not mine.

So, those are the cards you (and many of us here) have been dealt. What you do with them is your choice.

You can choose to wait around for her to do something or go ahead and live your life. If the former, you will not change and will be pretty miserable. If the latter, then get busy GAL'ing, making changes to you for you, and be happy.

As Coach says, you can either survive or thrive.

[tryingtilDorR]

Yes GIMA, after many painful months I finally got it through my thick skull that I can't do anything directly to shake her out of the limbo state. She has to make the choice to do it and trying to convince her is just counterproductive.

Kane - my W said the same thing "why didn't you try to change things a couple of years ago? If you had we wouldn't be in this spot", etc etc. It is script.

One thing I noticed lately is that I don't enjoy being around her much anymore. When she isn't home I feel relief, and when she is home I keep finding things to do away from home. Obviously, if she was 'normal' and not such an ice queen I would definitely enjoy her company but this person is someone I want to avoid on many occasions I am finding. It wasn't like that before, I would desperately miss her when she wasn't around during the first few months of the crisis.

I am leaving town with S12 this weekend for a baseball tournament and looking forward to it.

[Thinker]

Our bed is 20 years old - we bought it just before we were married. I really want to get a new one - I have aches and pains many times in the morning and I know it is because the bed is worn out.

Since she doesn't sleep in it (much - she came back for a night 2 nights ago) I was just going to go out and buy a new one without consulting her. It might make her irritated, but then again she doesn't choose to sleep there so I am wondering why she would care.

Anyway, I am trying to figure out what to do. She is in this ' we can't buy anything ' state as part of her short-timers attitude related to being in our house. Therefore, I am thinking what the heck - buy the new bed and enjoy it and don't let her hold your life hostage??

Just an idea.

If you haven't yet, go buy the bed - a really nice one. Don't ask, and don't say anything or show it to her afterward. Even better, have it delivered and set up someday when she is not there - so it just appears in the bedroom.

Also get some new sheets, throws, the whole works so it really looks great - a showpiece.

Then just wait.

Most likely, it will get her thinking...who is the new bed for?