I have to say I am worried about you. If you need a place to run away to for a bit, my home is open. Find me in the alt universe for details.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thank you so much, Wifey- that is more than generous! I have family in the area, I'll be fine. My cousin is like a brother, he and his wife know what's going on, and he'll help me if I need him.
I was able to bump up my appt with my IC from next week to today. I think I may have scared myself. I'm not sure if I need to take a step back and chill a little, or barrel forward. H isn't like some of the other guys you read about- he doesn't isolate me from family, he has provided well financially for the family, I have access to our funds, he hasn't hurt me physically (he pulled a couple of dumb-ass moves, but nothing intentional), he doesn't drink or do drugs.
See, this is when I wonder if I'm making too much of things and I get confused...
But he still wants to f**k other women and "rebel against societal norms". He's still scoping out other profiles on the swingers' sites. He said he might consider dropping it if we were able to get our marriage on a different track. What's a different track? He might consider it? Who's responsible for the new track- just me or is it a joint effort? Do I have to prove something first? He threatened to cheat, then downplays the threat, saying I made too much of it. He's good at the mindf**k when dealing with me and I can't keep up.
See, this is when I wonder if I'm making too much of things and I get confused... He threatened to cheat, then downplays the threat, saying I made too much of it. He's good at the mindf**k when dealing with me and I can't keep up.
this is not compassion from a man who wants to fix a marriage & work on developing deep emotional & physical intimacy in a mature adult relationship.
you are NOT making too much of it.
Not every abuser will physically beat their wife, kid & dog while slugging back a generic beer he bought on the way home from the 3rd job he was just fired from that week.
Most verbally abusive men appear to be outstanding members of society...great providers, 'get-er-done' kind of guy.
in fact Patrica Evans' (renowned author on this subject) research shows that to the average person on the outside looking INTO the relationship... it may appear that the victim (using the word loosely here) is the abuser & the abuser is the victim. They are soooo good at developing & maintaining that 'illusion'.
As co-dependents we help them do that...at least I did.
How does he act when you stand up for yourself & impose a healthy boundary? "I am not going to swing with you as I feel sexually & emotionally disrespected and think it violates our marriage vows"
Does he pitch a temper tantrum like a 2 year old? Make it "your fault"?
What happens when something HE controls doesn't happen as he had planned? Same thing??
Feel like you're walking on eggshells wondering what the next thing is that will set off the cold shoulder, cutting remarks, or insinuations of your stupidity... ??
I again highly recommend you get & read Stosny's book "Love without Hurt" at least the section aimed at spouses of verbal abusers.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
From what I can see the confusion is more of the same. Nothing has changed, but you start questioning yourself. You think.... maybe he's not so bad.... Believe me, he's so bad! Even taking yourself out of the picture, is his example what you want your kids to think is right? Would you want your son to treat women the way your H has treated you? Or your daughter to accept being treated that way?
OK, he's not so bad. He's not an axe murderer, so far as we know. It's more Gaslighting.
I am very glad I talked to my IC, I’m a lot calmer now. While she can’t be 100% certain, this is the likely scenario: while it may have appeared to me that I wasn’t being taken seriously by the MC, he was quite serious about my feelings. He has to work hard on winning over H’s trust and confidence at this stage since he already knows he more or less has mine (unless he really is a moron, which isn’t likely). Things should feel more even-handed pretty soon; if they don’t, I need to speak up and get their attention.
I also signed a limited consent form to allow my IC to speak to the MC. It’s limited to “diagnostic impressions”- such as, I don’t need meds. And believe me, I will encourage him to call.
We also spoke about whether I need to get out of the house right now. After talking to her, my plan is to wait at least one more MC session (which is a week from today), possibly two sessions, and see how they go. I need to see if H is at all receptive to what he hears at the MC or if he’s going block it out. If he blocks, then I’m out of here. So far, I’m not confident that H was pleased with how the session went. The only thing he has said about it was that I made him look like a major a****le at one point. I’m pretty sure that if he had any positive feelings, he would have said a bit more than that, but maybe he’ll surprise me.
I don’t want to have to leave in the middle of the holidays if I don’t have to- so if I do go, it’ll either be in October or January unless something happens. If I leave now, the marriage is almost guaranteed over- but you know, I may be ok with that. But I can do one more MC session- in the meantime, I will keep on with the organizing, document gathering, look for the books that were suggested, etc. And I see the IC again next week too.
We also had an interesting discussion of H’s sexual issues. She likened it to a drug addiction- he always looking for another fix, eventually building a tolerance to the current fix and needing to progress to another one. Nothing is going change in that regard unless and until he realizes that he has a problem.
Thank you to everyone for the encouragement today- Sharon
Per the MC- my goals if this marriage is to be healthy and happy:
No sex with outsiders (duh!) Adult profiles removed Improved communication thru MC- Learning to listen without interrupting or judging H to get medical treatment for chronic sleep issues H to get to get IC for sex and anger issues and I continue my IC GAL as a couple and individually Anybody have any other suggestions?
These don't sound like goals- they sound like requirements, and I don't think they are really negotiable. I don't think I'm sharing these with H until the MC next week.
