Let me see if I can organize my thoughts and issues at this point.
It's incredibly draining. And while yes, I'm tired I do have the stamina for this because as you say, it's worth it for a longer happier marriage.
My first issue is this: Since the filing, things have been more ambigious. Ok, I would like H to clear it up for me as best he can. If H wants the filing to go through as a divorce, then say so and let's get rolling on it. I'm ready. If H wants to work on things, OK, I'm ready.
I asked him "Why did you file? I thought we were 'dating'?" He said "I don't know." I just stared at him because believe it or not, I believed him, he doesn't know.
Best case scenario, he did it to control me or put me in my place. Days before he filed, he told me he thought I was being smug. WTF? Not smug, confused and ducking for cover because I don't know how to help him so I just got out of the way.
Worst case, he really wants to D.
But his answer clears up nothing, makes it even more confusing actually.
I've done a lot here and I'm ok with that. I'm ok continuing to work but at this point, I want to know are you in this with me, or not? I'm Ok, whatever the answer is. And I would be completely fine with "I'm not sure, I'm still figuring things out" but I don't even have that right now.
Is H really working on this or waiting for something better to come along?
All of these questions are back on the table since the filing and serving. I have no idea. To me it was a great indication he wants a divorce. Ok, then let's go for it.
But then his actions again completely contradict filing. He's still around us at five days at week, including weekends when he doesn't have S. He stays at our place on his off weekends too.
Other than why did you file, I have not asked him any of these things until last night after I heard him lying to his mother. He told me in recent weeks that his parents know everything and that he stays with us, spends most days with us, etc. They do not as made evident by lying last night.
My next issue, I get that this is all complicated and hard for him too. What I don't understand is how lying is going to help. And if he's lying to his mother, what else is he lying about and to whom? Me? Probably.
Today I sent him an email to clarify my position which basically amounted to "I'm ready to go, you want out, then let's end it. If you want to work on things, this is my list of things I want to work on." I was specific, I listed what I want to work on, with examples. I said what I think is going great and want to continue, with compliments because he did deserve them. I listed what I needed to stop now, including threats of D and R talks.
I thought maybe if I cleared up things on my end, it could help him shake out some cob-webs. He hasn't responded but we've talked serveral times today and all is "normal" like last night's talk or my email didn't happen.
So my final issue for now: Yes, there's tabling things to work on creating good in the relationship. But then there's ducking your head in the sand.
I do have patience. I wavering on faith.
But I'll get my shovel and start digging....because you told me to.
