Unfortunately her loss of job scuttles our ability at the present moment to afford an apartment for her to move out to. She appears also unwilling to move out at all. I'd like any advice on this, since I can't physically eject her.
If she continues her R with OM, than this is not your problem. It is a problem SHE has to solve - how SHE is going to afford to live on her own.
Yes, you are obligated to provide spousal support IF your income is larger than hers. For this it is income Potential (based on her historical earnings and training level) that matters, not the fact that she just lost her job.
It is not "punishing" her, as you expressed in an earlier post. It is just enforcing boundaries and consequences. "You can not be with him and be married to me at the same time" - mutual support, shared finances, living together, etc are a part of being "Married", therefore she has to choose. Cake eating (staying married but having contact with OM on the side) is NOT an option.
I don't think you have to physically eject her, but you have to be clear on the consequences, AND you have to be prepared to follow through.
Consequences are those things that are directly linked to her moving out and being independent: Separate bank accounts, separate credit cards, discussing and deciding how you will handle the current house / apartment (If she leaves, and you don't have her income AND you have to provide spousal support at the usual levels, will you have to move from where you are now? ), division of the china, silver, etc etc.
Last edited by Thinker; 09/14/0905:25 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Unfortunately that won't happen. I can't and won't file for divorce; its goes against my morality, religion, and desire.
I'm wondering if anyone else faced the situation where you can't physically separate and still found an effective way to force the decision on the WAS?
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Yesterday was fine. W was irritated early on, interestingly following an off site call with the OM. I was in a down mood, which seems to occur when I concern myself with what W is doing with OM. When I force myself to ignore anything other than boundary violations, I feel much better. Just an occasional backslide, which I usually catch and correct.
As the day went on, I felt much better and interactions with W were pleasant. She even subtly invited me to watch TV in bed, which I did after finishing watching football.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I was in a down mood, which seems to occur when I concern myself with what W is doing with OM. When I force myself to ignore anything other than boundary violations, I feel much better.
Say that out loud. Then pretend that your best friend told you that, how would you respond?
Do your really have a boundary if there are no consequences?
Will your wife ever respect you while you let her walk all over you?
You wife cares more about OM's feelings than yours. She places him above you. She knows you are afraid to do anything. Do you really feel better, what's that knot in your gut all about?
I understand your reluctance about divorce. No one here is advocating you divorce your wife. We are advising you to take a strong stand that involves all the facets of dealing with your wifes behavior. One of those facets is the legal side. Go talk to a priest about your moral and theological issues.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I was in a down mood, which seems to occur when I concern myself with what W is doing with OM. When I force myself to ignore anything other than boundary violations, I feel much better.
Say that out loud. Then pretend that your best friend told you that, how would you respond?
Do your really have a boundary if there are no consequences?
Will your wife ever respect you while you let her walk all over you?
You wife cares more about OM's feelings than yours. She places him above you. She knows you are afraid to do anything. Do you really feel better, what's that knot in your gut all about?
I understand your reluctance about divorce. No one here is advocating you divorce your wife. We are advising you to take a strong stand that involves all the facets of dealing with your wifes behavior. One of those facets is the legal side. Go talk to a priest about your moral and theological issues.
Getting locked out of the house all night on the day she lost her job was a pretty big consequence, don't you think? That was very hard for me to do, especially to a person suffering from depression who was drunk.
I'm trying to toe the delicate line here, with the understanding that my W's mental state is rough and I'm dealing with someone who is not who I married. I don't see anger with me unless I push her buttons for my own satisfaction; mostly I see a woman wracked by guilt.
I can't force her out of the house if she won't leave. I am going to talk to a priest about my position, just to get an opinion from the church's side.
Meanwhile, as long as there is no R or OM talk between us, life is generally fine in the house.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I don't see anger with me unless I push her buttons for my own satisfaction
What do you mean about pushing buttons?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't see anger with me unless I push her buttons for my own satisfaction
What do you mean about pushing buttons?
When I am irritated I may say something intending to hurt her, like a snide remark about the OM implying she must be an idiot not to see what I see. Or complaints about say, lack of affection. Along those lines.
Granted, when I say "things are fine" around the house it means we interact in a friendly way and not at all like a couple dealing with issues. The kids have no clue about our issues. It is mentally "tolerable" but obviously not a state I want to continue in. We are going to try MC (for a couple of sessions to get an opinion since I believe it is fruitless to attempt it while an EA is going on. I just want a third party to tell HER that. If she agrees to drop the EA, I'll agree to more MC, but I'm not going to pour money down a hole)
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
When I am irritated I may say something intending to hurt her, like a snide remark about the OM implying she must be an idiot not to see what I see. Or complaints about say, lack of affection. Along those lines.
That is a relationship killer. Some insecurity you have is causing you to lash out at her. That is the work you do on and for yourself. Google - "Compassionpower" It's not wrong to have wants, needs or things that irritate you. How you handle it matters.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
