Just hang in there. It sucks it's draining and it drives you crazy if you allow it to.
I see you are out there living life, being up beat, enjoying your son and still having lots of fun. You have been wonderful when it comes to all that.
He is working his way through this, be patient and have faith. A few months more of this perhaps for...I don't know 40 more years of being happily married?
There was no drama last night. It was actually a very calm conversation and considering the WWIII level blow outs we had, it was quite the 180 for both of us.
And he hasn't seen the other shoe drop because when he said that, he meant he's waiting for WWIII.
Ok so no WW3 but Stonger you are trying to steer the ship.
Someone told me a few weeks ago that I was in a rut. Trying to push a very heavy cart that was not moving. Did I know why it wasn't moving? Because it wasn't mine to push.
Don't push the cart or steer the ship. It is his to take care of in all aspects.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Let me see if I can organize my thoughts and issues at this point.
It's incredibly draining. And while yes, I'm tired I do have the stamina for this because as you say, it's worth it for a longer happier marriage.
My first issue is this: Since the filing, things have been more ambigious. Ok, I would like H to clear it up for me as best he can. If H wants the filing to go through as a divorce, then say so and let's get rolling on it. I'm ready. If H wants to work on things, OK, I'm ready.
I asked him "Why did you file? I thought we were 'dating'?" He said "I don't know." I just stared at him because believe it or not, I believed him, he doesn't know.
Best case scenario, he did it to control me or put me in my place. Days before he filed, he told me he thought I was being smug. WTF? Not smug, confused and ducking for cover because I don't know how to help him so I just got out of the way.
Worst case, he really wants to D.
But his answer clears up nothing, makes it even more confusing actually.
I've done a lot here and I'm ok with that. I'm ok continuing to work but at this point, I want to know are you in this with me, or not? I'm Ok, whatever the answer is. And I would be completely fine with "I'm not sure, I'm still figuring things out" but I don't even have that right now.
Is H really working on this or waiting for something better to come along?
All of these questions are back on the table since the filing and serving. I have no idea. To me it was a great indication he wants a divorce. Ok, then let's go for it.
But then his actions again completely contradict filing. He's still around us at five days at week, including weekends when he doesn't have S. He stays at our place on his off weekends too.
Other than why did you file, I have not asked him any of these things until last night after I heard him lying to his mother. He told me in recent weeks that his parents know everything and that he stays with us, spends most days with us, etc. They do not as made evident by lying last night.
My next issue, I get that this is all complicated and hard for him too. What I don't understand is how lying is going to help. And if he's lying to his mother, what else is he lying about and to whom? Me? Probably.
Today I sent him an email to clarify my position which basically amounted to "I'm ready to go, you want out, then let's end it. If you want to work on things, this is my list of things I want to work on." I was specific, I listed what I want to work on, with examples. I said what I think is going great and want to continue, with compliments because he did deserve them. I listed what I needed to stop now, including threats of D and R talks.
I thought maybe if I cleared up things on my end, it could help him shake out some cob-webs. He hasn't responded but we've talked serveral times today and all is "normal" like last night's talk or my email didn't happen.
So my final issue for now: Yes, there's tabling things to work on creating good in the relationship. But then there's ducking your head in the sand.
I do have patience. I wavering on faith.
But I'll get my shovel and start digging....because you told me to.
For some reason, this continues to be on YOUR timeline.
None of us here want to be like this with you, Yet, for some reason, you continually say that you are comfortable with just staying calm and being quiet with things, and then the very next day, there is some arguement or R talk that leads to you feeling dissapointed.
You CAN feel all of those things, and the direction this WAS heading was in a positive one.
If YOU keep ringing that bell and telling him to do this, you are pushing him away.
He did give you a timeframe, he has asked you for time, and yet, that answer HAS to be on your time.
From what I am seeing...YOU are pushing this D forward for him...
YOU are backing him into these corners with no way out....
YOU are telling him what to tell his parents....
YOU are leading HIS cart....
It is okay to be still and let things happen around you....
That HAS to happen now....be still, be quiet, be patient, and let the natural flow of the universe lead this.
Enjoy those nights when he WANTS to be with you....
Just don't turn it into something it is not yet....
We are ALL here for you, but we cannot do that work for you...
Just because YOU understand things, doesn't mean HE does.....
Just like you, he has to learn those things for himself....
If he 100% wanted out he would 100% be out. Standard WAH. Only an evil bastradt does this confusion BS intentionally. Ergo if your husband isn't an evil bastardt then...MLC.
Lying...yes....why would they lie? Lying is bad...it causes more problems then it is worth...and yet they do it...all the time.
Look if you're going to get hung up on the lies, then you're going to hang yourself. Realize he will lie. Not too many peopl eout there are willing to tell the truth if it makes them look badly. Lying is a childs game, and your husband if he is in MLC has the ability of a 4 year when it comes to planning for the future.
He will lie to protect whatever remians of of people opinions of him.
Does he lie to you? Are you breathing air?
You want to make him feel worse...scold him for it. Not generally a good idea.
Quote:
I thought maybe if I cleared up things on my end, it could help him shake out some cob-webs.
Fine, it is done and over no reason to lay this all out again, he got the message now leave it alone.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I completely and utterly disagree with you. And maybe I didn't explain this very well. Looking back, I don't think I did.
I WAS in a position to give him all the time he needed. I was (still would be) fine doing stuff for me, with friends, exercising, lots of things with him (as we were dating, again his words) and S, working etc.
THEN HE FILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He filed back in July, when things "could be on the mend", according to him, on the mend, his words. It turns out the week he told me he wanted to work on things, the week previous to that he filed, but made NO mention of filing.
I guess I wasn't clear here....I have to answer the filing. I have no choice UNLESS he removes the filing. Which he has also mentioned doing.
He removes the filing, we can go back to his time frame, not Stronger's. But because HE FILED, Iliterally have a time line put upon me (legally) to figure things out. I do not have the luxury to just let it all go and not answer.
Does that clear it up for you that I now have to ask him these questions or not, but then answer the divorce filing completely on my own? And keep in mind, I'm dealing with a guy who's answer to why did you file is I don't know. In that same conversation I said "I thought we were dating....???" He said "We are." But he filed.
