New friends? Heck, it was hard enough to get the one's I have now. Part of my C is dropping the mask. I keep telling her I'm afraid to do that because I don't like what's behind it. She says that why I'm feeling so alone is because I won't let anyone close enough to see who I really am.
That's the rub.....
Karen, you say you let your friends and family see all of it. I used to let those close to me see the whole range of emotions. Now that I'm concentrating on why I don't do that I just recognized something. I stopped expressing every bad feeling I have when Gabe left. I have associated him leaving with my own showing vulnerability to him. Showing pain, anger, frustration, depression and stress to someone else requires vulnerability and I now can not show that to anyone. My scary little voice in my head tells me that if I do they will leave....just like Gabe did.
Now, the rational side of me tells me that Gabe left for his own selfish reasons. Went looking for OW because of his selfish desires and inability to show feeling to me. Yes, I partially pushed him away....after years of him ignoring me and making me feel like less and less of a woman.
How does someone like me get back any portion of self-respect? I don't know, but I'm working on it.
With help from my C and all of you here, maybe I'll be able to someday.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
