Don't beat yourself up over it. When you start inspecting every little thing you do, you stop being natural, and become this fake person that lives through carefulness.
You SHOULD consider your actions carefully, but not analysis paralysis.
As far as what Coach says, I'll give you a couple of examples: when I stood up to W, demanded respect, and then acted in a way that deserved respect, she noticed. I was firm, but in control, and although nervous, I stuck with it. I think most LBS get screwed because they are terrified to say "boo" to the WAS.
#1 - W came to me all wheedly and sweet, wanting some of my time with the kids, and I simply said, "No, you have already taken 50% of my time with the kids, and I will give up no more." She blew up and yelled and ranted, and threatened divorce and 'taking everything I have'. I replied, "I understand you're upset, but the conversation is over." I then hung up. She called me back an hour later crying, and said, "I'm so busy with work and school, I just don't have time to see them." I replied, "I understand it must be tough, but these were your choices, and you will need to prioritize what is most important in your life."
That was the first day I ever stood up to her, and I was literally shaking. But from then on, I have been back in control of myself.
#2 - Even though she is in an A, and neglects time with the kids to be with OM, I still send her pictures of the kids when we do fun stuff, relate stories, etc. She has missed their first camping trip, their first boat rides, their first amusement park, the list is miles long. She started saying negative things about me to the kids, and I called her on it. I said, "You will respect me as your husband as long as I am, and forever as our children's father. I can not control what you say, but I will tell you this: if you EVER speak badly about me to me or the kids again, I will cut you off of every experience that you are missing." She hasn't said a peep since.
By not responding to her outbursts in the beginning, but showing calm quiet leadership, and establishing reasonable boundaries, it has completely reversed the dynamics. She is a WAW - blames everything wrong in her life on me, including her childhood. Reason need not apply here. However, at the time of that first time sharing incident, everything has switched. My kids hate the divorce, hate her affair - and she knows it. I don't have to say a peep, just continue to do the right thing, treat her with some level of decorum, and live my life. The rest just happens naturally.
Anyway, I guess I took your incident and ran with it, but hopefully the perspective of someone who's been at this for 3 years will help! I won't get into the long story - but me standing up turned my W into a woman who started complimenting me, and telling me that she saw who I really was, etc.
Very insightful post, JonF...good stuff! Thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
