Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Later in the day on Saturday she texted again saying she needed to know if they were staying or not. I text back that I thought we had already covered it. She kept asking me but then saying she really didn't care one way or the other.
She wanted you to make a decision. She tested you.
How do you try to control people?
Coach, can you clarify on both of these points. I don't quite follow. I think I did good. on the test. I was calm, collected and handled it like I would have if it was my best friend. I didn't let myself get drawn in to any weirdness.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
TEST - Is he decisive, confident, in control of his emotions, will he give a direct answer (not pass-agg), does he have a opinion, and will he lead?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Agree with Coach...next time...just make the decision. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
TEST - Is he decisive, confident, in control of his emotions, will he give a direct answer (not pass-agg), does he have a opinion, and will he lead?
If that is the case then I failed.
I have been on the path of staying out of anything or any decisions that she makes like this because she needs to be responsible for her path. I have received a lot of guidance in this direction. Am I off track?
As for the her intent, I've tried to stay away from mind reading. She clearly showed signs of mixed emotions and indecisiveness. Maybe OM invited her to do something and she jumped on the chance to send kids away then felt guilty. Maybe she broke it off with him or vice versa and she needed to be with other friends to get through it. Maybe her financial situation or her ability to feel in control of her life or her house was getting the better of her. No way for me to know.
The way she went back and forth made it seem like there was pressure on her from somewhere. She was crying at one point. It tears me up inside when I see her hurting.
Last edited by RedSoxFan; 09/15/0902:29 PM.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
..and there is no reason for you to know. The way back to you is?
To be MORE attractive than the other guy...the OM. That does NOT mean wearing Armani Exchange clothing and getting an earring. It's the stuff Coach is referring to: -responding to tests....DECISIVENESS -responding to tests....LISTENING: a question is a statement and a statement is a question -resonding to tests....stay strong calm and collected when she is not.
A long time ago, in my early DB days, my coach said one thing which applies to ALL OF US no matter WHAT stage we are in: "continue to be the strong loving stable father and husband that you are and always were."
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
..and there is no reason for you to know. The way back to you is?
To be MORE attractive than the other guy...the OM. That does NOT mean wearing Armani Exchange clothing and getting an earring. It's the stuff Coach is referring to: -responding to tests....DECISIVENESS -responding to tests....LISTENING: a question is a statement and a statement is a question -resonding to tests....stay strong calm and collected when she is not.
A long time ago, in my early DB days, my coach said one thing which applies to ALL OF US no matter WHAT stage we are in: "continue to be the strong loving stable father and husband that you are and always were."
Got all of that covered...or at least internalized and working hard at it. It's the recos on all of the tactics that make it hard. I'm getting there though.
I'm curious to know what some of the ladies think? Stronger, A&K was I being tested? Did I blow it?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
It's not a conscious decision for a woman to test her man. It's not a game. It's part of what a woman wants in a man. It shouldn't be a game to you either. Take care of business.
She said she didn't care (do you really believe that?)
You emotions have got you in a place that is very unattractive. Think then act. Don't feel then defer.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Don't beat yourself up over it. When you start inspecting every little thing you do, you stop being natural, and become this fake person that lives through carefulness.
You SHOULD consider your actions carefully, but not analysis paralysis.
As far as what Coach says, I'll give you a couple of examples: when I stood up to W, demanded respect, and then acted in a way that deserved respect, she noticed. I was firm, but in control, and although nervous, I stuck with it. I think most LBS get screwed because they are terrified to say "boo" to the WAS.
#1 - W came to me all wheedly and sweet, wanting some of my time with the kids, and I simply said, "No, you have already taken 50% of my time with the kids, and I will give up no more." She blew up and yelled and ranted, and threatened divorce and 'taking everything I have'. I replied, "I understand you're upset, but the conversation is over." I then hung up. She called me back an hour later crying, and said, "I'm so busy with work and school, I just don't have time to see them." I replied, "I understand it must be tough, but these were your choices, and you will need to prioritize what is most important in your life."
That was the first day I ever stood up to her, and I was literally shaking. But from then on, I have been back in control of myself.
#2 - Even though she is in an A, and neglects time with the kids to be with OM, I still send her pictures of the kids when we do fun stuff, relate stories, etc. She has missed their first camping trip, their first boat rides, their first amusement park, the list is miles long. She started saying negative things about me to the kids, and I called her on it. I said, "You will respect me as your husband as long as I am, and forever as our children's father. I can not control what you say, but I will tell you this: if you EVER speak badly about me to me or the kids again, I will cut you off of every experience that you are missing." She hasn't said a peep since.
By not responding to her outbursts in the beginning, but showing calm quiet leadership, and establishing reasonable boundaries, it has completely reversed the dynamics. She is a WAW - blames everything wrong in her life on me, including her childhood. Reason need not apply here. However, at the time of that first time sharing incident, everything has switched. My kids hate the divorce, hate her affair - and she knows it. I don't have to say a peep, just continue to do the right thing, treat her with some level of decorum, and live my life. The rest just happens naturally.
Anyway, I guess I took your incident and ran with it, but hopefully the perspective of someone who's been at this for 3 years will help! I won't get into the long story - but me standing up turned my W into a woman who started complimenting me, and telling me that she saw who I really was, etc.
Don't beat yourself up over it. When you start inspecting every little thing you do, you stop being natural, and become this fake person that lives through carefulness.
You SHOULD consider your actions carefully, but not analysis paralysis.
As far as what Coach says, I'll give you a couple of examples: when I stood up to W, demanded respect, and then acted in a way that deserved respect, she noticed. I was firm, but in control, and although nervous, I stuck with it. I think most LBS get screwed because they are terrified to say "boo" to the WAS.
#1 - W came to me all wheedly and sweet, wanting some of my time with the kids, and I simply said, "No, you have already taken 50% of my time with the kids, and I will give up no more." She blew up and yelled and ranted, and threatened divorce and 'taking everything I have'. I replied, "I understand you're upset, but the conversation is over." I then hung up. She called me back an hour later crying, and said, "I'm so busy with work and school, I just don't have time to see them." I replied, "I understand it must be tough, but these were your choices, and you will need to prioritize what is most important in your life."
That was the first day I ever stood up to her, and I was literally shaking. But from then on, I have been back in control of myself.
#2 - Even though she is in an A, and neglects time with the kids to be with OM, I still send her pictures of the kids when we do fun stuff, relate stories, etc. She has missed their first camping trip, their first boat rides, their first amusement park, the list is miles long. She started saying negative things about me to the kids, and I called her on it. I said, "You will respect me as your husband as long as I am, and forever as our children's father. I can not control what you say, but I will tell you this: if you EVER speak badly about me to me or the kids again, I will cut you off of every experience that you are missing." She hasn't said a peep since.
By not responding to her outbursts in the beginning, but showing calm quiet leadership, and establishing reasonable boundaries, it has completely reversed the dynamics. She is a WAW - blames everything wrong in her life on me, including her childhood. Reason need not apply here. However, at the time of that first time sharing incident, everything has switched. My kids hate the divorce, hate her affair - and she knows it. I don't have to say a peep, just continue to do the right thing, treat her with some level of decorum, and live my life. The rest just happens naturally.
Anyway, I guess I took your incident and ran with it, but hopefully the perspective of someone who's been at this for 3 years will help! I won't get into the long story - but me standing up turned my W into a woman who started complimenting me, and telling me that she saw who I really was, etc.
Very insightful post, JonF...good stuff! Thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
