C - I think you did great on Sunday except for asking her out on a date. It's too soon. Especially since she hasn't pursued you at all. I know it's hard to not want to try, but the ball is in her court.
Stay strong and remember you deserve better... hopefully it will come from her or she will regret it soon...
C - I think you did great on Sunday except for asking her out on a date. It's too soon. Especially since she hasn't pursued you at all. I know it's hard to not want to try, but the ball is in her court.
Stay strong and remember you deserve better... hopefully it will come from her or she will regret it soon...
oh and I would just add to what pma said that the cake icing thingy at the party (as petty as it might seem on the surface) was something that should have been internalized only to you ...not shared with her. Those kinds of "longings for the past" are ludicrous (at present anyway), as the past was altered in a horrific way by the events that transpired between the two of you and the choices that she has made.
In my heart I know that you are trying to wipe out a large portion of the distance between you and your W (among other things). You just need to continue to work on analyzing each interaction with her to determine if it will truly widen or narrow the gap between the two of you.
Just keep being a terrific dad and a lovingly detached H as you can. You are a natural at the first one or perhaps a fair amount of how great of a dad that you are has come from practice more than likely. Do the same for your relationship as you lovingly detach from W. Continually practice it.
I'm a little confused myself. Is your W still in an A?
the guy from last year ended it at the end of July. She had been active on match dot com. not sure of whats going on now......
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
She sent me a couple of misc emails/text during the day. I didn't respond to any because they didn't seem to merit a response.
This is terrific buddy. You deserve high praise as you seem to be learning a bit when something needs to be said and when something does not.
Originally Posted By: cipa
I had my therapy call last nite that seemed pretty good. My therapist said I sounded much better over the last couple of weeks and we talked about what happened over the past week. She covered both sides of the discussion on this thread (Stuck & PMA and the other end of Stronger & Tomato)
I got a particular chuckle out of this as visions of of dueling figurines on your shoulder were duking it out. Go Stronger and Tomato. May we rule your conscince. Ha ha
Originally Posted By: cipa
I did tell my therapist what I want is to have a renewed marriage with my wife, but I just don't see how to get there as I can't imagine how I will ever trust her again. She said we will cross that bridge when we get there.....
I surely like the response that your counselor gave you . It was a wise one imo.
If she proceeds with a divorce "disrespectfully", I will not be friends with her.
While you were married she didn't respect you. Quit chasing her. Create some space for yourself.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Not matter what happens he and W have to get along to a certain degree for the benefit of two gorgeous little boys. Sunday was a good start to that minimum.
To me, Sunday was his opportunity to open the door to let her know, if she wants to talk, he's going to listen. That is the right and decent thing to do.
Again, the question is not "How can I punish her?" The question is "Is this worth saving? Can she show remorse?"
And another thing to remember, just because it's not the level of remorse everyone here would like to see, that doesn't mean she's not feeling it.
What's more, before Sunday every contact between them besides the confrontation has been tactical. Since the talk on Friday, she has tried to "play" with him. Sending him silly pictures and silly text messages too.
He did not pursue her. He asked the mother of his children to dinner after a nice birthday party.
And let's remember two other people involved here....the boys. I would bet my next paycheck they were THRILLED to see mommy and daddy together and doing stuff as a family.
I also think it would go a long way toward her being able to feel sorry and be sorry if she were reminded of how good it once was and how much better it could once be.
There is no one size fits all solution to every situation here. It's all different and very delicate.
I am in the Strong camp. You opened the door. It had to start somewhere, but where it will lead no one knows. You do have to co-parent, but it does not in any way mean you ever have to accept her doing what she did without any remorse on her part.
Be patient with yourself most of all.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Stronger, CIPA's wife has known since day one he has been here how bad he wants this to work out. It hasn't worked. No one is saying to punish her. It is called "lovingly detach." CIPA IMO has yet to detach. I think the space could do him a lot of good.
I also don't know how good it is for the boys to see Mom and Dad doing things together as a family when reconciliation is not apparent. Confuses the kids. Then creates anxiety when the seperation occurs after the meeting. Of course the kids want to stay together as a family. We all want that for each other here.
CIPA doesn't control how his wife might feel - "show remorse," "feel sorry," or "how much better it could be." If his wife is serious and willing to do the work on herself then great. But rushing back in at this point when problems aren't resolved doesn't seem productive to having a healthy/loving marriage.
CIPA, I want nothing more for you to be a family again if that's what you want. I also know that you don't control all of that. Your wife has to be willing to be "all in." You need this time to detach for yourself. Process your feelings, find yourself, love your kids, grow, get your swagger back, realise you don't need your wife and give your wife the time to do the same. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You do have to co-parent, but it does not in any way mean you ever have to accept her doing what she did without any remorse on her part. Be patient with yourself most of all.
Exactly. Am I missing something? When did he ever "close" the door. The door has been open all along. She was the one that lied and cheated. She's lucky he didn't pile her stuff on the curb. All he did was stand up for himself and set some much needed boundaries from her. Heaven for bid that he actually demands respect to the mother of his children that was screwing other guys and lying to his face about it.
That same mindset is going to pass Obama's healthcare plan. Lying is lying. PERIOD!!! NO EXCUSES!!!
