wife left, wants divorce, possibly bipolar

[tristan]

From what I understand, anger would still be part of the manic phase. However, depression often follows mania; so I would be ready for a crash. I would guess that she would be more likely to go to a therapist then. You may just want to wait this one out a little longer.

[ryepatch]

that's what i'm doing. . . it's hell though, and i'm afraid she'll be too embarrassed to call me.

makes me want to write to her and tell her i'm willing to forgiv her, despite everything.

[tristan]

I know how you feel. But from what you told me, I don't think it is the time for that. If she is angry, she is not looking to be forgiven. It sounds like she is still manic. Until she is out of that phase, I think you would be best to sit on your hands as hard as it may sound. I am by no means an expert; my W walked out on me too. I am just letting you know my opinion. I also think your #1 priority should be to get her to a therapist. It will be nearly impossible to reconcile unless she is stable.

[ryepatch]

so there was another knock on the door tonight, i imagine from a
process server. i hid in the bathroom til he went away. i told my wife i'd sign the papers if she would sit down with me and tell me why she wants a divorce and talk about using mediation to come up with a settlement. i just don't understand, i'm willing to sign away my right to spousal support (would ask for $600 a month until i finish my degree, two more years), and we could avoid hiring lawyers ($2000-$3000 just for retainers). i could also get her to pay for my lawyer since i have no income.

so this divorce could cost her $20,000, or we could sit down for a few minutes and come up with a settlement. it's worth $20,000 to her so she doesn't have to talk to me?

how does that make sense? she wasn't even angry when she left, said she didn't blame me. . . said she still loved me.

why can't she talk to me? or even email? or at least read my emails?

she's going to work, so she can't be totally manic. . . maybe hypomanic still. . . it doesn't make any sense.

she told me before she left that if she ever left me, she'd come back, i shouldn't worry. now all she says to anybody is she's done with the marriage.

how do i DB this crap?

[BrokenTrust]

Ryepatch,

The undiagnosed Manic Depressive will often 'self medicate' with alcohol and 'soft drugs'.

The phases will usually go as follows-

Mania- the life of the party, always adventurous and loving, mischevious and impulsive.

Hyper-Mania- on the go constantly, spends money without thinking, often making huge purchases when there is no money to do so, suddenly wants to 're-do' everything around them,(This might mean painting the house inside and out, dyeing the carpet by hand, baking cookies at midnight, changing hair color), risque life changes (cheating), dressing in more sexual manner. There is no 'tomorrow', everything is in the moment and no matter how bad a thing can be, they cannot feel sad.

Rage- they are more than just mad... the are pi**ed at everything and anything. Their home sucks, their car sucks, food sucks, they hate you, they blame everything under the sun for any slight. They walk away from commitments and highly resent anyone who tries to help as 'manipulators who are trying to control them'. They could win the lottery and rip up the ticket because they do not want the hassle.

Depression- life is not worth living... it is usually around this time that they know that there is something wrong and they want it to stop, they feel unbelievable guilt and if you told them that you like a red sky and the sky is blue because of them they would take the blame and cry. They want help, but believe that there is nothing anyone can do and they just do not have the energy to even try.


These cycles can be slow (slow cyclers can take a year to go through all the stages) or very fast (fast cyclers can go through all the phases in a day or sometimes even many times in a single day)

If she is feeling the rage, and by the timing of your posts I would say that the crash is coming up soon to depression, and when she crashes it will be hard and fast. (Stress often makes the phases faster and harder in impact emotionally)

Going pitch black is your best bet until she hits depression... it is hard to say and sounds cruel, but you have to pick the timing for when to make contact again. When she hits depression you will have to go very carefully... it will be hard but you will have to keep blame out of the picture and instead tell her that you are scared for her and that if she will get help you will stand by her.

It may take a few cycles of her seeing that you mean what you say for her to believe that you will actually be there, so be ready for the long haul. If you have contact, try to keep her away from alcohol and drugs and instead suggest 'healthy' alternatives such as herbals suppliments and excercise. (they will not help much, but endorphones released in excercise will help a little with light depression and herbal suppliments will make her feel like she is 'doing' something, and mind over matter can help)

As for the cats... it is not that she does not want them because they remind her of you... right now she can't handle herself and to tell the truth the cats would not be safe with her. She would forget to feed them, the litter box would go for days or weeks without being cleaned and in a rage she could hurt them. At the same time, if you get rid of them she will (in another phase) say that you are heartless, and if you make her do it she will feel that you forced her to get rid of them. No matter what you do you will not win.

Keep the cats as long as you can, but if they are too much for you to take care of as you try to deal with your own life (and no one would blame you) then I would suggest to check with friends and relatives to see if they would be willing to take in one or more of them. If no one you know will take them in then place an ad for them to go for $15 each to a good home. (Never give away an animal to a stranger for free, there are still people out there that collect free pets to sell to labs for testing) The uncertiantity of their fate of you release them to a shelter (unless it is a no-kill shelter) will only drag you down... it is obvious from your posts that you are a caring person and you do not want to do anything that will haunt you.

For now I would say stay pitch black, but if you hear that the rages have shifted and she seems to be down it may be time for you to contact her. Manic Depressives do not follow the same rules as the usual seperation because their moods are not influenced by outside factors and situations but instead by a chemical imbalance that they have no control over.

Stay strong.

I am trying to find the name of a book I read a long time ago by Sally Feild about her own struggles with manic depression... it is one thing to read the technical postings and books explaining what it is... but another to read from the viewpoint of the Bi-Polar person as they give a deep insight into living through the stages and phases. If I can find that book name I will pass it on to you, at the same time I would suggest trying to find a support group for spouses of Bi-Polar disorder, because if you want any chance to save your marriage you need to know how to live with and deal with Manic Depression.

[BrokenTrust]

(sorry for any typos, I have MS and can't feel the fingers on the keyboard so they often take creative license in what they hit)

[tristan]

Thank you BT. That was very insightful for me as well. It sounds like you are very familiar with bipolar.

[ryepatch]

BT,

thanks for the long post. i've been going to DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) support groups (Tristan, you might want to check them out too, I can find the link if you need it). Everyone says to just hang in there and try to avoid and slow down the divorce.

The cats I'm not too sure about, she does say she can't deal with them because of associations. She didn't even want either of our vehicles because of associations. She wants a fresh new life. I just don't feel like I should be left with all the emotional baggage myself, either, I need to emotionally detach. And I feel like she should have to be the one who makes the decision to give them up. I have trouble believing she would hurt them. And I keep on thinking it'll make her think of all the good times if she had to see them again and make that decision.

Any more perspectives on this would be greatly appreciated.

I'm going to keep on hanging in there. . . it's hard when I feel like I have to hide when someone knocks on the door. This is just such a crazy situation I'm in.

It really bothers me, too, that (except for one) none of our friends in town are talking to me, and none of her family. I wish I knew what she was saying about me.

I want tot give her the benefit of the doubt, but the fact that she can't even speak to me or read my emails and changed her phone number even though i haven't been calling her, it just doesn't make sense. It's like she's obsessed with cutting me out completely, and I don't know why. I figure it has to be something mentally wrong with her. Every other post I read, there's some contact leading up to a divorce.

[ryepatch]

false alarm, i think, wasn't a process server. just found out my landlord stopped by last night to ask about the rent. so the knock on the door was probably her. not 100% though, could've missed one or the other of them while i was on a walk.



so, still hanging in there, hoping my W is at least stalling on the divorce.

[BrokenTrust]

Ryepatch... just remember that Manic Depression is a chemical imbalance, not just a 'mental illness' and look at her actions and you will see that they fit into phases oc the cycle for her.

Paranoia can be a manifestation of hyper-mania heading to rage... her mind is zipping a mile a minute "does he know my number??? I changed it bit someone will tell him... I had better change it again.... I had better change companies completely... if I answer his e-mails then he might find me... I can't think about this now.... I will think about it later...."

Unfortunately, you have no clue what your friends are being told, in hypermania and mania the person often tells people what they suspect as fact, elaboraing it and filling in details until they become actual memories that they cannot tell from reality. You really have two choices... try to contact a few select old friends that you were close to and ask if they want to go out and do something (you need to stop hiding and start living) or create new friends with people you know but never palled around with.

My suggestion would be for you to call your local legal aide office and see if someone can give you some suggestions for self-protection in this process as well as things you should do about the divorce papers that have not been served. You really have no proof that she filed so now would be the time to get some legal advice, it may just be an empty threat on her part to keep distance.