Ok do I actually love my H? That’s the question I’ve been pondering on and off since my H left. Or do I simply love having a complete family and my H is part of that? The dream that we will grow old together surrounded by grandkids?
This may sound stupid, but I do love my H when I’m thinking about him and I’ve not seen him. However a couple of hours in his company changes all that and I can see that he’s behaving sneaky, can’t look me in the eye, is disinteresting and disrespectful qualities that I can live without. So am I in love with the idea of him rather than the actual him? Maybe I’m in love with the man I met 25 years ago, the confident young man not the arrogant middle aged version?
In the meantime I’m continuing with the NC.
Perhaps what I need is a date – how do you get one of those I wonder? Everyone I know is too young or too married or too gay.
