wife left, wants divorce, possibly bipolar

[BrokenTrust]

Ryepatch,

The undiagnosed Manic Depressive will often 'self medicate' with alcohol and 'soft drugs'.

The phases will usually go as follows-

Mania- the life of the party, always adventurous and loving, mischevious and impulsive.

Hyper-Mania- on the go constantly, spends money without thinking, often making huge purchases when there is no money to do so, suddenly wants to 're-do' everything around them,(This might mean painting the house inside and out, dyeing the carpet by hand, baking cookies at midnight, changing hair color), risque life changes (cheating), dressing in more sexual manner. There is no 'tomorrow', everything is in the moment and no matter how bad a thing can be, they cannot feel sad.

Rage- they are more than just mad... the are pi**ed at everything and anything. Their home sucks, their car sucks, food sucks, they hate you, they blame everything under the sun for any slight. They walk away from commitments and highly resent anyone who tries to help as 'manipulators who are trying to control them'. They could win the lottery and rip up the ticket because they do not want the hassle.

Depression- life is not worth living... it is usually around this time that they know that there is something wrong and they want it to stop, they feel unbelievable guilt and if you told them that you like a red sky and the sky is blue because of them they would take the blame and cry. They want help, but believe that there is nothing anyone can do and they just do not have the energy to even try.


These cycles can be slow (slow cyclers can take a year to go through all the stages) or very fast (fast cyclers can go through all the phases in a day or sometimes even many times in a single day)

If she is feeling the rage, and by the timing of your posts I would say that the crash is coming up soon to depression, and when she crashes it will be hard and fast. (Stress often makes the phases faster and harder in impact emotionally)

Going pitch black is your best bet until she hits depression... it is hard to say and sounds cruel, but you have to pick the timing for when to make contact again. When she hits depression you will have to go very carefully... it will be hard but you will have to keep blame out of the picture and instead tell her that you are scared for her and that if she will get help you will stand by her.

It may take a few cycles of her seeing that you mean what you say for her to believe that you will actually be there, so be ready for the long haul. If you have contact, try to keep her away from alcohol and drugs and instead suggest 'healthy' alternatives such as herbals suppliments and excercise. (they will not help much, but endorphones released in excercise will help a little with light depression and herbal suppliments will make her feel like she is 'doing' something, and mind over matter can help)

As for the cats... it is not that she does not want them because they remind her of you... right now she can't handle herself and to tell the truth the cats would not be safe with her. She would forget to feed them, the litter box would go for days or weeks without being cleaned and in a rage she could hurt them. At the same time, if you get rid of them she will (in another phase) say that you are heartless, and if you make her do it she will feel that you forced her to get rid of them. No matter what you do you will not win.

Keep the cats as long as you can, but if they are too much for you to take care of as you try to deal with your own life (and no one would blame you) then I would suggest to check with friends and relatives to see if they would be willing to take in one or more of them. If no one you know will take them in then place an ad for them to go for $15 each to a good home. (Never give away an animal to a stranger for free, there are still people out there that collect free pets to sell to labs for testing) The uncertiantity of their fate of you release them to a shelter (unless it is a no-kill shelter) will only drag you down... it is obvious from your posts that you are a caring person and you do not want to do anything that will haunt you.

For now I would say stay pitch black, but if you hear that the rages have shifted and she seems to be down it may be time for you to contact her. Manic Depressives do not follow the same rules as the usual seperation because their moods are not influenced by outside factors and situations but instead by a chemical imbalance that they have no control over.

Stay strong.

I am trying to find the name of a book I read a long time ago by Sally Feild about her own struggles with manic depression... it is one thing to read the technical postings and books explaining what it is... but another to read from the viewpoint of the Bi-Polar person as they give a deep insight into living through the stages and phases. If I can find that book name I will pass it on to you, at the same time I would suggest trying to find a support group for spouses of Bi-Polar disorder, because if you want any chance to save your marriage you need to know how to live with and deal with Manic Depression.