Magnificent

[mishka422]

Gabe has no desire to be involved in Marc's schooling or much of anything else for that matter.

I used to keep him informed of upcoming things for Marc's calendar but since he never took an interest and made comments to me to the effect of, "you're telling me this why?", I stopped trying. I can't make him give a good darn. He is what he is......useless.

Marc's teachers and school counselors won't become involved in domestic issues. This is nothing directly detrimental to Marc so no need to get involved or involve DFACS. It's really just more of the same but a little less for Marc since Gabe isn't in the house harassing him.

More journaling....unfortunately. Warning....feel free to stop reading now.

Is all of this misery God's punishment for all of my bad choices? I had my 20 years of mostly happy based on lies and bad judgement and now is the time to pay for it - not to mention the afterlife and what lies in wait there. What is it? 20 years of ignorant contentment (for the most part) followed by an eternity of misery? That sounds about right.

How do most people manage to fake happy for decades? I'm so tired from it. I just want to stay in bed and sleep from the exhaustion of the 'happy face'. ICK!

Tonight I was talking to my cousin about doing this bible study at church starting tomorrow. It's a Beth Moore study titled, "Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman". She was commenting about one of the other ladies attending and how she was bringing a friend with her that doesn't like crowds and is very quiet and shy. She said to our other friend that she should probably not sit at our table because our craziness (sarcasm, boisterous, loud) would scare the poor woman off. The first thought in my head was that there was no way I was going to have the energy to keep up that charade for an entire 12 week study.

I know...depression makes you tired. It's just not so much the depression that's doing it though...it's the energy it's taking me to keep up this false pretense of 'miss happy go lucky, nothing bothers me, I'm just GREAT and I'm not in the least bit sad, lonely, depressed, or miserable."

ICK! ICK! ICK! ICK!

There comes a time that you just have to say enough is enough. So....enough! It's not going to be pretty when the facade comes down but it's going to have to soon. Watch them all scatter for the hills then! It will look like a mass migration out of here when the you know what hits the fan. I can't do it anymore, the crack in the mask has gotten too big to patch up with spit and bubble gum anymore.