Magnificent

[Reincarnated]

I'm waiting for Marc to say "Yes, yes I do." And hang up.

Amazing that the man "forgets" that his son is on the autistic spectrum, and hey, SURPRISE!, social interactions can be challenging for them!

Breath, mish. Unfortunately, it has to be between them. Unless one of Marc's teachers / counselors can remind his father of reasonable expectations...?

[mishka422]

HA! Gabe would have to ever be involved in Marc's schooling. The extent of his involvement is, "Did you do your homework?" That's it. He doesn't come to the meet the teacher nights, curriculum nights, nothing.....

Poor Marc, his response was, 'No. That's not it. I just didn't hear the phone.'

I feel so bad for my son to have to have him as a father. What poor choices I made. Freakin' loser. I just want him 100% out of my life. How do I do that? Short of a hit man!!!

C tomorrow. My mind is racing. I don't want to go...it's just too hard for me.

[Reincarnated]

Mish, you can do it. The C will help out in the long run - if it were easy, we wouldn't be in this situation, right? It might help you hit the "fast-forward" button on some of your healing.

And, the school or his counselor can call his father..

just thinking out loud.

[mishka422]

Gabe has no desire to be involved in Marc's schooling or much of anything else for that matter.

I used to keep him informed of upcoming things for Marc's calendar but since he never took an interest and made comments to me to the effect of, "you're telling me this why?", I stopped trying. I can't make him give a good darn. He is what he is......useless.

Marc's teachers and school counselors won't become involved in domestic issues. This is nothing directly detrimental to Marc so no need to get involved or involve DFACS. It's really just more of the same but a little less for Marc since Gabe isn't in the house harassing him.

More journaling....unfortunately. Warning....feel free to stop reading now.

Is all of this misery God's punishment for all of my bad choices? I had my 20 years of mostly happy based on lies and bad judgement and now is the time to pay for it - not to mention the afterlife and what lies in wait there. What is it? 20 years of ignorant contentment (for the most part) followed by an eternity of misery? That sounds about right.

How do most people manage to fake happy for decades? I'm so tired from it. I just want to stay in bed and sleep from the exhaustion of the 'happy face'. ICK!

Tonight I was talking to my cousin about doing this bible study at church starting tomorrow. It's a Beth Moore study titled, "Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman". She was commenting about one of the other ladies attending and how she was bringing a friend with her that doesn't like crowds and is very quiet and shy. She said to our other friend that she should probably not sit at our table because our craziness (sarcasm, boisterous, loud) would scare the poor woman off. The first thought in my head was that there was no way I was going to have the energy to keep up that charade for an entire 12 week study.

I know...depression makes you tired. It's just not so much the depression that's doing it though...it's the energy it's taking me to keep up this false pretense of 'miss happy go lucky, nothing bothers me, I'm just GREAT and I'm not in the least bit sad, lonely, depressed, or miserable."

ICK! ICK! ICK! ICK!

There comes a time that you just have to say enough is enough. So....enough! It's not going to be pretty when the facade comes down but it's going to have to soon. Watch them all scatter for the hills then! It will look like a mass migration out of here when the you know what hits the fan. I can't do it anymore, the crack in the mask has gotten too big to patch up with spit and bubble gum anymore.

[kat727]

Sometimes I think that you don't give your friends enough credit. I think they would be far more supportive then you believe. Depression is awful. It just sucks everything out of you and it is difficult to overcome by yourself. The more support you have the easier it will become.

I remember during the first few months after ex filed for divorce, I could barely function. I thought I was hiding it so well. Finally after coming here and being able to talk about things that were happening, going to my C and talking a bit to my friends, I finally broke through. I remember saying something to my boss and he was like, Thank God. It has been so hard watching you go through this and not knowing what to say or do. I am glad you are feeling better. The thing is, I wasn't hiding it very well at all. So maybe it is like that too. Your friends are waiting for you to open up about it.

You can do this and the C will help. Depression really does hurt everyone because they can feel the pain too. Depression is like the dementors and you hon, are like Harry. You are going to have to learn how to make a patronus in order to keep them away!

hugs, kat

[karen43]

Hey, mishka. I just wanted to say that I think definitely God doesn't want to punish you. We've all made bad choices and had poor judgment. I can't say for certain, but I think God feels like us like we do with our kids. They make bad judgments/choices or mistakes, and we still love them and want the best for them. I think God is like that too.

With the depression, I think you almost have to do the George Costanza thing. That episode where he did the opposite of everything he normally would have done, and everything turned out great for him. I find I have to push myself out the door sometimes to GAL or do something fun, but then afterwards I realized it was exactly what I needed to do to get good PMA.

I can't imagine how you are able to act fake happy all the time. That seems so hard and impossible. I think I kind of do that with acquaintances, you know people I just see for a couple minutes, but with friends and family I let them see my happiness, unhappiness, or stress or whatever. I do think you should maybe try out some of your closer friends and give them a chance. And if they can't handle the real you--then maybe get some new friends?

[mishka422]

You are all right....totally!

New friends? Heck, it was hard enough to get the one's I have now. Part of my C is dropping the mask. I keep telling her I'm afraid to do that because I don't like what's behind it. She says that why I'm feeling so alone is because I won't let anyone close enough to see who I really am.

That's the rub.....

Karen, you say you let your friends and family see all of it. I used to let those close to me see the whole range of emotions. Now that I'm concentrating on why I don't do that I just recognized something. I stopped expressing every bad feeling I have when Gabe left. I have associated him leaving with my own showing vulnerability to him. Showing pain, anger, frustration, depression and stress to someone else requires vulnerability and I now can not show that to anyone. My scary little voice in my head tells me that if I do they will leave....just like Gabe did.

Now, the rational side of me tells me that Gabe left for his own selfish reasons. Went looking for OW because of his selfish desires and inability to show feeling to me. Yes, I partially pushed him away....after years of him ignoring me and making me feel like less and less of a woman.

How does someone like me get back any portion of self-respect? I don't know, but I'm working on it.

With help from my C and all of you here, maybe I'll be able to someday.

[BobbiJo]

Oh, Mish....wish I could reach out and hug ya.

Remember, you share a lot with us here on these boards and we all love ya...bet your friends in real life would, too.

[dday101798]

Sorry Mish, hang in there.

Apparently the attack plan for the week from planet X is 'break em down emotionally with all the rhetoric you can muster'.

Perhaps we should rehash our posts from last week when we all laughed of how ridiulous they were acting to us. What kept us so strong then that we could all just laugh it off? What changed?

I'm not sure what's changed, they tried harder? We became tired and week and let it finally get to us?

I don't know. But, we here on planet life goes on need to band together, power in numbers!

[Andabelle]

Would DFACS get involved if someone at his dad's place was stealing his meds? There's endangerment for ya.

I'm so sorry your in such a bad place right now. Just Marc's sitch alone is very draining. I am lucky my H is willing to help with my autistic S26-- I just had to send Shay to his dad's for a week because he went ape-sh*t on me (wasn't taking his meds like he's supposed to, and i forgot to check if he had 3 days in a row. I'm a bad mom). I worry all the time about what will happen to him when we're both gone.

Please keep going to your C.