Thank you for your thoughts... I read and re-read your post over and over and after ruminating on it I had a heart to heart with my H. Not about the mother issues or even the non-existant sex life, but instead about signals.
I told him about SSM and he says he will read the first chapter and if it makes sense to him he is willing to go through the book with me. I then asked him questions that might have been 'wrong', maybe giving him excuses for his EA, but I wanted to open the door that I know I am not totally blameless.
I told him that I was sorry that I had been 'pulling away' when he would try to hold my hand or get close... that it was instinct to protect myself... that I hurt and the first thing that would cross my mind was 'why would he want to touch someone that disgusted him' and I was trying to work on that.
He said that I confused him and gave mixed messages... some days I would even reach out to hold his hand and others I would cringe if he reached towards me. I explained that some days something would trigger a memory and I would get very low and on those days it would all come crashing back, but I would try to work on that and if I pulled away he needed to tell me, not to accuse me of pulling away or keep trying to push te issue but to just say ', you are pulling away'.
He said that yes, it was all fantasy online and on the phone... they had no idea that he had any testosterone issues and he could lie to them, that he could not 'fail' them.
I told him that the only way he ever failed me was not in not completeing an act but by refusing any kind of intimate contact beyond holding a hand.
I then took a deep breath and said "this is your one 'get out of jail free' moment... if you are still doing it you need to tell me now, because once we start working on things will be too late. I have been crushed over and over and if I discover later, when we are starting to rebuild, that you are still having EA online and on the phone I will not be able to handle it. If you tell me you are... then we can start with a clean slate, but if you tell me you aren't and you are there is no hope at all.'
He swore that he is not doing anything and I will have to give him the benefit of the doubt... not trust him, trust was killed, dug up, burned then scattered, but I will try to believe him.
As for the intimacy in our relationship... before we were married we had a very active love life, then we moved back into the area we are both from and it seems that we left the sex life behind.
He is now on testosterone replacement therapy, and while I hope that it makes him feel better it scares me at the same time because deep inside I fear that his EA will become PA.
Oh... one last thing I told him in our talk "I was always the one to innitiate things... if you want things to work then I am putting the keys in your hand. You will have to be the one to come to me, because I cannot risk another rejection. This does not mean that things can stay as they are."
Did I do something stupid by giving an ultimatum or giving him excuses or did I maybe let him see that maybe I am trying to understand his mindset?
M- 11 y H- 40 Me- 41 D (1st M) 19 S (1st M) 17 First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000 Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06 SSM (total) 3 1/2 years
