Sorry new guy, now I'm getting this.HELP! In late May my wife had a death in her family and she has been under a lot of stress,work,home,money.By July "accept if I want to stay with a man that will not change." "I talk for my husband,told to focus on me."What she didn't know is I have wanted to change a lot.Like most men wait until it becomes a crisis. It started she said she was "broken" and "numb" no feeling at all to extreme anger to me,she says terrible things to me,but it would be ok,fortunately "more good than bad."August "hope we get through this too, you're not helping your cause." "I want to be alone."She is showing a lot of signs of a midlife crisis.we are currently seperated she is seeing a counselor I am seeing a counselor,that has a hunch at somepoint this would have happened regardless of who she married after meeting w/ her he said she said i never offered emotional support?, we are not going together,she is seeing someone for her issues me for ours.Late July she said she did love me,i didn't realize i was pushing and it spiraled down hill too quick.we have been seperated for 2 months and our relationship has not gotten anybetter.I am following the last resort techniques and changing myself found out I have ADD working a 40 hr wk vs 65,reading books,phone sessions,focusing on myself and kids.Oh we are currently switching weeks at the house,but she is saying don't worry about her focus on me build a relationship on the kids.Only positive is email about the kids, no texts about us or calls or discussion about us from her or me.Did tell me she is seeing her counselor and her counselor knows everything about me, wife doesn't know, but I have seen this counselor a lot,too,but counselor isn't telling me what my wife says, but she knows my intentions.But I am the only one her tone of voice changes with if she talks to me.She is seeing this counselor to help her find her voice and empower herself and will not take any suggestions from me even as a friend.Ideas would be great. Is there a difference between a female or males midlife crisis?Or is this a WAW with a lot of built up anger?Can someone tell me what to expect and chances of putting this back together?I have always been committed to her and kids.She has built a relationship with a neighbor who has told me they have a "brother/sister relationship."I do not think they are intimate.He is older,but they do a lot for eachother and talk nonstop,he even offered her his house this week while I have kids.Wife's counselor knows this,too. HELP!!! Lived together since 19 Married 15yrs Both 37 2 children 14yr old g, 11yr old b all yrs of marriage worked seperate shifts,she handled finances
The reason I asked you to post here is well for several reasons.
One you posted here first.
Two New Comers is good and all, but there is also alot of conflicting advice at times.
Three if you wife is in MLC then, not all the advice you get in New Comers is going to serve you well in your goal toward still being married.
That being said, it is up for you to determine if your wife is in MLC.
There are several resources at the top of this board. Just please do yourself a favor and do not apply a time line to your wife, and if you can...skip the stages, they aren't in any order, and it doesn't help you to put them in any order...MLC is what it is.
You had a few people tell you in Newcomers to read Divorce Busting...please do. It is an amazing resource. However, do not let your wife see that book. Do not show it to her thinking that it will magically solve your problems by brandishing liek a sword in front of a dragon.
Use paragraphs when writing it makes it easier to read and you want people to read this and respond.
Stop asking your C for what your wife told him/her, it is unprofessional on their end if they did.
You should prepare yourself mentally for the possibility of your wife having a physical affair.
Be the one in whatever number it is of successful DBers, although your definition of success will change. Some one has to be, why not you?
I hope some others will chime in with their words and thoughts.
I'd say sorry you're here, but if you're here, you have some growing to do. And really 'sorry' and $3.50 gets you a cup of coffee today.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I'm gonna say that I have to agree with Jack. Newcomers is good, and will help you realize you aren't alone, but sometimes the advice really doesn't fit if it is MLC.
He is also right about paragraphs, but I don't always follow that rule. Sorry Jack
Only you can really determine if it is MLC or not. The resources do help. As you read others stories, MLC and not MLC, you will see some similarities, but other things will stand out to you either way.
DB is no magic fix, whatever situation you are in. But it is a way to help you cope, heal, and it is a process. Just like the counseling. This just doesn't get better overnight, it didn't happen overnight.
Restored marriages are wonderful, but one thing I've learned is that is not the definition of success. That is what Jack was hinting at. You will hear it time and again here.
So read, post, people will come to help. If you have J3B checking in, you can be some other wonderful people will too. He may seem rough and gruff, but he's a good wise man.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
One of the things YOU need to realize here is that MLC, if that is the case, is NOT an easy path for either of you.
Don't think for one minute that she is clear headed and fully cognizant of what it is that she is doing at any minute through this thing.
That being said, there is no reason at all for BOTH of you to spin in circles right now.
You should concentrate on being a Father, and a Man first right now. Being a husband is Yet to be Determined for her.
Accept that what she feels, is what she feels. Validate that, and understand that, but don't buy into anything that she says.
Listen VERY closely to her complaints though, there is probably some credence to them. And YOU need to address those things.
Realistically, they would cause concerns in ANY relationship, not just with her.
Take this time that she has given you, YES, I said that correctly, and use it to find the person that you have lost over the years. I stress YOU there too.....
There are NO GUARANTEES in this DB'ing thing. Saving your marriage MAY happen, but saving yourself is the priority right now.
Take a look in the mirror and decide what YOU can do better than what you have been doing.
Do some of the things you have always wanted to do, don't quit living.
Yes, J3B is a bit Gruff, and maybe I am too, but through a true MLC, an armadillo should look at you and say, " Man that dude has a thick skin, I wish mine was that thick. "....
Stop talking to everyone around you, READ, READ, READ, and when you are done ?
READ some more and totally understand what is happening around you right now.
Knowledge is power, and you need all the advantage you can get to get through this thing.
Find a different therapist for YOU and YOU alone. Conflict of interest right now.
Read some of the other peoples threads here too, post to others and forge friendships with these people that are in this with you.
A LOT of valuable information is on their threads....USE IT !!!!
Thanks for the advice, i cancelled my visit with my counselor and faxed a letter to her counselor, that I'm just going to sit back and watch how she handles kids and stuff, there has been some stuff going on, bad stuff and as a parent i want to protect them.
But my daughter wants her mom, because she has been bowling over her for years.Anything I do this week is only going to be undone.I was thinking of just doing a 180 with my teen and letting her get away with some stuff.She sees me as the strict one or do I keep asking for respect and I'm reading books and I know whats' right.Deciding if I should be happy vs right,for now
Oh i didn't ask him what she is saying.He told me that part of her was wanting a divorce and part of her wasn't and to focus on myself.Dealing with a husband wife counseling team, i wanted his wife to know how I felt and what i thought was going on and I didn't leave anything out about myself,good or bad, I didn't leave anything out about my wife either.
I did pass somethings on to the counselors, while i have been gone, my teenage daughter has pulled some things and she always has.Then after reading posts last night, I decided to quit trying to help.
quit trying to help? Who your daughter? If you say yes your daughter...
Something else...do not involve your friends or family in this. Do not talk about your problems with your friends or family, one other thing do not talk about your marriage problems with your friends or family.
Don't. It makes them picks sides and it makes it REALLY hard for reconcilliation later.
You want sympathy, you get it here...not so much from me but others will make you feel all warm and fuzzy like a fluffy bunny snuggled up in a unicorn rainbow. : )
Man, cowboy up and be a parent.
This surely insn't easy. Either crumble or stand defiant on the wall in the face of the horde.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 09/15/0904:40 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Being "right" is the straight line out of your M, IMO.
But the focus right now needs to be on you and your kids. Someone needs to be the "parent" and it sounds like you are it right now. Of course everyone has different parenting styles, but kids need structure and love and if suddenly no one seems to be providing that, recipie for disaster.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
