Summer 2009

[WCW]

I think your attorney senses that dickypoo is teetering on the edge and attorney is using this to your advantage to keep the momentum going. Can we rename Dick and call him Humpty Dumpty?

You sound good BT, I hope your attorney team can 'getrdone' for you. You've been dumped on so much and certainly this team seems to be proactive for you. Applause!!!!

[Between Tears]

Hi Snodderly,

No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth.... Really! My computer did an automatic download and set up this firewall that wouldn't allow me on the web.... LOL! Then as I was trying to clear the firewall, I erased ALL, and I mean ALL of my passwords to get online, my email, and to different site... which means, I couldn't remember a single one of them! Yup, so for the past 4 days I've been going through my computer to loose the firewall, and once I gained access, I had to request my passwords.... but alas, here I am!

As for my BOTH my Attorneys, they dislike the Judge, as he is one of the main reasons they still practice in this town, otherwise they would be in Wichita alone. The Judge in my case has taken more children away from their Mother's or both their parents than any other Judge in the area. My Attorneys have returned more of these children back to their families, than any other lawyer has so far.

Mind you, I gave these two cart blanche to my counselor, and the same for my counselor towards the Attorneys. So they all know what the score is, where I'm concerned. I told these Attorneys to talk to my children, to listen to their voices, so they know for themselves what the children want, or wanted where D is concerned. They have no doubt what so ever is what is going on now.

So, I was caught off gard with the "Dad" Attorney's desire to have Dick served while in California. I guess, from what you suggest, Dad is letting everyone know he's gonna play hard ball, and believes he has every reason to believe he's gonna win.

Let's hope so, Snodderly.... I like the way it feels already!

[Between Tears]

Hi Mojo!

Wow, I thought once you made up your mind, went forward with the divorce and such, that you rarely came back here... what a sight you are for sore eyes! Although, I have to admit, I love to follow you on Facebook.... You sound so good!

So, you think I've finally got a chance to break this never ending cycle.... I sure hope so, it would be nice to move forward without having to look back.

Oh sure, there are still moments when I really miss my life on the farm, and how happy the children really were back then, BUT, to be given my own free will, without having to worry what was going to come at me next, would be so soothing... I'm just waiting to have a really happy life again, one without those same old worries.

So good to hear from you.... don't be a stranger!

[Between Tears]

WCW,

I so love the sounds of Humpty Dumpty.... Yes, he's one cracked egg, and so full of himself, I'm sure he'd stink for days!

You've got a good point though, Dick is showing signs of weakness, like calling S's house Mother an A-hole in that text, which of course my attorney's have a copy of. Dick does feel he can do anything he wants, and in his own way, all the time, and just maybe, this will be just enough to even out the playing field.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.... I do hope the end is in sight.

[mojo]

Hi

I'm here pretty regularly - I just don't think that I have so much to offer. But the advice is good - sometimes I needa reminder.

Facebook is good and life is also good. But my ex is still "out there" aren't they all? I also miss huge parts of my "old life".

I hope that you do get the break that you and your family so deserve.

[Between Tears]

Hi Mojo,

I check in often too, as I also feel the same way, I don't have much to offer to too many people. Yes, as always, there is good advise here, and often I do need the help to look at things in a different light.

Dick, like your ex, is still way out there, although there are times when I wonder if he's always been out there, yet I just ignored or denied (to myself) what I saw, you know, just made up excuses for him..... which, I know I did a lot of explaining about his actions, for a long time.

I know I wore some heavy duty rose colored glasses for a long while, used justification to help me ignore some of the more painful things I experienced, and often blamed myself for things that weren't entirely my fault.

All of this put together, along with nearly 6 years of on again, off again counseling, has me wondering if old Dick has always been near the "deep end" all along.

I see now, I was pretty co-dependent within my own ways, some of it came naturally, or I had learned growing up, while I know I also developed a few new ways while married to Dick..... and no, he's not responsible for the way I acted, for that was my own doing.... so, I don't blame him at all, he was just being himself, I became my own adaptation... LOL. I did have choices all along, like, oh, leaving.... but I chose to stay, using such excuses "for the sake of the children" which became one of my favorites, I didn't want them coming from a broken home.... and now look at them, they really don't even have a home.

I realize this is a mess I helped create. I just wish there was something I could do to ease the children's pain. Oh, sure, I can ease my own pain by saying "they too have grown, have become more emotionally aware" or even use "The children are resilient....." and soothe my soul my telling myself they will become stronger because of it....

Oh, how I hate to hear that statement "children are resilient" if it was truly so, why do we have so many messed up adults, and this website is just proof that children really aren't so resilient, as we all would like to think. What children do, just as I did as a child, is focus on the future, and believe things will be better once they become adults.... they put their pain, their fears in the back of their minds, they muster through those awful days, with a faith that some how, some way, when they become adults, they will have enough control in their lives to soothe their childhood memories of what they had to endure.

To know that my goal was to raise my children with as much emotional health as I could learn prior to their birth, and through out their many different stages of life, that I went so far to read, digest, and envelop everything I could learn, so they could have the best childhood someone like me, could give them, and to see what has happened to my hopes and dreams, the pain I have caused them, because of my own inabilities, has left me devistated. I am a failure......

[Andabelle]

You are a good mom! Don't go down that road. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.

[Golfgirl1]

You are not a failure! Keep looking ahead, one day at a time...things will get bette.

[BeingMe]

Yes, and Dick as their father .... it must've been one heck of an uphill battle.

[Between Tears]

Thank you Ladies for being so kind....

I have to look at all that is going on here and now. I obviously have to see that this wouldn't be happening now, if I hadn't made the choices that I've made. I have the key to unlock the door, yet I can't seem to find it. Oh, I've been looking for years now, yet, haven't been able to get a grasp on what I'm supposed to learn, or change, or get the lesson down pat.

I have to look at myself, the answers are within me, yet, what I see within isn't all that pretty to look at. I also realize there has to be some truth to what Dick says or takes me to court for, outside of the fact he seems to need to destroy me....

Although I have to admit, the majority of things he sees are some form of projection, therefore, is he really trying to destroy me, or himself? Now, there's one to think about....

I don't know, maybe it's just time for a good old fashion pity party, allow myself to crash, cry, and curl up into the fetal position until I get all of this grief out of my system....

Something has got to give.... I don't like this life that I have before me. The new job, as of a week ago, cut hours down to 32 hours a week.... I could barely make it on the 40, and there's no way I'm gonna float on 32 hours. I spent yesterday filling out applications, just hoping I'll find one that will suit my needs.

I would think that just one thing in my life would be easy by this time, yet things continue to become worse. I found out just two days ago, S quit football because the coach yelled at him during half time and again at the end of the game for not tackling enough players..... so S quit right then and there.

I know it wasn't what the coach said, but more the way S felt by being yelled at.... he received enough of it during his stay in California with his Father this last summer. He too, has become beatened down by all of this, and we both can't wait until November. Yes, it's only a few months, but right now it feels like an eternity. Right now, it's nearly impossible to comfort him, for the one day we can spend the whole day together, I'm forced to work. Oh, we get a few hours together, but it's not enough time to dig into the heavier conversations.

I don't know, I just need some time off, off this damned curse of a ride, and back to where I felt like I was worth something, or had the ability to make a difference in the children's lives.

I know, patience, it will be here soon.