Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Thanks Greek,

Mrs. Thinker, Mrs. GIMA and I should start a Surviving MIL support group. -

You know, as a son, I never imagined how bad it could be. There should be a class for new husbands..."You now no longer have a mother - she has become your wife's Mother in Law" Holy Cow!

Coach and I cannot believe how similar your mother’s grievances are to the ones his mother has against me…esp. the one about the worst thing I did wrong was to marry her son.

Well, I added that one - it didn't come from my parents. It is my interpretation of the level of reaction when compared to the real, expressed grievances.

When I moved out last year, his mother said, “So now you can come home.” Like I was holding him captive or something. Geeeeeeezz.

I got "Well you know...she never really was...we always thought...etc" It's like there was never anything good about her or our M. Immediately after the bomb (in the fog of the battle damage) I made the mistake of telling my parents that Mrs. Thinker and I were "Having Problems" etc - no real details. Since then I have had to put a hard stop all discussions with them regarding anything even remotely related to our M because of their irrational bias.

I think telling her now, while she is so raw over it, is only going to turn this skirmish into a full blown “you’re dead to me” war with your parents and her.

You are right. I now understand this. I struggled with the idea of "If we are to be partners on this, how can I not tell her..." concept. I did tell her a few things a couple of nights ago, however, and while it didn't go to "You are now dead to me", it did go to "I never want to see your mother ever again" The truth is indeed even more painful than the years of doubt.

telling your sibs to get out of it

My sibs are not really a part of it, except for the fact that I get calls saying "I don't want to be a part of this, and I refused to talk to Mom about it, but I just wanted you to know that Mom called last night and started saying XYZ" They are both friends with Mrs. Thinker and support our M.

…and letting your mother know that by dragging them into it, she’s perpetuating discord and making it harder to work through in the long run.

So far my mother won't even admit saying anything negative to anyone ever. I think I'd have to tape her conversations with people and play them back to her.

One thing you might suggest to the two grown up girls that you love (mother and W) is that they get in the same room and face a few things. Much preferred to mom calling all the sibs and telling them what she really might need to say to W - how unfair to W not give her a shot at answering to all of this. It’s a scary thought, I know, but it’s what I think Big Girls should do (and seldom do). And if that did happen, you would be right there beside Mrs. T holding the line and keeping it real

Ha! I laugh only because a) I don't think my mother would even be able to admit she had had a negative thought, much less a negative word, and b) Mrs. Thinker has already stated categorically that she has no interest in ever doing such a thing. (and with point a) I am not sure I blame her)

I know this to be a deep and painful wound – being rejected by a family you give up your own name to be a part of. Don’t get me started. Coach’s parents turned out to be one of the biggest wounds to our M (we learned later). He handled them almost exactly as you describe handling yours. I hung in there with it until – well – I couldn’t. When I left Coach, I thought of myself as leaving them, too.

Thanks. That helps me. My wife has said almost the same thing to me.

Be there for her so she can heal. Going forward, don’t allow anymore damage from their direction. Get in the way of it. When you didn’t know, that was one thing. Now that you know…well…you know.

I am interested to know how your joint R with Coaches parents is now. Did they ever accept you? Did they ever accept that they were wrong? Are you able (or will you ever be able) to hold "Normal" extended family relations

How does Coach handle his parents now? I have found that trying to tell my mother that she is doing something wrong is like trying to nail jello to the wall.

On Saturday night, Mrs. Thinker said "I am serious, I don't ever want them spending time with my kids. I feel like if they ever do they are going to be making comments about me and trying to poison my sons against me. (pause) Even if we end up getting divorced, I don't want them spending time with the boys.....(Long pause where I bit my tongue and she considered what she had said - and how little control she would have if we got divorced)....maybe that's a reason not to get divorced in and of itself."

So my major concern right now is not over me or my R with Mrs. Thinker (we'll either work through this or not) or whether I can protect Mrs. Thinker (I can do that by putting distance between her and my mom), but whether my kids will be able to have the same R that I had with my grandparents.