Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Greek]

Mrs. Thinker, Mrs. GIMA and I should start a Surviving MIL support group. Thinker ~~~ Coach and I cannot believe how similar your mother’s grievances are to the ones his mother has against me…esp. the one about the worst thing I did wrong was to marry her son. When I moved out last year, his mother said, “So now you can come home.” Like I was holding him captive or something. Geeeeeeezz.

Anyway.

You asked if you should now tell Mrs. Thinker the laundry list that your parents have against her. I say no…unless you intend to address those issues with them FIRST and then tell her how you handled it. But just telling her, while open, is not going to address the problem. It’s going to hurt her…and you’ll be the messenger. But if you said, “My parents said they’ve been mad because of xyz that happened 123 years ago. But I told them that we la ti da. “ That will show her that you are going to bat for her. But really, I think telling her now, while she is so raw over it, is only going to turn this skirmish into a full blown “you’re dead to me” war with your parents and her.

I would not take any part in spreading the mess, Thinker, and that means telling your sibs to get out of it…and letting your mother know that by dragging them into it, she’s perpetuating discord and making it harder to work through in the long run. One thing you might suggest to the two grown up girls that you love (mother and W) is that they get in the same room and face a few things. Much preferred to mom calling all the sibs and telling them what she really might need to say to W - how unfair to W not give her a shot at answering to all of this. It’s a scary thought, I know, but it’s what I think Big Girls should do (and seldom do). And if that did happen, you would be right there beside Mrs. T holding the line and keeping it real

I know this to be a deep and painful wound – being rejected by a family you give up your own name to be a part of. Don’t get me started. Coach’s parents turned out to be one of the biggest wounds to our M (we learned later). He handled them almost exactly as you describe handling yours. I hung in there with it until – well – I couldn’t. When I left Coach, I thought of myself as leaving them, too.

Be there for her so she can heal. Going forward, don’t allow anymore damage from their direction. Get in the way of it. When you didn’t know, that was one thing. Now that you know…well…you know.

Greek (who swears she'll be a kind and nurturing MIL when her time comes!)