Infidelity

[sandi2]

Glad you came back to post. The more you will post to us and tell us what is going on, the better. I wanted to respond to some things you said.

He is not sorry for this and feels very justified in having this relationship because we grew apart.

This is typical of a WAS. Don't expect him to show remorse or to apologize to you for a very long time, unless he is not the norm. Don't try to talk to him about how he should feel regarding his family, M, or the A, b/c it will do more harm than good. You have to trust us on this b/c he is going down a path that we have all experienced one way or the other.

I have asked him to leave but he still asks if he can stay.

He wants his cake and eat it too. He will not agree to give up OW as long as he can live at home, have his W, his family and her too. What have you told him when he asks if he can stay?

Today, on his way home he asked me to pick him up from the airport. He didn't say anything about me not wanting him to come home.

Why should he as long as he can have it both ways? Know what I mean?

Please HELP me because I want to tell him that as long as he is in this other relationship, he cannot come home. Am I right? Please HELP!!!

There are two ways that you can go. There is the DB way which suggest that you stay with him in the home as long as possible to show him how great you are--and for you to outshine the OW. The other way is "tough love" and that is where you tell him that you won't share him with another person and you refuse to live with him as his W. You have to decide which way you can live.

I have to drag any feeling or thoughts out of him. He has a lot of emotion, but is afraid to share it with his dad. I guess he is afraid of him leaving him too.

I don't think you should try to make him discuss his feelings. Boys often find it hard to talk to their mom about how they feel. They don't know how to put it into words. Maybe he isn't sure just exactly what he is feeling, but I'll bet two emotions are--anger and disappointment....if he knows what his dad is doing. The 18 year old may not be worried about dad leaving as much as the 13 year old. Do your children know what is going on? I do not think it is wise to let them see you afraid or worrying a lot b/c then they will feel even more insecure.

I told my two older children they should share their feelings with their dad and their fears even if it is hard or scary. Is that the right thing to do?

Well, IMHO, I would not be telling the kids to tell their dad anything unless they ask you about it. It sounds to me as if you are pushing the kids to do the talking.....and that is a NO-NO. Don't use the children to try to make your H feel guilty or to get him to decide to stop the A and be a good H & dad. It won't work and he will think less of you.

I made the mistake of bringing up the relationship AGAIN and he told me he is definately through. I asked him to leave but he won't.

Are you talking about him being through with the M? You must stop bringing up about the MR and the A. The more you talk about this to him....the more you are pushing him away.

Is he trying to get me to leave? How do I cope with this pain?

It doesn't matter if he is trying to get you to leave....just don't do it. If he wants to leave...fine, but you should not have to leave your home and no court is going to force you out when he's the one having an A.

Now listen, the first thing you have to do is to stop being this scared little housewife that is clinging to her H afraid that he is going to leave her. That is very unattractive! You have got to have some spunk and decide that you aren't going to be a doormat and show some dignity and fight in you. You have to show this man what a great gal you are and that he would be crazy for leaving somebody like yourself for that OW! Sure you are in pain, but if you go around the house showing "him" how much pain you're in and thinking it will stop his A, then you are sadly mistaken. The more you act like that, the further away you are sending him. You don't want him to have pity for you, right? You want his respect and his love. You want him to cherish and adore you. What you have to do is not with words but with actions and attitude.

Can the situations really be turned around?

Yes it can! However, it takes a long time and this way you have seen him acting.....all hot & cold? That is just a taste of what's to come. He may want to make love to you tonight and go to OW in the morning and make love to her! Are you shocked? B/c don't think for a minute it can't happen. This man is not the man you M and you will see a side of him that you never thought possible. You must stop thinking of him as the man you always knew b/c he is going through something different and he doesn't even understand his own emotions right now.

I just want him to tell me it will all be ok. How silly huh?

You want us to tell you what you already know. It is wishful thinking and you must realize that this is the wrong action for you to take. He is not going to tell you everything will be okay. That is the thoughts of a dependent wife. You have been a SAHM for a long time.....and that is great if that is what you wanted. I would have loved to have done that. However, the problem with being home for so many years is that your self-esteem has apparently taken a dive. You have no self-confidence and feel that you could not support yourself b/c you have no experience in the workforce. Therefore, you cling more tightly to your H.....and that is a huge turn-off.

I can almost promise you that if you were to be self-confident and showed him the door.....and showed him you didn't need him in your life and that you could make it just fine without him.....he'd have a change of heart fast. That is his advantage, though, b/c he knows you've depended on him all these years. So, what can you do to change your image?

Please give me advice on how to hang in there and get him to come around and see the value of our beautiful family.

What were you like when he fell in love with you?

I'm telling you like it is and I know it's hard to hear. Your H is bored and burned out and he wants something exciting in his life. This OW tells him things that make him feel more valauble as a man. She makes him feel sexy. Maybe she makes him feel as if he could do anything he sets his mind to do. Yes, I know you've told him these things....but it is "new" coming from her. She is new. He feels different with her. He likes the way she makes him feel. So....what can you do that will take his attention off the OW and put it on you? BTW, you want his positive attention...not negative. That is why you need to outshine the OW. You must be the better woman.

For one thing, you have to become unavailable. Do you know how to do that? You can't follow him around the house all the time. Don't do anything to make him feel smothered or pressured. Don't talk too much when he's around. Find places to go and leave him at home taking care of the kids instead of you.....or instead of him going out to meet OW. Don't call him during the day or TM, email, etc. You let him do all the contacting. Remember how to play hard to get? You don't pursue him.

When you are around your H, you need to act up-beat, in spite of how you really feel. Why? B/c people want to be around those who are fun and are full of life and energy. Who wants to be around somebody that is unhappy & depressed?

Do whatever you can about your apprearence to help improve it. Maybe you need to change something. New hair color or style. How about a change in your clothes? But most important is to improve your personallity and attitude. Set you some goals to work toward. Be the very best "you" that you can be. Be a woman that any man would be a fool to leave.