I'm trying! I realize I have a major problem doing things just for me - esp. when I focus on many things I have done wrong in my M in the past. I guess I want to be able to show him a new way of relating to him, and that will take time. Meanwhile, I am struggling to forgive myself for my past wrongs and it's hard. I royally screwed things up and didn't really get it until I almost lost him. How do I ever forgive myself for that? How do I care for myself when I'm so mad at myself? I guess this is my big growth lesson.
And my IC today reminded me that no matter what H says, he IS showing up here a lot. He is talking more openly. He is spending family time. This is huge progress from a month ago when we rarely talked and when we did, we fought! He hasn't filed for D yet....etc.
And yet, I need to be ok no matter what. I know this. It's as hard for me as it is for any of us on this board.
I know you are all right though in telling me this weekend that I need to do these things for me - not checking over my shoulder constantly to see if H recognizes.
Figuring out what I want and need - drawing boundaries - doing things for myself no matter what H does. And the biggie - forgiving myself for the mistakes in my M.
Thanks everyone. I am making those changes and it feels good.
