I am really sorry to hear that your MC did not better that it did. I was really hoping it would. I agree with others on her that you should stick to what is working for you. If any couple who goes to an MC ask that C straight out if 'he/she can help fix the M', I think all MC's are going to say they can. It's their job to try and fix it, but if it breaks down still, the MC doesn't lose anything by just listening and giving advice.
Heck, girl, you have gotten better advice on here already than just setting goals. I truelly hope the best for you. I have no real good advice right now. My sitch is still in the same area that it has always been except H does not seem to be cheating but angrier about things. (I will update my sitch soon with all my crap from the last few days soon)
I would agree with bridgestone, get the bag ready in case you ever need it. MINE is still packed. I change things as the seasons change and my kids' needs change, but I still got it ready.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Hi SB, Sorry to hear that things went as I though they would...there are just some things that seem to be very common among abusive spouses - and that belief that they are being attacked when one disagrees with them comes up over and over.
Do be careful, though, as it can be true that an emotionally/verbally abusive person can go further than before once the abused partner decides to leave.
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I HATE when he lectures me. I speak up, and it's shot down. I can't talk without feeling stupid. At one point, H said "Do you REALLY think that? Because everybody else in the world..." Does he listen to himself while he talks?
What you're describing here is a pattern of abuse...and it's described in very similar terms in the Patricia Evans book...btw...if you are reading books on abuse, angry men, etc, please do stay away from Lundy Bancroft's book - "Why Does He Do That" - which I think is a dangerous, irresponsible book.
When my STBX was verbally attacking me one night, she told me that I was the only person that had a problem with the kind of sexually flirtatious friendships she had with men - and that "normal people" (i.e. not me) did it all the time...She also told me that her friends could not believe that I would ever wonder if she would have an affair since, according to her, they all "knew she wasn't that kind of person." Only problem with that...was that she had had an affair...so she was that kind of person - but since her actions no longer fit into her reality, she had to concoct a different reality in which she could see me as the one at fault...
It's what abusers do - they gaslight, they twist reality, they make you susceptible to their points-of-view, and they take advantage of the goodness in you...It's very important to stop listening to what he says...or at least stop letting any of it influence how you think about yourself and what you need to do. From my experience, a lot of that need to control seems to be driven by fear - which is why, when the abused partner leaves, that fear can escalate into furious, sometimes frightening anger...
Please be careful...which books are you reading, btw?
I feel so drained today, I think it's because I didn't sleep well the last couple nights. That, and filling my mom in last night on how things went on Thursday.
I was so tense around H, that probably adds to it. He seemed a bit more relaxed yesterday while working on a home improvement project- I was glad he had something to distract his attention. Just before the b!tch fest directed at me on Sat (previously described), H found out that my cousin's wife (she's like a sister to me) dropped him from her FB friends. I didn't know she had done that, she never mentioned it. The silence from H after he told me was deafening in itself, and I was waiting for the b!tch-out to start. Mindreading on my part, but based on past experience, I was afraid he was going to lay into me for talking to her and for her resulting spite de-friending. He didn't say a word, he was just silent, but that's unnerving in itself when I'm sure he's probably seething about it. I didn't ask to confirm- I didn't want to give him the opening if he was. I found out from my mom later in the weekend that my cousin's wife dropped him on account of the "candid beach" pics that he took earlier this summer. She found them to be creepy and offensive, and dropped him. I don't know if he sent her a link to them or if it was because I told her about them, but she dropped him on account of of his own behavior. I want to tell him why, but I'm not sure if maybe I should just let it drop.
Tension doesn't go away at night- H is still j***king off in bed while I'm there. When I go to sleep, there's a pillow between us on the bed(has been for years) and I put another one over my head to drown out the sound and light coming from the TV because he's still watching. Last night, he's goes at it again, and I'm thinking- Don't move, don't look, don't give any indication of awareness, and don't feel guilty about it. I'm not sure that it would matter if he knew I knew what he was doing, but is it so damn important that he can't wait until I'm not around? Never mind- I know the answer to that one...
He can't let go of those kind of thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I am by knows mean a prude, and can give or receive a knock-down dirty innuendo, joke, banter, etc., when and where appropriate, but sometimes he still catches me off-guard. Example- I bought a cute pair of shorts this summer while shopping with D16. They are a looser fitting style, but they are NOT frumpy "Mom" shorts- I had D16's approval when I bought them. H grumbled about them, (he hates them because they're not molded to my butt) and I informed him of D16's approval. His reply- "she's not looking at you sexually". I was speechless when he said that.
Carlos- I haven't bought or checked out any books, I've been limiting myself to on-line research and reading so far. I don't want anything laying around that H might see, but I may get the one you recommended and keep it at my office. (And pay cash so he doesn't see the receipt!)
I just want to make it through until the appointment next week, see if that goes any better (I doubt it, but I'll give it one more chance), and I think I will give my IC a call and get something set up there also. I'm coming to peace again with the idea of moving out- I can't keep doing this. Someone put it as "getting away from his influence". I need some peace and calm. The organizing around the house this week is a big step in that direction in getting ready.
I have my appointment a week from thursday with the IC.
I'm open to suggestions about the last point. I'm not sure what to do about letting H know about my cousin's motives for dropping him- Should I tell H what I know or leave it alone as his issue?
I'll put in a plug here for getting the books at the library...I've been searching their web catalog first, requesting them to be sent to my nearby branch if they are not already there, then picking them up on the way home from work or while out running errands. If I find one to be especially helpful, then I go ahead and get a copy. Library records are confidential.
He also has complete access to my laptop. He's an IT guy and has all the computers in the house networked together and he can remote control all of them. I don't know if I change the master password on my laptop, if he would be notified or if he wouldn't notice until he went to do an update or whatever. I need a few hours with him out of the house so I can make copies of files on the network drive before he decides he needs to lock me out. I'm considering calling off one day soon to do just that, he's almost always home when I am.
on a computer outside of the house (work, library, parents) set up a gmail or yahoo account... and then NEVER access it from your home computer
using your regular email, send to the new email account the documents you need copies of...
make sure you delete those emails from the account you sent them from (go into the 'sent' or 'outbox' folder & delete from there) this is really a mute point once you are out of the house.. him knowing you have copies of the financial papers is really a given... I think you're just making sure you're not leaving a trail he could find BEFORE you leave.
the other option is to put the files on a thumb drive... I wouldn't copy them onto a CD as the programs that do the copying may leave a trail within the copy program.
dont' forget making paper copies even easier & not tracable.
however, either way.. make sure after you open the files you want to make copies of (either digitally or in print) that you either clear the 'recent documents' history or you open up 50 more documents such as pictures, word documents, spreadsheets, what ever.. that are 'innocent'...to mask what had been opened up.
there are several places a history of 'recent documents' are kept... make sure you are clearing them all.
Also clear the cache.. and don't forget the history on the web browswer.
As far as him getting access to the books you are checking out.. maybe ask a friend to check them out for you... or buy them as audio books and download them to an mp3 player (again using a work computer, friend or parents)
be vigilant.. and careful Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
