Now this "paralysis by analysis" thing @gucci whipped out is clever, but may be simply an example of a different kind of avoidance behavior. "Just because it feels right doesn't mean it's the right thing to do" - how many times does one encounter that bit of DB wisdom? So who's to say that it only operates in one direction? Isn't it equally possible that just because reconciling "feels" right - huzzah my marriage is saved - that in the grand scheme of things it isn't right? How often does one see a "sad to be back" thread?
I've been thinking a lot about this...but when it comes down to it, DB is consistent in that it encourages one to be mindful of consequences and not motivated by "feelings" which are fleeting. The encouragement to reconcile is based very strongly on evidence that it can be the optimal outcome for many families. I don't see MWD promoting the idea that reconciling will "feel" right...I see her stating that it can be deemed right for very objective and unemotional reasons. She is practical and encourages a degree of detachment and practicality that few can truly master (it is barely human in some of these sitches). As a matter of fact, she is adamant that one does not jump into reconciling based on feelings but on evidence...
Totally consistent to me. We all have so many facets of our lives, identities and children's entire upbringings impacted by the outcomes of our marriages, the weight of that is heavy and unavoidable. One would have to be in a fog to ignore it (WAS)...We can't not know what we know as LBS, we can know it and make decisions that lead us to fulfillment and peace regardless of having the information.
I don't know if I'm making sense but, I for one, never started out DBing romanticizing my M; I saw it for what it was but wanted a better outcome.
Even now, as I can honestly say I am happier than I was before, I'm sure I will look back on this as the hardest time in my life and when I see a photo of myself, I see the pain underneath...my "happier"-ness is based on my conscious awareness of where I've been and how I feel now. Objectively, who the hell knows when we are actually happier??? I mean really. We all practice the art of revisionism...
There is only now and assessing what our options are and what our next moves will be.
