Keep Your Hands Offa My Mojo

[pollyanna]

Time is definitly the answer. Great article above and so true.

Advice I also found helpful ( although not all together PC ) was

"To get over one man , you get under another"

I was not able to do that for the longest time, but when I did , i realised i had value and that was a mighty powerful stimulant for a LBS.

"I doth protested a lot less"

[SmileysPerson]

Polly LOL I was going to write the same thing -- the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Hee-hee!

So I've had two evening engagements with WAW since my return from the Great White North. Both kid-and-school-related, of a couple hours' duration each, with follow-up "how's it going/how ya doin'?" chat afterwards.

It's sort of sad, really. She just can't stop being WAW Herself. Today, for example, we were discussing the canine care arrangements for my forthcoming trip this week to Big Midwestern City (yee-haw!). I mentioned that I'd taken the kids to Coastal State U to get a present for BMCFriends' daughter.

"Oh, speaking of BMCFriends, I've got an email from She-BMCFriend in my in-box." Expectant look.

Well? Whaddaryalookinatmefer? I'm not in charge of her emailing habits.

"It's just weird. You don't email someone and be all full of this pretend concern after you've talked smack about them. Bullsh*t. Don't go around pretending to like someone when all you did before was talk a bunch of sh*t about them." Tosses her head in that WAW'ly "and-I-just-laid-down-some-LAW-Jack!" way she has.

So. Interesting.

"What? What's interesting."

Then all this pretending you like me, pretending you're concerned about me stuff -- that's bullsh*t because you talked so much smack about me.

"That's different. This conversation is over."

[hoosiermama]

I'm liking this rather radical treatment modality. Can you cite any empirical research findings about the effectiveness of "getting under someone else?" Or shall we begin a study ourselves here?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm game!

[SmileysPerson]

I actually ran it through Google Scholar LOL. It seems to be more by way of received societal wisdom than demonstrably true.

I think your idea of starting to build some empirical research findings is well-founded indeed.

[aliveandkicking]

Now this "paralysis by analysis" thing @gucci whipped out is clever, but may be simply an example of a different kind of avoidance behavior. "Just because it feels right doesn't mean it's the right thing to do" - how many times does one encounter that bit of DB wisdom? So who's to say that it only operates in one direction? Isn't it equally possible that just because reconciling "feels" right - huzzah my marriage is saved - that in the grand scheme of things it isn't right? How often does one see a "sad to be back" thread?

I've been thinking a lot about this...but when it comes down to it, DB is consistent in that it encourages one to be mindful of consequences and not motivated by "feelings" which are fleeting. The encouragement to reconcile is based very strongly on evidence that it can be the optimal outcome for many families. I don't see MWD promoting the idea that reconciling will "feel" right...I see her stating that it can be deemed right for very objective and unemotional reasons. She is practical and encourages a degree of detachment and practicality that few can truly master (it is barely human in some of these sitches). As a matter of fact, she is adamant that one does not jump into reconciling based on feelings but on evidence...

Totally consistent to me. We all have so many facets of our lives, identities and children's entire upbringings impacted by the outcomes of our marriages, the weight of that is heavy and unavoidable. One would have to be in a fog to ignore it (WAS)...We can't not know what we know as LBS, we can know it and make decisions that lead us to fulfillment and peace regardless of having the information.

I don't know if I'm making sense but, I for one, never started out DBing romanticizing my M; I saw it for what it was but wanted a better outcome.

Even now, as I can honestly say I am happier than I was before, I'm sure I will look back on this as the hardest time in my life and when I see a photo of myself, I see the pain underneath...my "happier"-ness is based on my conscious awareness of where I've been and how I feel now. Objectively, who the hell knows when we are actually happier??? I mean really. We all practice the art of revisionism...

There is only now and assessing what our options are and what our next moves will be.

My 2 cents...

[hoosiermama]

I thought y'all might agree! Research is a wonderful thing.

[JayMan]

I know that my life is rich and full - I have amazing friends that I didn't have before, my kids love me deeply and fully. We share time that I honestly had no way of even conceptualizing before. I have grown ever closer to my extended family, and God has blessed me financially. I have made real, personal changes - and my family and friends have noticed it, and pointed it out. But you can fool friends and family - what really matters is that my kids see and feel it. W talks very badly about me, and they just fall more in love with me!

I wallowed for awhile, but I choose to just embrace life. What I've realized is that by living in the past, and not cutting things loose, you submit yourself to another person's control.

If I'm going to be someone's spouse, I'm going to be their equal partner, not be dragged under their feet. As hard as I've worked in DBing, my W would have to undergo some serious counseling, and receive medication before I'd consider being with her again.

At this point, it's about doing the right thing, and having a clear conscience.

[RedSoxFan]

Even now, as I can honestly say I am happier than I was before,

I think a lot of this is hard to assess. I know that for my money I'll look back on this time and know that I did everything I could to make things right. Regardless of the outcome I'll have peace of mind. That beats looking back on D with regret and doubt, wondering if I did everything I could have.

[RedSoxFan]

I know that my life is rich and full - I have amazing friends that I didn't have before, my kids love me deeply and fully. We share time that I honestly had no way of even conceptualizing before. I have grown ever closer to my extended family, and God has blessed me financially. I have made real, personal changes - and my family and friends have noticed it, and pointed it out. But you can fool friends and family - what really matters is that my kids see and feel it. W talks very badly about me, and they just fall more in love with me!

I wallowed for awhile, but I choose to just embrace life. What I've realized is that by living in the past, and not cutting things loose, you submit yourself to another person's control.

If I'm going to be someone's spouse, I'm going to be their equal partner, not be dragged under their feet. As hard as I've worked in DBing, my W would have to undergo some serious counseling, and receive medication before I'd consider being with her again.

At this point, it's about doing the right thing, and having a clear conscience.

Reading that just made my night!