I feel so drained today, I think it's because I didn't sleep well the last couple nights. That, and filling my mom in last night on how things went on Thursday.
I was so tense around H, that probably adds to it. He seemed a bit more relaxed yesterday while working on a home improvement project- I was glad he had something to distract his attention. Just before the b!tch fest directed at me on Sat (previously described), H found out that my cousin's wife (she's like a sister to me) dropped him from her FB friends. I didn't know she had done that, she never mentioned it. The silence from H after he told me was deafening in itself, and I was waiting for the b!tch-out to start. Mindreading on my part, but based on past experience, I was afraid he was going to lay into me for talking to her and for her resulting spite de-friending. He didn't say a word, he was just silent, but that's unnerving in itself when I'm sure he's probably seething about it. I didn't ask to confirm- I didn't want to give him the opening if he was. I found out from my mom later in the weekend that my cousin's wife dropped him on account of the "candid beach" pics that he took earlier this summer. She found them to be creepy and offensive, and dropped him. I don't know if he sent her a link to them or if it was because I told her about them, but she dropped him on account of of his own behavior. I want to tell him why, but I'm not sure if maybe I should just let it drop.
Tension doesn't go away at night- H is still j***king off in bed while I'm there. When I go to sleep, there's a pillow between us on the bed(has been for years) and I put another one over my head to drown out the sound and light coming from the TV because he's still watching. Last night, he's goes at it again, and I'm thinking- Don't move, don't look, don't give any indication of awareness, and don't feel guilty about it. I'm not sure that it would matter if he knew I knew what he was doing, but is it so damn important that he can't wait until I'm not around? Never mind- I know the answer to that one...
He can't let go of those kind of thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I am by knows mean a prude, and can give or receive a knock-down dirty innuendo, joke, banter, etc., when and where appropriate, but sometimes he still catches me off-guard. Example- I bought a cute pair of shorts this summer while shopping with D16. They are a looser fitting style, but they are NOT frumpy "Mom" shorts- I had D16's approval when I bought them. H grumbled about them, (he hates them because they're not molded to my butt) and I informed him of D16's approval. His reply- "she's not looking at you sexually". I was speechless when he said that.
Carlos- I haven't bought or checked out any books, I've been limiting myself to on-line research and reading so far. I don't want anything laying around that H might see, but I may get the one you recommended and keep it at my office. (And pay cash so he doesn't see the receipt!)
I just want to make it through until the appointment next week, see if that goes any better (I doubt it, but I'll give it one more chance), and I think I will give my IC a call and get something set up there also. I'm coming to peace again with the idea of moving out- I can't keep doing this. Someone put it as "getting away from his influence". I need some peace and calm. The organizing around the house this week is a big step in that direction in getting ready.
