I think as you move forward with the divorce, you must try and put emotions aside as much as you can. Treat the divorce as a business deal and do all you can to get what you deserve. If you have a divorce mediator in your country, they could help to work with your STBXH and yourself to reach a fair settlement that both of you will feel good about. My gut feeling is that working just with your H to get the divorce finalized is going to keep bringing up the painful past and his current "pity me" attitude.
