So, what can you do for yourself today that would be fun? You won't feel like having fun, and you will probably have to make yourself do it. She's not meeting your needs right now, and won't for a while, so you have to do that.
Find something you enjoy but haven't done in a while. Then go do it.
What has triggered your feelings? If you can identify the trigger, you can deal with it.
I've been feeling pretty shut of lately. Since the night she packed her stuff and the following day when she took our S house shopping. (ugh!)
Since then, we have been a little closer believe it or not. She slept with me for two nights. Even after I saw she's still looking at houses she made a point to hug me and tell me that she really feels that it will be temporaty to give her the space she needs. She even told me that I have done more than she could have hoped for and she loves me.
I thought she was getting more comfortable with me. The out of the blue trip and crazy distance when she got back was just weird though. I was fine until she got home. Within a few hours she excluded me from dinner (made just enough for her and S7), told me she never comes in our room any more so she doesn't get my laundry (I am welcome to throw mine in with hers) and I just felt ignored or ostracized in my own house. Listening to the neighbor talk about my W smoking and getting drunk with her was a bit to process too. I just still can't see this as "her."
I'll have to think about something I can do for myself. I may sign up for a 5k run taking place next month.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I thought she was getting more comfortable with me. The out of the blue trip and crazy distance when she got back was just weird though. I was fine until she got home. Within a few hours she excluded me from dinner (made just enough for her and S7), told me she never comes in our room any more so she doesn't get my laundry (I am welcome to throw mine in with hers) and I just felt ignored or ostracized in my own house. Listening to the neighbor talk about my W smoking and getting drunk with her was a bit to process too. I just still can't see this as "her."
First, the person you think is your W is NOT. So, she is not HER.
Also, I have been told the same things about the laundry, dinner, etc. Just let it slide off - I know, easier said than done.
OK, the whipsaw of her being in a good mood when she was away then a bad mood once she got home. I had this happen to me on one of my trips out of town, but from your persepctive. The first time I went out of town without my W, I felt a complete release of all pressure - b/c I wasn't around her. On the way back from the trip, I could feel my anxiety building the closer I got home. My brother told me this was something he experienced in his sitch (his W had an A) and was not surprised when I did too.
Your W may have had a similar experience. Just understand she is under a lot of stress and pressure just like you. She may have been in a bad mood b/c of the situation, not b/c of YOU. And, it is also the down cyle of the roller coaster.
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I'll have to think about something I can do for myself. I may sign up for a 5k run taking place next month.
That's a start. It can be something as simple as trying a restaurant you have been wanting to try for lunch but haven't had the time. The point is to make yourself happy, even if only for a little while.
I also think you need to focus more on detaching. It takes a while to get there, and you will have up and downs until you do. Just keep at it and keep the focus on YOU.
First, the person you think is your W is NOT. So, she is not HER.
Can you elaborate? The person that I think she is not really who she is or the person she is right now is not really who she is? (kind of confusing)
I have been worried lately...what if this is the REAL her? That's what she keeps saying. She has been telling me that she's been an uncaring, outgoing, wild party girl all along, but has just hidden it (for over 12 years).
I know what you mean about the reading for pleasure. All I have right now are basically "self-help" books. The Bible too. I have been reading a lot more of that than I ever had before.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Can you elaborate? The person that I think she is not really who she is or the person she is right now is not really who she is? (kind of confusing)
My point was who she is behaving like now is not who she is. I don't buy this:
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She has been telling me that she's been an uncaring, outgoing, wild party girl all along, but has just hidden it (for over 12 years).
If you had a certain personality type, do you think (a) you could pretend to be something other than that for 12 years and (b) pretend so effectively that you fool the one person on earth who should know you better than anyone else for 12 years?
Now, that said, I do believe now SHE THINKS she has always been the "party girl." But I suspect this is something she will come out of at some point. It just sounds too much like script and the fog working here.
And, in the end, you can't control what she thinks or does, so it's not your job to figure it out or convince her of anything (which, BTW, won't work).
Just keep focusing on you, changing, and work on detaching. The rest will come, but not until you take care of you.
