Tristan--just started reading your thread and i found this. this has happened over and over again with us. she'll say to me, you don't let me go out with your friends, you get so angry and controlling about it. i say, i'm angry cause you didn't call to say you'd be late. . . and we had plans for afterwards.
just wanted to throw that in there. i've read in a couple places bipolar people feel like their partners are controlling because they themselves are inconsistent, and it exacerbates the situation. my response to her depressive episodes has been to tighten up, try to make more rules. . . it's really backfired.
Yes. She has called me a "control freak". I used to very bad at this and am still trying to improve. But yes, I think being married to someone with bipolar tendencies really tests the limits on this.
Tristan you aren't a control freak, so don't worry about the label. If you were really in control of everything, your wife would be at home and you would have the greatest relationship you could possibly have with her - currently she's not at home, I would say that settles any arguments about the control issue.
Time off is good, enjoy it.
What you felt at that party is a woman flirting with you. You said it felt weird and although there was no overt verbal communication that said to you this woman is interested in you, the body language sang a different tune entirely. You felt it, you said it yourself, it felt uncomfortable, the woman's husband noticed it too, that's why he wouldn't leave her side after he observed this, I would encourage you to go out more and spend some time making observations like this - body language is so important. How was your mood at the party, were you sad, blank or withdrawn or did you appear happy, funny, engaging,etc. I'm assuming the latter, you exhibited qualities and body language that was attractive and a woman responded accordingly. It really is a science, flick these switches and receive these responses.
And guess what? You maintained control while you knew what was happening and you didn't have an affair & get laid and all that other stuff that accompanies having an affair.
I'm sure you could exhibit this kind of control if you started dating.
Your wife is living in an apartment and although she may have mentioned that she won't date, truth be told, I don't believe she is going to stop seeing the OM. I would consider this dating. However I think she doesn't want you to date, she likes having you as a the safe 2nd backup option as i've mentioned several times already - just in case things don't work out.
I've read you mention her mental condition, the medications she's on, her erratic feelings & behaviors,etc. Her condition doesn't make her an invalid. She is fully conscious of the choices she's making and the feelings she is acting on, and she feels guilty for some of her actions, you witness it everytime she cries in front of you, etc. She knows she should be at home with her husband, she knows she shouldn't be doing these things to her family and yet she still does it, although she has these feelings and she knows what would be the right thing to do, right now it's all background noise and she is choosing to filter it out so that she can follow her hormones and the excitement of the affair. I'll be honest, I'm tired of hearing that her mental condition is causing all of this: depression, MLC, bipolar, those things are all affecting her moods and her feelings and her emotions but in the end she still chooses to consciously act the way she does and block out what she knows to be true in her head - it's her "get of our jail, pass go and collect $200" card, she know the difference between up & down, right & left, good & bad and still chooses to do what she wants to do to pursue the excitement in her life which has been missing for quite some time. If she really wasn't in control of her actions, would you really trust her with your children? Wouldn't you be worried that she ignore right & wrong right now and do something harmful with the children and then she could blame it on her mental condition. Why is it only with you that she gets the free pass with her questionable actions? Because you enabled her to do so.
You haven't been a source of excitement in her life for quite some time, you have been a stable provider, a good partner and a good father and those are all excellent things but they aren't exciting and it's the one piece of the puzzle she hasn't had in such a long time.
You want to add some excitement to her life and your own, start dating. Watch what happens when she finds out that she is in jeopardy of losing you to another woman, watch as she will try to get back what she gave up, it will happen.
As far as the communications thus far, continue to keep them brief, do you see how it affects you, after a while when the dynamic in your relationship changes, she will be the one questioning why you aren't communicating as much.
As much as our situations are different, they are very similar.
BTW - My wife was also on celexa (which after reading all the horror stories on the net with it's side effects, I wonder why it was ever approved), my wife also has bi-polar tendencies, depression, moods flipping back & forth between anger, sadness, happiness (wash, rinse & repeat) and she also had friends which encouraged her to pursue the single life which was exciting. The problem is after a while those friends faded away (they ultimately found other people to influence, got into their own relationships or got bored with the friends they had) and after a while I smartened up, I was labeled a control freak originally but in the end after alot of heavy duty analysis on my part, the real control freak was my wife, not me. After I put my foot down, said enough was enough, wouldn't put up with her ways, I started dating, seeing other women, enjoying life, going to the gym, looking better, feeling better, shopping, taking care of myself, spending time with friends, getting a life and really enjoying life and realizing that I had been holding back a part of my life which should have always been a priority, things changed. My wife changed, and she was the one who started pursuing me.
Our situations aren't that different Tristan, when people say the situations are different, it's just excuses we're using to make our own lives a little better and easier to digest.
Nothing much in this world is new anymore, we may all be different people but we're all going through the same experiences with a few twists here & there: your situation isn't new and neither is mine or anyone else's on this forum regardless of the much heralded excuse "But my spouse is different..."
