Glad you’re having a good time. It only got to 70 here today. Last night starting at about 2 in the morning we had a freak thunderstorm. Not really any rain here, but my sister said she had some. There was lightning and thunder at 2 am, then again at 3 and then about 4. I didn’t get to sleep until after 5. (Our dog)Nellie was really freaked out. Son was awake when it first hit, but then I gave him some cold medicine and he slept through the other times.
Your Mom ended up going to Eureka. I haven’t talked to (Youngest D) yet but she was probably freaked last night because of the storm. According to Mother, you didn’t tell your Mom about your trip. Is that true?
Well, continue enjoying yourself, but watch those hangovers.
Wife my Reply It's 91 right now. I told my mom but you know how mothers are. I was going to call her AND your mom when I got to Tacoma..
later Me Any comments?
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Another night of drinking beer…Seems that is all they do up here. Went to my buddy’s friend’s house for another party. When we got back last night I was thinking... Why did I book a week up here I am ready do go home…but before bed I started reading “the book” again and now kind of look forward to getting to my hotel room and having some quiet time reading. I Don’t remember if I mentioned it before but a rock broke my window on the way up. I bought a kit to repair it so I will be doing that before I get home.
I read these for fun but sometimes……………..
Look at my horoscope for today
It's a day of complicated relationship issues as you try to untangle your feelings from the pile. You know that you must set new boundaries, but you don't want to close yourself off from the potential that others bring at this time. Although you might not be overly effusive today, don't be afraid of telling others how you feel. You may be pleasantly surprised by what happens next.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I told him a little about what is going on and he does not understand how I can live like that.I Did not tell him about the affair BUT... he did ask if she was cheating on me...I did not answer the questions and just said some things happened and I really don't want to talk about it. ... It felt good talking to someone but I was still holding stuff back. I know you all lived though this stuff but I know if I told him about the affair he would say dump her and get out.
Doc, Don't sweat it - you did good. You're not asking your friend for advice - you have that in spades already, right? You're asking for friendship and support in whatever path YOU choose.
Most people don't get DB'ing. (If more people DID get it, there might be a lot fewer divorces, eh?) We all hear the advice to cut our losses and move on, sometimes many times! In a lot of ways, that's the easy road - but remember, you are taking the more challenging road of DB'ing for yourself first and foremost. You'll come out of this a stronger and better person. Stay the course.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Well I spent the first night alone last night. It was good…little side story. I don’t know what it is about me. Sometimes I feel like I have a sign over my head that says. “Hey I’m friendly come and talk to me”…It happens all of the time. People with problems come up to me all of the time. Today I was out in front of my room and this guy starts walking towards me. He looked like a transient…now the hotel I am staying at is not the best. It’s not that bad but for example behind me is abandoned. Anyway this guy walks up to me and asks how am I doing, I said fine how about yourself? He said he had a problem. I asked what... He told me he had Neuropathy and he needed to use his inhaler but he had no use of his right arm. He asked me if I would be kind enough to get his inhaler out of his top pocket and give him two squirts. Well I reached into his top pocked (on his vest) and first pulled out a bottle of pills. He said Oh ya I need to take those also and I put the pills back and then got his inhaler. He showed me how to use it and then I gave him two squirts and put it back. He then said “now if I can figure out how to get the top off of the pill bottle” I told him I would open it for him and I did and put the pills in his hand. Then thanked me and then said: Now I need to try to shave. I said Well I need to go see ya later….
So it is a little over cast today. I started reading again and am getting hooked on this book. I want to go out in a little bit and see if I can find something to bring back for my son but plan on devoting most of today with this book... I am on Chapter 4 “Intimacy is not for the faint of heart….. Called home last night but had very little conversation with wife. I did talk to my son... Got ta go be back soon
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Ok Please bear with me. With Machinery I can learn things faster than a frog can jump out of a hot pot of water. BUT behavior wise it takes a bit more effort and I find that if I write it helps. So I have done allot of reading today and what I have found out is that I have (and what more of you have probably already came to the conclusion of) “other validated intimacy” Being emotionally fused with my Wife I feel I need acceptance, empathy and validation from her. This is me whining “she tells others what a nice job I do why she can’t tell me?” It’s a case of my need to get in-direct self acceptance by appeasing my wife. The book uses the example of the phrase” was it good for you; dear” as really meaning “tell me that I am good”. I need to become more Self Validating. I need to learn to support myself. Being “other dependent” my wife controls me; I am dependent on her for my self worth. We have come to an emotional grid lock. I have 4 choices... 1. Push my wife to violate herself by accommodating me 2. Turn myself over to my wife by accommodating her 3. Separate emotionally and physically or 4. Confront myself live how I want to live. I need to make a stand. If I don’t make a stand, then deep down even if I don’t say it out loud then I feel I deserve exactly what I am getting. I need to tell my wife when I get back that I am no longer willing to accept the way we are living. I will no longer push my wife to work on our marriage. But I need to make it clear that she should not assume I am accepting things the way they are just because I will stop nagging her anymore. But I am tired of being grateful just because my wife talks to me. And I don’t want her to feel pressured by a bitching husband. I need to let her know I will interpret what she does from here on as an indication of her decision about how she wants to live and I will need to make my decisions about my life accordingly. I am dissatisfied with the marital part of my life and need to let her know about the possibility of me ending our relationship. It’s NOT an ultimatum I will be telling her what I am going to do...I have will have no idea what she will do. But I want to make my priorities and desires clear to her. I am no longer going to refrain from hugging her or kissing her because of how I may think she feels. I will do it taking my own feeling first. What I want to do. If she does not like it she needs to say so and let HER feelings be known.
I guess it kind of all wraps up into DETACHING but letting her know I am detaching Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I think you have already said this to her in many different ways. It's kind of like when you have told your child many times NOT to do something or what you want him to do....and then you decide enough is enough and you finally give him the consequence. No need for another talk, just do what you have to do....start becoming your own person...an attractive, confident, fun, passionate, sexy man that doesn't depend on someone else to be that man. You have had sooo many little talks with her ....didn't you just tell her that "enough was enough"?
The talk is for me to me. I need to confront myself. No reading today.... going to see Mt Rainier and then maybe hang out with my buddy when he gets off work. I tell you... here in Washington you can only buy liqure in "goverment stores" and there are not very many of them. I think that is why everyone drinks beer... you can buy that anywhere. I felt like an alcoholic looking for a fix yesterday... I finely found one and bought a bottle of JD.... Take care everyone the weather looks better today here, I am off to look at an "active" volcano with snow on it... Later Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Had a great time today exploring Mt Rainier. I saw some beautiful waterfalls...Bought souvenirs for the family. My MIL called me, she was worried because she had not heard from me. (I called her Sunday) My buddy asked if W had called me yet. I told him no. I did call my son last night but did not talk to W. He can’t believe she has not called. Later he half heartedly tried to set me up with his friend. Mostly joking with her…. Well need to get some sleep. It’s funny deep down inside even though I did not admit it. I picked where I am staying because it’s only 20 mins away from where the OM lives and works. But now that I am here I am not compelled to visit him. Revenge was burning in me for so long. Now…it’s not worth my time…he’s not worth my time. I almost did cut my “vacation” short last night feeling a little home sick but then I thought about it and I NEED to break that damn umbilical cord so instead I am staying the extra day at my buddy’s house. I have met so many real friends up here. I have been offered jobs. Places to stay…If it were not for my son and my Mom and MIL needing me I’d stay…. Well got ta go... Billy squire is playing at the auditorium next to my hotel Friday night... maybe we could hook up and party after his concert…
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Hi Doc, You do sound like you are 'getting it' - that is so great to hear! (And I am glad you decided to stay for that extra day!)
Let me make a suggestion. For a very, very long time, you have acted, and presented yourself to W, in the mode of dependent/ needing her for validation. That's what she has seen, that's what she expects to see, and that's what she will continue to see until you are consistently behaving differently.
TELLING her you are going to be changing is not valuable - in fact, it is probably worse because (intended or not) it causes her to raise her defenses. ("What is Doc up to now, and how is it going to really be about more demands upon me?") Don't TELL her, SHOW her by just going ahead and making those changes in yourself - become the detached, confident, happy person you want to be.
But here is the key: Do it entirely for yourself, not for the sake of the relationship. The whole point of differentiation, as I see it, is to reach the place where you are standing on your own two feet (to use the author's words) - and then THAT can result in you being more attractive and bringing new energy and confidence to your relationship. Focus on you first and foremost. Let the rest follow.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
