My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

Stuck, I agree with you in theory but here he is, wanting her back. It is what it is. I'm the last person that should be empathizing but I do because we are all human and fallible (in that vein, she did cheat before)...I understand her very well but I think he still needs to operate from a very practical standpoint when it comes to finances and kid issues.

My sitch hasn't been updated much...not much to report but I'll post something soon.

A&K & Stronger,

Hope you don't mind if I chime in...LOL Seriously, thanks to both of you chiming in and caring. You two have been a big part of what's kept me sane through this.

It doesn't seem like there's much point to our rehashing whats happened, etc. I really get all that. And Stronger, It is big of me to forgive myself, and I forgave W a long time ago. What I'm struggling with is a path forward.

I love W. More than you can imagine. I'm also trying to love and respect myself. I want to be able to look back on this from my rocking chair and respect myself for the way I handled it.

Maybe because the two of you are well into a commitment of staying married and waiting this out, you've come to a more comfortable place. I'm not there yet.

At some point W has to come out of this low place that she's in. I know her pretty well and I don't think it's going to take too too long. Maybe a few months tops. Once SHE"S cleared headed I don't believe she would be OK with herself dating OM and seeing me at the same time. I think she would end our M or OM. That's just the kind of person she is.

I'm late...gotta run for now.

[Stronger]

"Stop coming up with situations that don't impact you."

How can situations you are imagining in your head and have no proof that it's really going on impact you?

Does Santa Claus impact you? How about the Easter Bunny?

Nope. Not real. Can't impact you.

Underdstand? You're doing more damage than good. If you're going to visualize and imagine, visualize and imagine she's dumping him.

[RedSoxFan]

So now do I just sit back and watch and wait?

Go back to your list of options...what can you do?

As I see it I basically have 3 options:

1) Actively engage with W in pursuit of agreement to reconcile.
2) Minimize engagement, focus on me, allow things to play out.
3) Disengage with W, go after divorce full force.

So I'm sure this is no surprise to those of you who have been at this for a while.

There is a battle going on in my head between options 1 and 3. One and 3 are about control. I won't bore you all with my childhood but suffice it to say that I necessarily grew up using tools of control for survival. Option #2 then, while I know inherently is where I want to go, is very difficult for me to accept and pursue. I simply don't have the tools and experience to do this very well.

Had a good conversation today with PC about this topic. I apologize for dragging all of you through my internal battle. This is really something that I need to go off and resolve on my own.

[aliveandkicking]

You forgot the option of backing off and giving her time and space while still being amicable and friendly in addition to making a reasonable agreement as far as finances and logistics go.

[aliveandkicking]

I apologize for dragging all of you through my internal battle.

Hey you goofball, what do you think this board is for?

[Stronger]

I think that falls under option two and I think at this point is the best option. Normally, the most difficult option is the right one.

[aliveandkicking]

Yes, it could fall within #2 but it requires some action...difficult action regarding financial and logistical boundaries...

#2 without those boundaries is easier but leads to feeling humiliated and taken advantage of. How one defines "focusing" on oneself varies much and we all can get a little confused on that one when we are still invested in the outcome.

[RedSoxFan]

You forgot the option of backing off and giving her time and space while still being amicable and friendly in addition to making a reasonable agreement as far as finances and logistics go.

I thought that was #2

[RedSoxFan]

Yes, it could fall within #2 but it requires some action...difficult action regarding financial and logistical boundaries...

#2 without those boundaries is easier but leads to feeling humiliated and taken advantage of. How one defines "focusing" on oneself varies much and we all can get a little confused on that one when we are still invested in the outcome.

OK, this makes sense. It's funny cuz a few weeks back I felt really opened up emotionally. I really understood and felt what W was going through, the place I put her in, etc. I understood how she ended up with an OM...not necessarily this particular one mind you...and my love for her allowed me to accept that I should let her work through things on her own time. So for me, this was a HUGE shift (feeling stuff, dealing with emotion and giving up control). As the weeks have gone by I think I am shifting back to where I am comfortable, thus the difficulty staying committed. Option #2 is the way forward. I just need to get the right boundaries set up and get comfortable with things.

[Goodfight]

Red,

Thanks for responding to my post. But who feels better and that there is hope when letter writing? Me or H since he only writes to our D12.

If you get a chance can you hop over to my thread. Wish I knew how to attach it on my posts for others when I'm writing on their threads.

Thanks again