Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

It's been an interesting weekend.

The extended Thinker family seems to be on the brink of War.

The dynamic has been building for years between my parents and my wife, and is coming to a head.

My w's biggest offense seems to be having married me.

My mother is avoids conflict and will never admit that she is unhappy with anyone or anything, but she feels insult easily and holds grudges forever. To this day she has never admitted to me having ANY resentment about ANYTHING to do with my wife - even as recently as last night. She hides from conflict, and then looks for allies, and has been vocally badmouthing my w to other members of my family. I hear about it from them.

My dad protects his wife. He takes her complaints, magnifies them, and gets angry.

I am only finding the details of the "complaints" by asking direct questions to my Dad and other family members - my mom won't admit that anything is wrong.

The complaints against my W are petty, wrongly directed, based on incorrect facts, and mostly ancient history. They start with the first day they met her - when I (Age 26 and fully independent) chose to spend a vacation with the future Mrs. Thinker rather than with my parents and younger siblings. (Obviously her fault )

They continue through the seating arrangements at our wedding 10 years ago, missed thank you notes, and even to the fact that while I was debt free when we got married (Thanks to my parents having saved for college and a large ROTC scholarship), Mrs. Thinker had student loans from her masters degree (Yes, really really weird, I know))

Recent resentments include the fact that the kids were baptized in Mrs. Thinkers form of Christianity rather than mine (I helped make the decision), that her family got to be godparents more frequently (I helped choose the godparents) etc etc.

So the dynamic proceeded. They took everything that they didn't like as a personal insult and blamed it all on her. They held on tight to these resentments, but didn't say anything. It just came out in their attitudes, side comments, etc. I ignored it (shame on me) but Mrs. Thinker, who is very attuned emotionally, was hurt repeatedly. She was unhappy around them, and tried to avoid them...

...and then my parents began to resent her because they felt avoided.

A piece of the M issues we are now facing is that over time, Mrs. Thinker began associating me with my parents (apple never falls far from the tree). My way of coping with my parents has always just been to ignore them - to laugh them off. I guess I just always expected her to do the same, but Mrs. Thinker clearly saw my way of coping as me not supporting her and not standing up for her.

She has been really open about this over the past few days - at times I just had to put on my spew raincoat and listen (Thanks Coach). Even when I wanted to react to the vehemence and universality (completely, always, never) of her attacks, I agreed with what she was saying and understood her feelings. (Thanks Gucci)

I mentioned earlier that My parents were scheduled to come here and babysit for our kids while we go to Retrouvaille next weekend. Last week, as these old arguments started coming out, Mrs. Thinker vehemently refused to have them come here, and I agreed with her. I realize that having them here for that weekend is in effect inviting them into our M, and I want no part of that.

So yesterday, I called my parents, thanked them for generously agreeing to help for the weekend, but saying that I had to now ask them not to come. This weekend was something between me and my W, and that I realize that they do not like Mrs. Thinker right now and that having them in the house would be too uncomfortable for all of us. I have to focus first on my marriage and my wife right now. We made other arrangements for childcare for the weekend. I tried to be completely clear that this was MY DECISION.

The conversation was calm, and my Mom predictably said only "I'm not upset" and "I don't know why ANYONE would think that I don't like Mrs. Thinker..."

...but then she IMMEDIATELY got on the phone and called my siblings and started looking for allies - complaining to them about my w and saying "She is trying to keep me away from her children" "She doesn't approve of our family" etc.

A nightmare, but my marriage and my wife come first.

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4 days to Retrouvaille.