Red thanks for posting your first thread, I read it and it helped me out, I really appreciate it. I just don't know if I got involved with anyone at this point if he would care or it might push him away even further. I know that is what woke you up but I don't know how for him to hit rock bottom as you called it.
Well H finally sent a second letter back to our D! Here goes: Hi D, Just been thinking of you and wondering how school is going. I hope its going good. I miss you and Love You so much. Did you have a game yet? (By the way, in her last letter to him she told him about her first game which is Sat.)
I hope your being a good girl. Did you get a cell phone yet? Just wondering cause I no you said you always wanted one when your 13. (Now, think neighbor is telling him everything, the whole time, when he was claiming he hasn't heard from the H since he left. So he knows she has a cell.)
Just want you to know I moved. I had to. So my new address is blah blah blah. Its ok here. Just wanted you to no. If you have a cell # why dont you give me your # if you write me back. If you don't want to I understand.
Ok Just wanted 2 say hi and love you and miss you much,
Love Your Daddy
I have NO idea what the heck it is all about. Oh and the spelling that was exactly like I wrote it to you. I guess he is learning how to text quite frequently. But the spelling is from his learning disability. And remember I sent him that letter telling him weeks ago that the door is open if or when he would want to come home. It sounds like to me that he wants our D to feel sorry for him or something. And why couldn't he just put his cell number down for her. I have NO reason to call him, I swear he believes that I was the one calling him all of the time in the beginning instead it was him calling me.
Dont try to over analyze the letter. It is a letter between a father and his daughter.
His mind in some dark place right now which is a mixture of depression and MLC. Dont let any little thing like a letter to his daughter get you sidetracked from your main task which is...Focus on yourself and the kids.
I have NO idea what the heck it is all about. Oh and the spelling that was exactly like I wrote it to you. I guess he is learning how to text quite frequently. But the spelling is from his learning disability. And remember I sent him that letter telling him weeks ago that the door is open if or when he would want to come home. It sounds like to me that he wants our D to feel sorry for him or something. And why couldn't he just put his cell number down for her. I have NO reason to call him, I swear he believes that I was the one calling him all of the time in the beginning instead it was him calling me.
Let me know your thoughts.
Lost, Sometimes activity like letter writing makes us feel better...makes us feel like there is more hope. In actuality there is a ton of hope in your situation but the letters are just a small blip on the radar. When I first hit this site and started engaging in this community I hung on every word to find hope...I needed it. I looked at every one of W's actions for hope. The hardest thing for me to get my arms around was not that the DBing process can and does work, it was understanding that it is not a quick fix approach. Suffice it to say I don't have much patience
You have already gotten a bunch of good advice. Like the flight attendants say, put the oxygen mask on yourself first before your children. You are important...for you and for your children. Take care of you first. Next takle care of your children...sounds like you are. Be careful how much you let them get drawn down into the back and forth. Remind them that their father is not well right now, remind them that he loves them, and most importantly make sure they understand that none of this is their fault. H is on his own journey, you can do NOTHING to get him through it. He has to walk this road on his own. If anything, your engaging him will likely make it worse, push him further out, give him more ammo for the stories he might be weaving in his head. No matter how hard you try, you can't know what he's thinking. In all likelihood he doesn't either. Trust me.
You have plenty to do, starting with yourself and with your children. If you feel sorry for him, do it in your journal. If you need to yell at him, do it in your journal.
It's going to take time but we'll be here and you'll be in our thoughts and prayers
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
It's the depression talking. He's in the "oh woe is me" mode. The problem with people in depression is that THEY have the key to make themselves feel better. They just have to stop running and start confronting the issue head on.
They run but they have no idea what they want to run to.
Let it be just between your D and him. Don't enable him and solve his problems for him. You can gently remind him of certain facts that were covered before, but don't point them out.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
RedSoxFan hit it on the head when he said to journal instead of reaching out to him right now. With a journal you can yell at him, you can pour out your heart, you can talk to yourself, you can complain, all in the safety of him not knowing or hearing.
This is a long, long process. Nothing turns around quickly in these situations. That is the hardest thing to understand and accept. You can't even begin to imagine that you can stand it to last one more day, let alone months or years. But you will stand it.
You will do it by focusing on you and on your children. By growing and learning. By working through the pain. The only way through is through and unfortunately there are no shortcuts. But, DB is the surest path.
Don't focus on how long this will take right now. Just focus on today. Then focus on tomorrow. Then the next day and the next. Make a list of things to get done each day. Plan time for fun, even if you have to force your self at first.
You've done the right thing in telling your children that he isn't well right now. Now you need to be the strong parent for them, because you are all they have left. You can do this. I know you can.
I never imagined I could live a month without my H and our daily interactions that were so much a part of what made my days interesting and fun. I loved being his W. I was so scared of facing a life without that connection; how would I ever go on? How could he do this to us? To me? To my S?
Take this one day at a time. Fight the urge to put any contact and communication under the microscope to look for that one clue that will solve everything. They don't just "come to their senses." The only thing you can do is grow, so when H looks your way he sees a Lost that is no longer lost, but strong, confident, self-assured and attractive.
One day at a time.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thanks everyone once again. Well D wanted to write back and hope that he got the letter in time for her first game to cheer at, even though she put it in her last letter. I know that he got it in time but didn't show. I didn't let her know that though, I told her that maybe he didn't get it in time. First she was so angry and took it out on me and then she cried. My heart is breaking for my children.
So in the letter she wrote back she told him that her cell was broken, which it is and that she can only call out so she asked for his number, because I don't have the money to replace the phone. So I thought for a couple of days and went directly to the store and complained about the phone and they are going to replace it in a couple of days (none in stock), the kind she has.
She also mentioned in the letter that my S that he raised misses him and wishes he would call or write to him. God Bless Her, she thinks and worries about everyone.
The part I just don't get is why he can't just call my phone and ask for her, he had to do it before July when she got her phone (which he didn't know that she had one then). And when he called for the first time in months regarding my S's health insurance he blocked his number he can do that again if he really wanted to talk to her.
But that is another thing I don't get, why does he hate me sooo much? I didn't cheat, or do anything wrong to him and he hates me for his depression and has said numerous times during our separation that it was our marriage that caused his depression for the past 2 yrs. I don't get that at all either. He stops taking meds. (which I didn't know), and I get all of the blame.
Oh, by the way is this any kind of step? Not a baby step is it? Just wondering.......someone told me it was a big step because he seemed so much calmer and nicer in this letter without bashing me to our D. What do all of you think? I don't think so, but this person is not a Dbuster.
Thanks everyone once again. Well D wanted to write back and hope that he got the letter in time for her first game to cheer at, even though she put it in her last letter. I know that he got it in time but didn't show. I didn't let her know that though, I told her that maybe he didn't get it in time. First she was so angry and took it out on me and then she cried. My heart is breaking for my children.
So in the letter she wrote back she told him that her cell was broken, which it is and that she can only call out so she asked for his number, because I don't have the money to replace the phone. So I thought for a couple of days and went directly to the store and complained about the phone and they are going to replace it in a couple of days (none in stock), the kind she has.
She also mentioned in the letter that my S that he raised misses him and wishes he would call or write to him. God Bless Her, she thinks and worries about everyone.
The part I just don't get is why he can't just call my phone and ask for her, he had to do it before July when she got her phone (which he didn't know that she had one then). And when he called for the first time in months regarding my S's health insurance he blocked his number he can do that again if he really wanted to talk to her.
But that is another thing I don't get, why does he hate me sooo much? I didn't cheat, or do anything wrong to him and he hates me for his depression and has said numerous times during our separation that it was our marriage that caused his depression for the past 2 yrs. I don't get that at all either. He stops taking meds. (which I didn't know), and I get all of the blame.
L41,
Two things are jumping out at me here.
First, I worry that you're bringing/allowing the kids into this too much. Collaborating over letters or partnering with them on communication to H is probably not good. Especially if it feels anything like trying to influence him in any way. There is a fine line between protecting them from harm and bringing them into adult situation. Do not lie for H. Tell the kids the truth at a level of detail that is appropriate for them. Reassure them, be strong for them and for you.
Second, I say this from personal experience and compassion. Stop analyzing the details here. Right now you're tracking the movements of a chicken that's just had its head chopped and trying to predict where it's going. It just won't work and it will only bring you down if you keep doing it.
You're going to succeed here. You and your kids are going to be OK. I already know that because you're here and that speaks volumes about you AND the people here are amazing. Read the DR book and get started on the work. Listen to the advice you get here. Get started...even if you have to force yourself every step. It will click.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Red, I read the book and I have been GAL but with H in the dark there is nothing I could do as far as the book goes. Can't act as if there is nothing there. H doesn't contact at all or see the kids.
And I don't get how I'm bringing/allowing the kids into this too much. They love their father and want to see him. And I don't lie to the kids about H. Just tell them that he is sick right now and can't think right now how we think.
