I'm going to be blunt. It sounds like if you were young and healthy you would know what to do. You would've likely already done it. But because of your health problems, your approach has been ... muted?
You have to have health care coverage. That has become the guiding factor in how you handle this situation. By necessity. So while your husband gives you little attention, you feel like you can't take any drastic actions that might threaten the security of health care coverage?
Am I understanding right?
At some point in your marriage, was there passion? At some point, maybe before the marriage, was he interested in sex? It would help if you sketched in a little of the pre-marriage relationship. Did you have pre-marital sex? Was this satisfying? Did he desire you sexually during this period? I'm struggling to better understand his position.
There are many situations in which men lose sexual interest in their wives. You mentioned he has a strong relationship with his mother. I have to wonder if that is playing a role here. Is there some confusion in his mind about you and his mother? Have you played a mothering role to him? Is so, it wouldn't be surprising that his interest in sex--with YOU--disappeared. This probably isn't something he could ever articulate.
If he preferred watching football to making love to you on your wedding night ... well that speaks volumes. He has to understand your desires, and even if he has little desire, he must understand that YOU have desires. And that HE has a responsibility in helping you find satisfaction. If we was unwilling to do this from the very beginning of the marriage ... wow.
Okay, now I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, maybe, he is so paralyzed at the idea of physical contact--and the possibility that he may fail to perform adequately--that he avoids all physical contact. An emotional relationship without physical contact would then likely seem attractive. That is, an internet relationship would be safe. There is no fear of failing to perform adequately.
It sounds like while his sexual desire is low he still needs and wants to make an emotional connection. He feels this so strongly that he lies to you over and over. But sex with you would not fulfill this desire because ... why? Because of the fear of failure?
Or is it because of the shadow of his mother? Is your own persona powerful enough that you evoke memories of his mother? There are many possibilities here.
If your husband seems to love you, there are chances to work through this problem. But finding a method that will get him to talk about this problem will be a real problem. Have you read SEX STARVED MARRIAGE? If not, start there. It will help you to understand what's going on in the mind of the low-sex drive partner and to then find ways of opening up communication.
I hope this helps.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
