Hey K... You say "My friends were wondering if this is normal, divorcing and wanting to spend time with "us". Of course he was totally into the kids but he did mingle and talked to the Hs of my friends and me some. I was distant but polite. OK, any takes on how you explain that? You divorce your wife, have a GF and then what...? You play happy family again? This just aint normal. At least not in THIS country."... but.. he's not D you.. he has never said he wanted to, he ddnt even read the 'offer' you emailed him (I guess that was a D offer?) for the past month and you got him to agree to read it. I know you are pushing for D now, but he isnt ! And when he says she is nothing to him now, I believe him and anyway, at least he talks about her now and admits it, which he didnt do before!! If he is alone and lonely and sees you are serious about hte D and feels you can never forgive him, I wouldnt blame him for maybe caving in and seeing a bit of her.. but thats becuase he is weak and I am sure not becuase he loves or really wants her.
I was thinking.. how about getting him to go back to the MC, for some closure sessions, seeing as he wont talk to you? Maybe you can talk there now, with all the facts on the table???
Al xxxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali and K. i don't know if this is a female thing....there seems to be a recurring theme....."she is nothing to him now"....why is this important? Even if that is true, I do not get what that changes, unless K wants back in. I am not sure you can end a three year relationship and say that the other person is suddenly nothing. Again it boils down to the same question; in or out? It always does. If you are out K....truly out...then avoid him (other than the obvious times when the kids need to be transfered).... that will help you as well I think. If you are in...with conditions, or are not 100% sure, then you guys may need a sit down or a retreat like BBJ and Dan.
Hey John.. well, I once lived with a man for 3 years, we bought a house together, he wanted to marry me.. but he was 'nutsy' as Kalni says, and when I finally extricated myself.. wow, he was defiently nothing to me. Literally, I wouldnt have spat on him if he was on fire. I finally realised what the hell was I doing with him in the first place?? All that, for nothing, when my (now) bf was there all along. So I think you can get a pretty strong reaction, once that penny drops, especially when you thnk about what you could lose. My bf too now says he doesnt want to see Helen ever again, ok, that was only 8 months, but same theory I guess.
I think it would matter to me, for vindication, you know? So he didnt sail off into the sunset with her and was happy, whether I went back to him or not. Maybe thats unfair, but I would prefer to feel vindicated!!
Anyway, yes, the real question, is, are you in or are you out?? xxx
K - I've been reading along but like BBJ I really have no idea what to say.
I guess my only question to you is much the same as John's - Are you in or out? Are you feelings for him dead yet or are you still holding out some hope? If there is even a twinkle of life left in your heart for him, could you ever forgive him for the betrayal if he were truly remorsefull and willing to be open with you?
The picture I have in my head of your H is probably skewed by my own experiences with a depressed weak man, but you know him. You know his patterns. What is your head telling you? Is your heart able to reconcile what your head is saying? Those are two warring pieces aren't they?
Hope you still were able to enjoy the party even with him there.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
There is no In or OUT right now for me. I dont expect things to be logical although some things do get me worked up like his presence at the party (uninvited).
I am blindly following my inner voice. That's all I am doing. I am not naive, stupid or Mother Teresa. I will be doing what feels good for ME. Right now, feeling good means, have a clear picture of my future (as much as it is possible). If I sign next week I will be ok. If I dont sign next week or soon, it will NOT be because someone will be stalling me or playing games with me. K
Last edited by Kalni; 09/14/0902:01 PM. Reason: Spelling !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Guys...I hear what you are saying. I guess it is possible that a man leaves his wife of ten years and his two children for someone that means nothing to him (once he gets caught). My XW fell for a Mexican doorman.... Anyhow, in OR out.....once we get that out of the way we can concentrate on in And out.....ahhhhhh that was uncalled for....
Bullshit!!!! John, my stbxH was clearly CRAZY in love with her. Of course!!! He never denied that, I read her love letters for God's name!!!
He says she is nothing now. And yes, that can happen. Especially when you are already beyond the phase of lust and the "everythings is wonderful" period. BUT, that doesnt meant I want what is left of him back and that he wants to come back to me. Right?
My little voice is telling me to shut up and hold my breath because it will only be max 2 weeks before I sign...
All kidding aside....I was just wondering out loud what the pertinence of the "nothing to him now" issue. I got a sense of the vindication argument (happilly ever after). I realize that it does not mean that you want him back or he wants back.
I guess what I am trying to say is that even though you guys say that it is possible to have a 3 year relationship and come out saying he or she means nothing to me "now", it seems unlikely to me.
OW is not nothing... she is a dire affliction that caused your stupid STBX to destroy everything good in his life. Whether they're back together or not, she's huge.
I think as you move forward with the divorce, you must try and put emotions aside as much as you can. Treat the divorce as a business deal and do all you can to get what you deserve. If you have a divorce mediator in your country, they could help to work with your STBXH and yourself to reach a fair settlement that both of you will feel good about. My gut feeling is that working just with your H to get the divorce finalized is going to keep bringing up the painful past and his current "pity me" attitude.
