Yes that's it. My IC told me that the ONLY time she has seen WAWs decide to come back to their M was when the LBS completely detatched. Sandi said that when you drop the rope the WAW will see it in your eyes - it is something you can't fake and they will know it. So, GIMA, even though you don't think you are acting any different outwardly, she may sense it.
Last edited by tryingtilDorR; 09/14/0904:49 AM.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
I've had the same thing. You detach, they start to come back. It's hard not to pursue when they start to come back. As soon as "that look" has come back to your eye though...poof! They're gone again.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Is it working? Is she coming back? I've never been able to back off enough to have them approach. How do you do it when you do have the desire to pursue?
I'm really impressed that you have detached. Sounds like everyone else sees this as the only way to have her come back. Hopefully you will be open to her at that time too. Good job!
Not sure yet, but it sure seems like it. She's sending me invites to go do things with all of us as a family (bbq thing this saturday). She is initiating lots of conversation and seems to want to keep it going. She plans things for us as a family for the future (several months out).
Last night, a funny thing. We do a dinner club through our church. You sign up for it in 6 month cycles. We have done this dinner club the last year and a half. I was checking the calendar last night and saw we had the kickoff dinner for the dinner club this Sunday. I asked her if she had this on her calendar. She sdaid No, I did not sign us up for that this term. Then she quickly added "Because I knew we would be busy with S's football and baseball season in the fall." And I could hear in her voice her concern that I would get the wrong impression by her not signing us up for the dinner club. She sounded worried.
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How do you do it when you do have the desire to pursue?
That's the beauty of detachment. You WANT them to pursue you, but you don't NEED it. So, you can comfortably sit back and let them come to you on their timetable.
Well, another evening of the same old same old. Could be a LOT worse.
W and I talked tonight about a friend of her's who's 2nd H is having issues with his 1st W, who does sound like a pretty selfish person. Funny thing is, unlike in the past, I diidn't have any nervousness when W and I spoke about someone else's D issues. It just doesn't bother me anymore.
W worked on a cake for her 2nd cake client tonight while I watched football. We talked all the while, with me asking questions about her cake, frosting, etc. She put some of the icing she made on a fork and handed the fork to me. When I took it, our hands touched briefly. Nice. Fleeting, but nice.
W was happy and upbeat (just like me) tonight. We are able to have really nice discussions about just about anything. Well, R hasn't come up, but everything else is good.
I still feel like I'm making progress, or should I say WE seem to be making progress. I don't know how to describe it, but each night we seem to be inching a little closer to one another - it just shows in the way she talks to me.
Another interesting thing is she is quick to explain things I believe she perceives I could take the wrong way. For example, today, she had sent me several messages via IM and email from her PDA. They were hung up on the ISP's provider, so I never got them. When she realized they had not gone through, she was quick to send me an email through her PC letting me know about the problem. Then, when I got home tonight, she wanted to show me her PDA to prove the messages did not go through. I never once complained about not getting any messages, and I have been upbeat and happy.
I just notice things like this now, and they seem to be happening more often.
So happy for you. LIke I said, my H has been around a lot lately, and he has been hanging out with the whole family, including me. He and I are starting to have more open talks. I need to detach more like you do - and perhaps these things will happen more. But I am getting the feeling that although our spouses are scared, they are demonstrating with their actions that they want to be around us. They want to be together.
I'm so happy for you. And I'm so glad she' in the house still. She is showing an amazing amount of attention to you - you do seem to be moving closer.
W worked on a cake for her 2nd cake client tonight while I watched football. We talked all the while, with me asking questions about her cake, frosting, etc. She put some of the icing she made on a fork and handed the fork to me. When I took it, our hands touched briefly. Nice. Fleeting, but nice.
W was happy and upbeat (just like me) tonight. We are able to have really nice discussions about just about anything. Well, R hasn't come up, but everything else is good.
I still feel like I'm making progress, or should I say WE seem to be making progress. I don't know how to describe it, but each night we seem to be inching a little closer to one another - it just shows in the way she talks to me.
Another interesting thing is she is quick to explain things I believe she perceives I could take the wrong way. For example, today, she had sent me several messages via IM and email from her PDA. They were hung up on the ISP's provider, so I never got them. When she realized they had not gone through, she was quick to send me an email through her PC letting me know about the problem. Then, when I got home tonight, she wanted to show me her PDA to prove the messages did not go through. I never once complained about not getting any messages, and I have been upbeat and happy.
I just notice things like this now, and they seem to be happening more often.
Anyone else have a similar experience?
GIMA, Yes, this is progress. The fleeting touch is GREAT. Slowly keep that kind of stuff going. No Pressure touching when you get a chance.
And YES, My W started throwing little things out there when I wouldn't even have thought twice about them as if she was trying her best to be open with me. Two examples: One time she was on her way home from work and thought she had a tire going flat. She stopped at the gas station to check it out. She TM'd me to let me know why she was a little late coming home from work. She only ended up being about 10 minutes later than normal, but I wouldn't have thought twice about it because sometimes she gets caught up doing work and ends up working 15, 20, 30 minutes late. It seemed like her way of reassuring me.
Second example. There have been a couple times when she's said things to me about some calls she's received on her cell phone. We don't have a home phone, just cell phones, but one time a friend of her's cell phone died so she was using her H's phone and W made sure she pointed that out to me. I haven't looked at the cell bill in a long time, but I think she wanted me to know if I saw a weird number IF I looked that that was why it was there. She also points out to me when she gets weird calls from telemarketers etc so if I look I don't worry about it.
All in all, good stuff. If she's trying to reassure you that she's being honest, she recognizes that and it trying to regain your trust.
Like someone said on my thread one time, guilt is a M-F'er. Don't underestimate just how much she might be struggling with it.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Like someone said on my thread one time, guilt is a M-F'er.
Love it!
I don't think I am dealing with an OM issue (again, anything's possible, but absolutely no signs of it). If that is correct, then the only guilt I imagine she she could be dealing with is from hurting me. Early on, she said that was the hardest thing she was dealing with was knowing how much she hurt me.
Hurt is gone (or buried pretty deeply). All business now. I do expect that if, and when, W decides she wants to work on M, my feelings will come bubbling back to the surface, and I'll have to deal with them then. First things first though.
