Hi SB, Sorry to hear that things went as I though they would...there are just some things that seem to be very common among abusive spouses - and that belief that they are being attacked when one disagrees with them comes up over and over.
Do be careful, though, as it can be true that an emotionally/verbally abusive person can go further than before once the abused partner decides to leave.
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I HATE when he lectures me. I speak up, and it's shot down. I can't talk without feeling stupid. At one point, H said "Do you REALLY think that? Because everybody else in the world..." Does he listen to himself while he talks?
What you're describing here is a pattern of abuse...and it's described in very similar terms in the Patricia Evans book...btw...if you are reading books on abuse, angry men, etc, please do stay away from Lundy Bancroft's book - "Why Does He Do That" - which I think is a dangerous, irresponsible book.
When my STBX was verbally attacking me one night, she told me that I was the only person that had a problem with the kind of sexually flirtatious friendships she had with men - and that "normal people" (i.e. not me) did it all the time...She also told me that her friends could not believe that I would ever wonder if she would have an affair since, according to her, they all "knew she wasn't that kind of person." Only problem with that...was that she had had an affair...so she was that kind of person - but since her actions no longer fit into her reality, she had to concoct a different reality in which she could see me as the one at fault...
It's what abusers do - they gaslight, they twist reality, they make you susceptible to their points-of-view, and they take advantage of the goodness in you...It's very important to stop listening to what he says...or at least stop letting any of it influence how you think about yourself and what you need to do. From my experience, a lot of that need to control seems to be driven by fear - which is why, when the abused partner leaves, that fear can escalate into furious, sometimes frightening anger...
Please be careful...which books are you reading, btw?
