It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, peace and GG.

Yes, I am having fun dancing and am really looking forward to doing more of it. I had to give up one of the nights for my Deep Water Aerobics for it because it conflicted, but I like the more "co-ed" and "fun" side to dancing in addition to just "exercise".

I still haven't found my niche yet (I get embarrassed easily because I am actually pretty much an introvert), but I am meeting new people and having some fun and everybody has been very nice.

I can really feel myself cycling through the different stages of grief. I've been thinking about my convo with STBXH yesterday. I really can see the man I love inside him, even if he can't. I wonder sometimes if it's jusy a fantasy, but I don't think so. He has such potential inside him! And I believe/hope that eventually he will fully come out of this phase of his life a better man. I feel that I know him better than anybody on this earth, perhaps better than he knows himself sometimes, but I know he would disagree.

But, then I see that he is and likely always will be a workaholic to a great extent. He sees things in black and white and is so judgemental! He doesn't know how really "care" for anybody. If I cry, he always felt uncomfortable. I can't ever remember him coming to me and saying "It's going to be OK, honey." If I talked to him about a problem at work, he would never be supportive and encouraging. Instead, I think he always felt that he needed make me stand on my own two feet or I would just get more "lazy" (and as I've said, I now see it as depression rather than laziness). He had this same attitude with the kids.

Don't get me wrong. I know he truly believed (and probably still believes) this is how he should be. I know he tried to do his best to be a good husband and father. But, though I would have done anything to win him back to my side, and would still like the opportunity to try, I am not at all sure he can ever give me what I need to be truly happy in a relationship. (i.e. true connection and honesty and acceptance......) And his definition of fun is going out for drinks with friends (which I enjoy too, mind you) but I now also want to do other things too...... like the dancing, or maybe kayaking, or hiking, and I don't see STBXH getting into that.

So, right now, I don't know what I hope for as far as STBXH goes, or rather as far as my "love life" goes. Of course, I would love to see STBXH have that elusive "epiphany" and really open up and become the man I believe he can be and be willing to build the R I believe we can have! But realistically....... My biggest fear, actually is finding a new love and being exstatically happy, and then having XH have that epiphany! In some ways it might feel good to have that validation, but once I give my heart elsewhere, I won't go back....... but, I don't know if I could stand looking into H's eyes and seeing love and pain and be able to hurt him.....it would kill me.

Oh, well, who knows what tomorrow holds......yep, I'm a pro at "future fu**ing"! Can't cross bridges til I come to them.

Onward and Upward.