It is so heartbreaking! I honestly had absolutely no idea what really was going on with the QLC other than he was acting like a butt. And he had some dissatisfaction with life. But then he "recovered" so it seemed and was my loving H again. And now . . . had I known then what I know now . . .
Okay, I am just spinning right now and very upset.
My H was home all day and cleaning up his office space which he has not used for months and months really (hasn't been home long enough to use it). I really don't know what motivated him. Anyway, he has had this picture of me from our wedding up for as long as I can remember. When I saw what he was doing I was so afraid that he would take it down and was praying and praying that he wouldn't. And he did. Can't stop crying.
Why is this upsetting me so much? It is such a stupid little thing in the whole scheme of things. I know we are told to not believe 100% of what they say and 50% of what they do but what if this is the 50% of what I SHOULD believe??!
Ironically, he could tell something was wrong and wants to know what is wrong. I asked why he wanted to know and he said so he could help. Hmmm... What am I supposed to say to that? I told him I didn't want to talk about it right now and he left upset I won't tell him. And NO I won't tell him what is bothering me now. Ever.
I'm sure I will be fine and it will pass but this is so, so hard. How do you people who have been doing this for so long manage to keep from getting bitter and being able to feel any kind of love for your H/W at all? What I am feeling right now is definitely not love.
Can you get out and go for a walk or something? Get a bit of space to give you time to get your head in order? Some of the things that happen are just cruel and mean and hurtful. But it does depend on his motivation for it as well, and thats the part you are assuming.
Maybe he took the photo down because he is feeling so torn he cannot concentrate on anything and is trying to clear his head for a while too. Maybe it was because he thinks you guys are not in that place. Remember, those were just his thoughts at that time when he looked at it, in that hour, on that day. Hes still living in your house,isn't he? Maybe he really didn't think that moving it would hurt you. It is one little item. Its ok for it to be the item that brings you down. Feel it, let it out, then pick a fun item to do later in the day to move you all to a better head space.
Sometimes you need to loose the battle to win the war.
When I read this the first thing I thought was...hey, he's reconnecting, he's starting to do things at the home which he hasn't done in a LONG time. That's a baby step.
Who knows why he took the picture down. Don't try to figure it out. Focus on the baby step.
Second thing I noticed...he noticed you were upset and he asked you about you. How long has it been since he did that? Probably a LONG time. Another baby step.
Maybe tomorrow you can answer that question. Maybe...and that's what you will have to figure out...it's time to start answering his questions. In ten words or less let him know why you were upset. Just say "I'm upset you took the picture down." You don't need to tell him why unless he asks. Just answer the simple question. BUT remember that just for a few seconds he focused on you. He may be testing the waters...are you able to be honest with him and not hurt him?
How do I keep from getting bitter (or staying bitter). Prayer. That's the only way. I pray everyday that I am able to forgive my husband and when I pray that prayer I think about anything that I am feeling towards him that is wrong and ask God to help me not feel that way. And time. There was a time that I had to pray that God would help me want to talk to my husband. Also, I have found the little boy in him from so many years ago that is hurting. That's the person I focus on. I don't focus on the man who my husband was for so many months...I focus on the little boy who was hurt for so long and is just now being able to express himself.
Trusting, you have had two baby steps made by your husband today. Can you focus on them instead of the thing that has you upset? Just try. AND write those baby steps down...keep track of the good things. They will start coming more and more often.
They do wierd things that we just don't understand. After the bomb, my H put family photos UP in the living room. No he doesn't want to be M, basically wants to destroy our family, but puts up pictures for the world to see. Make sense?
Focus on the small steps. They were good. My H asked me what was wrong a month or so ago. I too couldn't answer. I was too emotional at the time. But it is something.
It hurt because you weren't ready. I took some of our pictures down, many months afterward. It was too hard for me to have them up. But there are other things that I have had to leave. It would have killed me if H did it though. I had to be ready.
You want to know a baby step that I didn't really recognize for a long time and almost forgot about, I rode in H's truck a few weeks ago. More than once. Haven't done that in a year. We always take my truck. Anyway, writing them down is good. Even if you look back later and they have not meant much to saving the M, because we just don't know, they do show that the human being is in there somewhere and sometimes THAT is what we need to remember.
Prayer. That is also what gets me through. You have no idea how much time I spend (although it is less now), just telling God, ok I'm angry about this and I am begging you to take it from me and replace it with forgivness and your love for my H cuz I just don't have it at the moment.
One thing I try to remember through all of this, when my S was almost 5, he looked at me and screamed "I hate you". At that instant, I hurt, was angry, and wanted to bawl. Then I realized, he is barely 5, what does he know? And a few minutes later, he was hugging his old mommy again. It was the moment. It was how he felt then. Yes, he got over it really quickly but it is basically the same thing. He felt it, he said it, and he moved on to the real, true, underlying stuff. Our H's are doing the same thing, minus the moving on. Or if they are, they are moving at a speed that we can't even see.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
They do irrational things, things that we cannot comprehend, i.e. analyzing the whys, ifs, ands or buts will not help you for we do not know what is going through their minds. I suspect the reason he took your photo down is that it reminded him of the special day and the vows that he took at that time. The photo, more than likely, brings out the guilt even more so. Guilt is something that they have a difficult time dealing with. So, what do they do? Avoid it at all costs. Please do not take the removal of your photo personally. It's all part of the process that he's going through. I know it hurts, but he's going to be doing a lot of "strange" things in the coming weeks.
You have to find a way to remember that this is not about you at all...but about him and the trip that he is on to find himself. The sad part is that we were not invited and yet, we are still a part of it. Step back as much as you can. Accept him for who he is right now and please, please keep your expectations at zero.
I agree with Snodderly that moving the picture was probably more about his guilt at his behavior and actions than an "I don't want to be married anymore." I am in a similar situation, my MLC H is still at home as well. Things that have helped me is to realize that this IS going to be a roller coaster. There are times that I think I just can't take another minute, and I go and have a good cry and exhaust myself, and then realize that it can only go up again. Knowing there will be variations perhaps will help the 'downs' not hit you so hard.
Things that have helped me to deal: 1. Someone suggested elsewhere that the MLC is kind of a multiple personality disorder type reaction. I can see this when there are times that my H is there, and other times the alien. I have to try to be positive when my H is in control and not punish him for the aliens behavior. By giving my H strength, I hope that he will reassert himself and not let the alien have full control.
2. Since this is a mental illness, do I give up on my H just because he is 'sick in the head'? What if he was schizophrenic? Or had a tumor or some other illness that was changing his behavior? Would I be more likely to stand by him then? So why would I give up on him now?
3. Actions always speak louder than words. My H is a good year into his MLC and he is still here. No matter how bad he is telling OW that his marriage is, he has not moved forward into breaking things off with me. That is something that the OW has to realize as well. That she is only good for 'free time' - and I hope it is damaging her self esteem.
4. Someone posted on another thread that they didn't want to end up as a practice marriage so that some other woman could enjoy their husband once he was all straightened out. As hurtful as this is, I think of this as the 'in sickness and in health, as well as the 'for better and for worse'. I try to imagine what our 25th wedding anniversary will be like. We will look back and ruefully think of all of the hurt and change, and how we are stronger together for having lived through it. (now if he would just get through it!) Try to have positive thoughts, and remember that people live up to expectations of them.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
I didn't see your post till just now... How are you doing today? Better I hope! We need to remember how crazy they are right now.
About a year ago, I bought my H a new wallet. A really nice one. Do you know what he did? When he transfered over to the new wallet, he took out the pictures of us.
Believe me I know it hurts. We are dodging bullets all the time. Remember it was only a week ago I found that awesome love letter on my pillow.
If it gives you any comfort, remember this... We both still live with our H (BUT) Mine filed for D nine months ago.
Continue to be STRONG Faith. It's all we can do for now. AND Pray... I talk to GOD all day long. HE has his hand on you, HE is in control of the situation. Put more TRUST in HIM than you ever have before.
It is really emotionally draining. Somtimes I think about being on a Tropical Island somewhere, relaxing and sipping something yummy on the beach. Then drifting off to sleep to the sound of the waves. Ah..... Paradise! Wanna go?
Makes me wonder if they would have done this for us. Standing by them. Mine would have been too lazy and intolerant of the situation. My things would have been in a super big pile in the front yard.
Thank you all for your responses. I do feel better today. I have to admit, I would rather believe he took it down out of guilt rather than a direct reflection of me.
Interestingly, right after I posted last night he knocked on the door and brought me a drink (when was the last time THAT happened?) and asked me again what was wrong. I just said in the whole scheme of things it wasn't important. He thought it must be important if I was so upset about it. Anyway, he didn't get the full answer. He did give me a nice hug.
I have a hard time sometimes focusing on the baby steps. Him being aware of things being wrong with me is fairly recent, and he pretty much always asks if I seem "off" (must be doing a good job of being happy most of the time!) and seems to really want to know like "my" H would, rather than pre and post bomb when he would ask (meanly) so he could have more fuel for his fire, something else I was doing/thinking/saying wrong.
The fact that he was even cleaning up that space is a step, I think, since he hasn't touched it for months. And months. He is normally organized and a neat freak and the last few months has been the polar opposite at home anyway (think teenage slob), so to see him spending chunks of time organizing and cleaning, even if it is only in his space, is good I think.
He has been home most of the time when not at work for probably close to about a month now. Granted, he is usually hiding in his cave. He interacts much, much better with the kids as of late. Yet with me he now seems even a bit more withdrawn, but maybe that is my perception because of expectations. That is why it is so confusing.
And as you said, FHS, if he was sick with anything else I wouldn't leave him so why would I now? When I am able to remember that it is easier to keep it in perspective.
I try to focus on and be happy when I see H and not be too bent out of shape by the alien.
I have to admit, the prayer time has been less lately for me for whatever reason, so I need to step that up to maintain my center. Thanks for the reminders.
