breakaway...I don't have any words of wisdom but just wanted you to know I am reading along and praying for you. Regardless of all of your H's back-peddling and going back to the same old tirades, I can also see glimmers of possible change in some of your threads. The key seems to be, from the outside, that when YOU stand your ground and are not afraid of him, he does respond and actually listen to you. Of course, real change for him will take a long long time and will likely be painful for both of you, so its still up to you to decide whether you want to stick around for it or not!
Just wanted to let you know that I am following along even if I don't always post. I ditto dancequeen. I have the same experience of seeing my H listen when I am strong and stand my ground -but it is also very tiring and difficult emotionally to keep up. With God all things are possible but not without a lot of hard work sometimes. Your choice. What are your intentions in the R and what choices will further those intentions and which choices will undermine them.
Lines of communication are staying open...he will even initiate conversations. Small "courtship" gestures happening. We were at an arcade for our son's birthday and the two of us played The Fast & The Furious for half an hour together. So last night he stopped at a game store and brought home some wild xbox racing game that was for US to play.
Last night he said two MAGIC WORDS to me..."I disagree." Not, You're wrong, or you can't say that, or you shouldn't feel that way.
Actually it did start that way...we were having a convo about a very touchy topic concerning the family business. And he started by saying You can't say that. I said, I can say anything I want. He said don't get mad, or you shouldn't be mad or whatever, and I said, I can be mad if I want to.
but we kept talking and then he AMAZINGLY said some things like well, I disagree with that. In a normal tone of voice. And he said, he could understand why I would feel the way I did, and maybe he should listen to another perspective that he hadn't thought of. So we talked it through, and it ended up being a very good conversation, where he understood that I just wanted him to CONSIDER what I was talking about and not be naive...and I considered his points and that maybe I was more worried about something than I needed to be.
we both talked about how confusing his parents could be, because they are so great about some things and then...well, they do very frustrating things and treat us like little kids in other ways. And he was able to understand that you can have TWO feelings about people. You can still love someone and be upset by something they did. It's not the end of the world.
So anyway, seemingly small things that are HUGE. And then I rewarded him.
He told me he was going to talk to his doctor about seeing an ADD specialist. We talked some about that. I told him about a couple we used to know that are getting divorced, only because I had just heard about it.
He said he doesn't think "we" really have a problem, it's more like life stresses and circumstances and not coping with them well has led to our problems. And we just need to learn how to deal with things better.
Worked the rest of the day. A bill came in the mail that he didn't know about, so we had some more long discussions about that in the evening. I admitted to lying about it a few months ago with all the upheaval going on. It was an extremely uncomfortable talk, but he said he wasn't going to do what he's done in the past and tear me down, and that I've continued to forgive him and forgive him for his failings and he was going to forgive me.
He said understood that I was covering it up to avoid any more strain, and he was like, OMG, are you really that afraid of me? The issue was not ever what the bill was for, it was something he knew about (for our house), he just thought it was paid off.
Later he said, is this one of the reasons you've been so upset and wanting to run away and divorce me? To avoid all this?
Ummm...partly.
So much has happened and been talked about I can't include it all. But things keep moving in the right direction.
Okay...all has been moving in a positive direction, even when there was disagreement.
This afternoon I can feel the storm clouds brewing. He is getting more and more irritable. I don't know why. I asked him if something was wrong, and he said "NO. I'm in a great mood!" Which he clearly is not. Just trying to keep a PMA.
Most of his moodiness passed, but he still showed a lot of old behavior towards S12, criticizing him and just talking to him in that voice. Just dogging him for no real reason. S12 seemed to not take it personally. I could tell he was confused, but tried to let it roll off his back.
When we went to bed, H was grumbling about how S12 is screwed up, and not right, blah blah. S12 has trouble sleeping and this has always angered H in a way I can't understand. Like he's personally offended that the kid is restless at night. And has been since he was 2 years old. Anyway, it just worries me to see him slipping into that negativity.
That being said, I still decided that today is D-day. I am going to tell him everything else about the financial sitch that has occurred over the last year. yippee
I would like to ask for a lot of prayers from people today. Please.
God is giving me calm. I listened to my weekly message from this ADD support site, and it was all about "summoning courage." Funny, I hardly ever listen to it. Guess I needed that this week. I've had a bunch of loose ends to take care of, and they are getting taken care of and I am feeling okay.
Today is my birthday, so I decided to wait til after. Not to procrastinate more, but I just didn't want to have a big ordeal on my birthday. H is being like the old H of long ago when we had some good times. He gave me a hilarious card today, one that's an inside joke between us. Wrote me a nice note. It's so nice not to have him rolling his eyes that we have to acknowledge my existence. And he got me my favorite chocolate. I've told him what it is a thousand times and he always always gets me something else. Today it was my fave brand. I think the kids helped him, but still. He has always had a propensity with anything, to ask you what you want, and then give you something similar, but different. It's weird. So it sounds dumb, but to find something that I, me, breakaway, prefers felt very special.
