When I went to MC with my STBX, she did an exceptional job of making me out to be a monster.
My H would probably think the same thing about me if he saw what has been written here. I want to make damn sure I'm keeping myself in reality, and that leads to questioning myself and my perceptions- "am I making too much out of this? am I distorting the facts?"
When I went to MC with my STBX, she did an exceptional job of making me out to be a monster.
My H would probably think the same thing about me if he saw what has been written here. I want to make damn sure I'm keeping myself in reality, and that leads to questioning myself and my perceptions- "am I making too much out of this? am I distorting the facts?"
That's what he wants! He works nonstop to make you feel this way. The person struggling with reality is HIM. Honestly, if you want clarity, you need to be away from him long enough to stop his influence on your thinking.
The bottom line is his actions are hurting you. Period. It doesn't matter if they "should" hurt you. They do. And he doesn't care. All he does is try to make you see the error in YOUR ways.
Bunny, if it were your daughter, sister, mother, friend, or a total stranger telling you this story, that this was happening to them, what would you tell them?
I want to make damn sure I'm keeping myself in reality, and that leads to questioning myself and my perceptions- "am I making too much out of this? am I distorting the facts?"
SB,
People who are distorting reality to suit their own ends tend not to ask themselves these sorts of questions. The nature of a board like this one, it's anonymity, lends itself to candor. From what I have read by you, you are not making too much out of the things you have experienced.
My concern for you, with regard to the distortion of reality, is the altered reality your H has created. His behavior is designed to have you question yourself. There is nothing wrong with your reactions; you are reacting as anyone would under these circumstances. Your H, it seems to me, is a very deft manipulator.
Please keep up the IC and only the IC for a while. I agree with Carlos that this is not the time for MC.
I want to make damn sure I'm keeping myself in reality, and that leads to questioning myself and my perceptions- "am I making too much out of this? am I distorting the facts?"
SB, You are not in a loving or healthy marriage.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I mostly lurk here, and I am in no position to advise anyone on ANYTHING, but if I may be so bold, you might want to take a look at "Love Without Hurt" by Stephen Stosny...not the chapters on his self-help program for abusive men who wish to rehabilitate themselves, but the "introductory" chapters about what living in an abusive (and he means emotional or verbal abuse, not physical) does to someone...how the years of "walking on eggshells" all the time takes such a toll. If I had the book handy, I would include some quotes from it.
Having been in & left an abusive relationship as a co-dependent
I can also heartily endorse the Stosny book as well as the Beattie book: The Language of Letting Go.. after 2 years this still is on my nightstand as a daily meditation.
Save yourself first... you deserve better... maybe he will grow to be 'better', but as it exists, this is not a healthy or supportive relationship and the only person you can affect change in, is you.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
H and I haven't really discussed the MC session yet- we're supposed to come up with some goals for our marriage for the next session (that's a week from Tues.)
One thing did come out yesterday- H and I were discussing an issue regarding S18 and how to best handle it. We have had issues with him off and on during his senior year in HS, but H is the one that S18 can't and doesn't want to talk to. (He has the same difficulties in talking to H that I do.) At the MC, I mentioned "his" issue with S18, meaning communication (this was while we were talking about H being angry and hard to talk to), and H jumped my sh*t yesterday about it- "We BOTH have an issue with S18. The way you said it makes me sound like I'm a major @sshole!" Sound familiar, Carlos? You were right. So it looks like we have our assigned roles- he's the @sshole, and I'm the nutcase. I can only wonder what else he's seething about from the MC. I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.
The talk yesterday did fall into the same patterns- H lecturing me on how I don't handle S18 and other things right, I HATE when he lectures me. I speak up, and it's shot down. I can't talk without feeling stupid. At one point, H said "Do you REALLY think that? Because everybody else in the world..." Does he listen to himself while he talks?
In the meanwhile, I am considering the apartment again. My best friend also thinks it may be a good idea. I'm not calling the bldg manager until after the next MC session, but I'm getting stuff ready and organized in the meantime. It's about time for fall cleaning anyways, so it won't look out of the ordinary and it's stuff I've been meaning to do. You know, old pics of the kids and needlework projects should be organized, the closet gone through, paperwork taken care of, that kind of stuff, so that when I'm ready to leave, I can just grab and go quick.
Be very careful... in my experience & from what I was told by my IC, leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous time physically for a woman.
EVEN IF they have not been physically abusive in the past... this is the time when it can be triggered.
If you read the early parts of "lost in iowa" thread I gave her some suggestions on what to do to prepare for that time.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
