XH has decended from the cloud of MLC , HELP

[floridababe]

Thank you everyone for your answers.
Just wanted to let you know XH was very happy I called and said to call again, however I told XH, he can call me anytime he would like, and then left it at that. We talked like we where old friends, because basically thats exactly what we are anyway. The result of the call was to acknowledge his issue of surgery and my concerns about daug and their relationship again. XH was very happy that they have contacted each other and so am I. My daug's happiness is much more important to me. Trust me, there was no re-establishing R, in this call. Just two old friends talking about their children. It took along time for him to come out of this cloud and world he lived in. I am just very glad that he did. Do I want him back, no. Down the road maybe but thats along time away...I have a very nice life right now and would not drop it for any man. I also did let my bf know of the phone call and he was fine with it. He has children with his XW, so they also talk on the phone as well. I have no issue with it either. I take one day at a time in my life now with everything I do. I am not attached like I was with my XH.

Snodderly, I am doing well, thank you for asking.

But again, thank you all for your comments and concerns. This is exactly why I came back here....answer from people who are and have been thru what I have gone thru...THANKS!!!!

[floridababe]

Update,

XH has extended himself to me. Has been emailing me and trying to assist me in getting a job. As I just lost mine. XH has told my d that he wants to come back to me and asked her if I would take him back. I know what you are all gonna say...I did reply to email and told him under no set circumstances that I am NOT rushing into anything. That we need to start over from scratch if any kind of R was going to start. That we need to become friends again as in the last 6 yrs alot has happened. We have to rebuild the friendship first and go from there. That he has to come clean about what and why he did what he did. I want an apology! Then I will go from there and it will have to be alot of rebuilding our friendship. Its a start and I am going to take it one step at a time and re read the DB peicing it back together section.

Thank you all and I appreciate any and all comments you may have for me..
God bless you

[job]

One step at a time. I think you are very wise to begin over from "scratch". He has to prove himself worthy of you and yes, trust needs to be gained by and from his actions. Do not be surprised if he wants to sweep everything under the rug. They tend to want to do this. Also, an apology may not come in the way that you expect. Some of them have a difficult time apologizing and will do it in other ways.

Good luck!

[floridababe]

Snodderly,
Thank you..always wise words! This is his way to apologize..in his own way. He will go over and above for you. But thats just not going to cut it anymore. I want to hear those words. #1 reason is because of the words he said to me the day he walked away..."I love you but I am not in love with you anymore"..

Does he think he can just sweep those words under the rug. I can forgive, because I forgave myself along time ago. And I am no one without fault myself. But those words just sit in my heart and to make that heart pump again I need to hear something from him. Is it that he realizes now after all this time of what he lost. I said all along he was in MLC and his battle was a tough one becuase of his demons...no one believed me. But now they do and I have received an apology from his sister who was the cornerstone of our D.

We have to start from scratch, thats the only way I will do it....I dont know him anymore like he doesnt know me anymore. I am not that "do all" woman I use to be. He may not even like me now, I did DB myself very well. I became that independent person I lost all those yrs ago..

But thank my dear friend for your thoughts...I am indeed taking one step at a time.

[forward]

FB...you are doing what the DB C told me. In the unlikely event that H expressed a desire to actually make an effort, I would treat him as I would any other man. I would not move in with him right away, that sort of thing.

He should not be sharing these things with your D and I would ask him not to.

[addie]

FB,
You are right in that the two of you have to start from scratch. 5 years is a long time and a lot has happened in that time. Build the friendship again and see where it may lead.

You mentioned that he will have to come clean about what and why he did what he did. However, he may not even understand it himself. What he said to you the day he walked out ILYBINILWY is pretty standard script for the WAS. Most of us on here hear those words.

My H and I are now Piecing and he realizes that he made many wrong decisions but he doesn't understand why he did what he did. He still carries a lot of guilt over what happened between us.

I would caution you to not let him move back in right away. Take things very slow.

[floridababe]

Forward, Thank you

XH is 8 states away and no I am not moving him. Not physically or mentally. We need to start all over from scratch. I have no idea if he is the same man he was or a new one that I may not even like anymore.

One day at a time is all I am going to take for myself.

Thanks again!

[mandyloo]

It is very hard to sit and watch these men self destruct, yours like mine is going to find it very hard to look at themselves and see what they have done, but I suspect in time they are going to have to do just that, otherwise they wont be able to live with themselves, I too have been at this 4 years or more. take care and hold your head high

[Treese]

FB....Did your H live with OW or did he marry her?

I've been in this 2+ years now....H pretty much is living w/ OW...our Girls do not speak to him and he sees our son very rarely...still thinks he's done the right thing by leaving...

I so want him to see that the grass isn't greener w/OW...but right now I guess it is....He's been in a relationship with OW for about 3 years now as far as I know...he had her before the bomb...

[floridababe]

Mandee loo and Treese,

Thank you! It was very hard for me to watch this man just walk away from everything he loved and go into this alien world that was built in his head. As long as "you take care of you" ...things work out well for you! Thats why when the big D came, I decided to go south. That was always something I wanted to do. This timeI bought my own house and I can say I did it myself. I would have not been able to do that before. I got a new outlook on life from DB....and it was me who changed me. Not for him but for myself. I love the independent woman I have become again. That was the person I lost all those years ago. There arent days that I go back into that shell...but then I emerge strong again. I didnt let XH win, I wouldnt let him self destruct me as well.

As for the OW he did move her into his apt and that lasted for 6 mos or so. (XH found out that the old ball and chain wasnt as bad as he thought she was)...I didnt need to get my nails done every week and go on trips and all the bull that this woman wanted. About a year or so he moved away cause she turned into a stalker...lol.

Treese, I let him have his D that he wanted. I let him have his life that he wanted....and he needed to see for himself that it wasnt as good as he thought it was. He was in the ILU phase/honeymoon phase....I didnt contact him at all. INfact all our friends use to call me and tell me everythnig he did. That it got to the point I had to tell them STOP! I moved on with my life. But again I couldnt have done it without what I learned from here.

Hang in there guys...its a journey sometimes long sometimes not. Mine was and it is still going on but one day the clouds will let that sunshine thru for you as well....