Advice on DB-ing when sep spouse lives at home

[foreverhesaid]

I agree with Snodderly that moving the picture was probably more about his guilt at his behavior and actions than an "I don't want to be married anymore." I am in a similar situation, my MLC H is still at home as well. Things that have helped me is to realize that this IS going to be a roller coaster. There are times that I think I just can't take another minute, and I go and have a good cry and exhaust myself, and then realize that it can only go up again. Knowing there will be variations perhaps will help the 'downs' not hit you so hard.

Things that have helped me to deal:
1. Someone suggested elsewhere that the MLC is kind of a multiple personality disorder type reaction. I can see this when there are times that my H is there, and other times the alien. I have to try to be positive when my H is in control and not punish him for the aliens behavior. By giving my H strength, I hope that he will reassert himself and not let the alien have full control.

2. Since this is a mental illness, do I give up on my H just because he is 'sick in the head'? What if he was schizophrenic? Or had a tumor or some other illness that was changing his behavior? Would I be more likely to stand by him then? So why would I give up on him now?

3. Actions always speak louder than words. My H is a good year into his MLC and he is still here. No matter how bad he is telling OW that his marriage is, he has not moved forward into breaking things off with me. That is something that the OW has to realize as well. That she is only good for 'free time' - and I hope it is damaging her self esteem.

4. Someone posted on another thread that they didn't want to end up as a practice marriage so that some other woman could enjoy their husband once he was all straightened out. As hurtful as this is, I think of this as the 'in sickness and in health, as well as the 'for better and for worse'. I try to imagine what our 25th wedding anniversary will be like. We will look back and ruefully think of all of the hurt and change, and how we are stronger together for having lived through it. (now if he would just get through it!) Try to have positive thoughts, and remember that people live up to expectations of them.