My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

Ah, just ended another relationship. Again. I got a lot of insight into myself in reading about abandonment--and why I keep finding myself in such pain. I keep getting invited into relationships, resisting, then once I am blissfully connected--boom! it isn't real, it isn't what I thought I was being invited into, and I have to adjust and try to be something I'm not, try not to feel what I feel. And then I feel foolish, naked, and--until now--defective. No longer feel defective, just foolish and naked. And so hurt. No, I wasn't misreading cues; going back thru old emails and messages, I was clearly invited in. And I should have known better--but I was so wounded and isolated, and he felt so much like "home," that I was sucked right in. And then--I was alone in it. And I just can't do that to myself any more. For months I have tried to adjust, tried not to feel, tried to be "healthy" but I just can't stuff that genie back into the bottle. So tired of hurting on top of being wounded.

Yes, this hurts, it's scary; I probably just broke the only connection I have. But I can't make myself fit into it, and I can't change it. So yeah, there will be a lot of grief, and I feel lost. But ultimately I won't feel as abandoned--again--as I have.