checking in ... again

[garyjlost]

Hi. Several months have passed since my last message here. Sorry for the long absence, but I was probably expending too much time and energy THINKING about my marriage. I just needed to live the marriage. So I stopped coming to the DB forums. But several months have now elapsed and while my marriage is now better than it was a year ago, that isn't necessarily saying very much.

I feel like I need someone's feedback ...

Got a minute?

I don't expect you to plow through my entire story again. Heck, it wasn't that interesting to begin with. So here's the capsule version:

My wife and I had drifted apart. We had been together 17 years. We have a daughter, 10 years old. My wife was solely focused on our daughter. I was focused on projects outside of the family. We led separate lives.

I wasn't happy. My wife wasn't happy. (She was becoming a walk-away wife.) She had very little interest in me sexually. She looked outside the marriage for sex partners. I found out about her and another guy. I told her what I knew. We nearly divorced.

Because we have a daughter, we reconsidered. We had never really worked very hard at making the marriage satisfying. So we both agreed to make changes and to do our best to make the marriage what we wanted.

I dropped my outside projects. I started going to church with the family. I changed my work schedule so it allowed me to spend a maximum of time with my family. I became more affectionate. I talked more to my wife. We shared much more of our lives together.

My wife agreed that our daughter needed to start sleeping in her own bed. So at long last, this finally happened. (Yea!) She agreed that we'd get a babysitter so that we can spend time together (yea!)

As a result, our marriage improved considerably. We have had date nights. There was more intimacy (relatively speaking). There was more sex (relatively speaking).

But were we really happy?

Well, old patterns started to reassert themselves ...

My wife is happy with sex once every month or two. I'd like to make love a little more often than that. Once or twice a week, maybe? So while we had a short honeymoon period after the reconciliation, the frequency of sex is now much diminished.

I make advancements. She turns me down. I make advancements. She turns me down. I'm no sex addict. I make advancements maybe once a week.

We are now back to my wife's schedule for love making. This is killing me.

I have expended a considerable amount of energy in changing my habits, in becoming a better family man and a better husband--but this means I feel a greater since of intimacy with my wife and I need to make love to her more frequently than once every month or two. I'm dying here.

I'm becoming grumpy again. This got me in trouble in the past.

I don't know how to talk to my wife about this. She typically refuses to talk about sex. She refuses to compromise in situations like this. I think she derives more pleasure from denying me sex than from making love to me. It gives her power.

It's so difficult to arrange love making. My wife will ONLY have sex after we share a romantic evening on the town. Love making MUST be the very last item on the evening's agenda. So typically after a date night, we get home and my wife is tired. Alcohol tends to make her sleepy, and she drinks lots of alcohol. I then have the task of driving home the babysitter. I rush to get the babysitter home. I get back to my wife and ... and she says she's too tired. Tomorrow. Well, tomorrow there are new excuses. This is my life.

I don't know how to talk to my wife about this. She'll take it as a personal attack and become defensive. She won't listen to my needs.

She is very self centered, at her own admission.

So I'm re-reading SEX STARVED MARRIAGE. It has some strategies for discussions. And I'm reading PASSIONATE MARRIAGE.

But I feel so very alone.

I don't know if this is a situation that can be fixed.

Your thoughts?

Thanks.