Karen is right. If your W is in an A, she doesn't deserve your openness or initimacy right now. If she can get those things from OM AND have you to fall back on, then she is cake eating. Of course she does'nt want you to pull back, then she loses part of her safety net (a very big part) and things don't go as she planned.
I agree with Karen that right now is the time for LRT. You have to shake her up a bit. You did that with the checkbook, and despite what your W told you, that was GOOD. She needs to be uncomfortable with her decision to D you. If she does NOT feel uncomfortable or stressed, then you are assisting in your own execution. Which is why you need to pull back (i.e., NO pursuit - no foot rubs, no massages, no invites to dinner dates, no intimacy).
Karen is dead on here - your openness may be a 180 for you, but it isn't working. If anything, I think it is making her decision to move forward with D even easier b/c in a sense, you are rolling over and giving her exactly what she wants. I suspect if you stay on this course, there will be no change on her decision to D.
You don't have to be rude to her (and I'm NOT suggesting you do that). But, get busy with yourself doing two things: (1) Make changes in yourself and FOR YOURSELF, that need to be made (I would suggest working on your assertiveness and self esteem - pick up "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and read it) and (2) Get busy GAL'ing (reconnect with some old friends, start meeting friends for dinner and a movie, get back in shape, pick up a hobby you've always wanted to do).
Point of all this is that your W needs to see you improving yourself and being happy WITHOUT her. She also needs to get the understanding (by you not including her in your GAL'ing) what it's going to be like when she loses her BFF. This MAY make her stop for a minute to reconsider her decision to D. But I believe it is only once she comes to that understanding (that you will be civil with her to help raise the kids but NOT her friend if she D's you and breaks up your family) that she may change her mind about D.
One last thing (and sorry for the long post). I have not seen many (any?) sitch's here where the WAS had a realistic view of what the end result of D would be. In virtually every sitch (MINE INCLUDED), the WAS truly believes D is a good thing and, here's the key, that ridiculous premise appears to be based upon the WAS's belief that their soon to be ex will still be their best friend. I don't know about you, but I value my family too much to be "friends" with ANY person who would break it apart. I feel strong emotions towards such a person, and none of them are "friendly."
