Not much been happening with me. H has been away for a couple of weeks for work, so only very short calls pretty much about kids once a day.
I have been working on my PMA which had no reason to take a dive for a few days. Lots of exercise was a good starting point. Changed quite a few little things around in the house, feels better for me, getting nice feedback from visitors. Accepting all invitations to go out, and inviting others over much more than usual.
Don't tell H much of my GAling, but do sent Txt photos (no words) of toddlers from all sorts of places, top of amusement ride at country fair, running through feild wildflowers in desert, picnic beach our family spot sunny day etc. Thats been in the last month.
Think I have recharged ready for the unconditional love side of it. Reset expectations to zero. Prepared for H to drop leaving bomb again(as predicted by horroscope!). Sent H txt telling him how much I appreciated he was doing. He responded very well to that the following day, much longer conversation.
I find after spending a bit of time away from H it can be a good time to present myself as a different person, so will buy couple causal outfits to remind myself. Will up the boundary setting on the minor issues over the line, see how that goes.
H came home after a pretty limited contact couple of weeks away so wasn't quite sure where we would be. Best part of Hs time at home is always the first few days, as you would expect.
Positives
-H came straight home from work, first time all year he didn't overnight on way home. -got ILY on phone while H driving home. Just realised this has now happened three times, the only ILYs all year have been when he drives home. -first words out of mouth were "mummy has been doing lots of yard work". Been doing lots for months, no verbal comment prior. Previous first comments first day back more negative "so much work needed" -lots of playing and bonding with kids -undertook several big yard projects having fun not cos he had to. -Lots of respect and excellent communication first between us few days. More "Our house" "we" comments.
Not so good
-after about six good days in a row, H hit replay when we went out to an informal family event. First such event he has attended all year, even though it was small and he likes everyone there, he spent the evening doing stuff like not talking to me, not getting me a drink when getting one for others etc. First time he has actaully done that in front of other people entire crisis, I found it odd he wait until now. He did mutter under his breath "one last hurrah" while having a drink. I still had a great night out myself. -Next day H, hungover, yelled at one of our toddlers having a tantrum. The kid was screaming, H only said one sentence but he has never yelled at the toddlers before, again a first. I have been waiting for a chance to state a boundary so said in front of toddlers " I think that was unnecessary and that you owe toddlers an apology" Got the apology, but as you might expect a lot of attitude as well. - I broke down in tears. He yardly yelled at toddler (I know compared to others here he is great with kids), I was just so shocked he did at all, and it was the straw on the camels back for me. H felt real bad straight away and started playing with kids and cuddling them etc, I grabbed my keys, took off out of the house to a very good friend who knows sitch and cried all night, didn't say a word or contact H. First time all crisis I have walked out and stayed out all night. -Next day H called and said he had arranged to go back to work early so could I come back home for the kids. I was expecting that he would leave, but he has always previously gone to the city after similar events and hung with mates.
I asked him if he thought he should apolgise to me for his behavior. He said "yes, sorry". I asked him if he thought it was ok to say very hurtful things and not apologise to me when he crossed way over the line. He said, no he should apologise. I asked him if he meant to say very hurtful things to me on an ongoing basis, because if he did that was pretty uncool, and if he didn't realise he was hurting me that was not good either. He said he was going back to work to "get his head straight and do some thinking". - I came home and dishes were done as was heaps of stuff around he house, H spoke to me nicely but withdrawn.
It felt a weird sequence of events. In some respects, it was normal, forward movement then pullback. My boundary mention went down well and I felt good about doing that for me. I cried in front of H, he hasn't seen that for four months, so ok I guess. I feel left with an odd vibe, it seemed like we jumped all over the place, left me a little confused!
So now it will be several days of minimal contact from him again.
Gosh so hard when you`re getting mixed messages like this Storm. Seems more like your H is confused after a few days rather than actually turning away from you-ergo, he takes his frustration out on everyone.
Think you`ve got to hang on to the positives in your head. Setting boundaries is important-glad you did that.
I`m wondering about the crying/showing feelings thing. I know DB says not to cry but I think I`ve been too indifferent in front of H and that comes across as cold. I just don`t know how much feeling to show anymore.
Like that you`re at least getting ILY! And that you`ve a shoulder to cry on.
Yeah, I think once every four months is kind of ok for a sob. H did say to me several months ago "you cry to express emotion, I get that"
Hey I just got off the phone to a DB coach, who suggested I was on the right track and pretty much not to be tempted to rush things. Got a few tweaks to work on such as more reflective listening, but felt it was good for where I am at.
I am never sure if the ILY is habit or intentional!
Well,habit or intentional, I think an ILY is a wonderful positive! At least he isn't making an effort to avoid saying it at all costs.
Again, it does look like a lot of positives and until it is all over, those pullbacks and times of being withdrawn are par for the course. At least we know and can expect them!
Have you noticed a pattern of those pullbacks getting shorter?
Hmm, patterns of pullbacks probably similar but related to travel for work so somewhat predictable.
GAL activities, I am always pretty bad at listing those! Still keeping myself busy. Toddlers both been real sick with a terrible flu season so slowing me down a bit at the moment with people interaction. Have long distance house guests next week so probably short term focus on prep for that. - Teaching myself about the stars, need to structure my learning. - Time for a few new clothes, bit of research into outfits and shoes (local shops a bit limited, start with online research). - catch up with couple of friends for exercise and lunch (one cancels other out!) - maybe a bit of tiling if I can handle toddlers, tiles and wet grout together - lots of smiling for myself this week too
Oh! I went through an astronomy phase too SR! Just love looking up there and at least figuring some constellations out! You probably have brilliant skies for that in your neck of the woods! Some brill websites out there too to help.Enjoy!
I`d pass on tiling with toddlers!In fact any redecorating with toddlers is just too mind blowingly difficult IMHO. Waaay too stressful!
Friendship and glamour-now they`re really my things! Found them really hard to do when mine were small-well, esp the glamour. Sort of lost myself in those years. Mistake! Glad you`re keeping well!
