GG, mine was going to move to another state with OW. Two weeks was all it took for him to forget he said that. So his answer was, well if i said it, i didn't mean it. Dont even get me started on the stuff that I guess I imagined hearing.
Mercury retrograde, retrograde means the planet APPEARS to be moving backwards. It really isn't but that is how it looks, so it will pass conjunctions, squares, etc with other planets and asteroids going backwards, and then it stops, goes forward again, and repasses those points. Mercury represents communication. So when Mercury is retrograde it CAN mean that communication is skewed. Miscommunications are more likely to happen, misunderstandings, etc...but like everything, it is sort of what you make it, you just have to be a little more careful in your listening and talking during this time. I'll explain better later.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks for that Cat. Not sure I believe in anything astrologically but am learning to keep an open mind on everything!
Yeah, the listening talking thing is like playing with hand grenades at times.
Good session with therapist tonight. Good in that she agreed H was a head case(no not quite her words) and that he has huge difficulties with all relationships.
Then focusing on how I can direct him in some gentle non controlling way to be a better father to his kids.
I`m glad cos I really need for him to be there for them in some way at least and become sensitive to their needs.
A damage limitation execise for them all as we move forwards to God knows where!
Astrology has always fascinated me. And believe it or not it is quite accurate. But I believe in all sorts of wierd stuff so who is to say if any of what I say has any merit. LOL.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Therapist spent quite a good bit of the time on Fri focusing on the damage done to the kids.
I swear this is the bit that just breaks me up.
H came home early Weds-Fri. An hour early. Wassup?The kids don`t run out to him anymore. He doesn`t rush into see them either. But when he comes into the room they do acknowledge him of course(yeah, sounds very sad). I was with them on Fri evening for that. DS12 chatting to H, H responding monosyllabically, D9 observing. H sits on sofa and closes his eyes. Not asleep really but kids shut out. They go back to watching TV.
He might do something really big-take them all for Chinese, go fishing for one day then nothing at all for weeks. He has complained about the amount of golf DS14 plays(I`m glad D is out of the house for his sake)D14 palys with other guys and THEIR fathers-H has taken him golfing twice this YEAR.
I`ve set boundaries for me with H and it has worked. I`ve stopped controlling him and that has been good for me too. I don`t ask him to do anything in the house or with the kids but now I think I need to set boundaries there too. He needs to learn to be the father he never had(father alcoholic wife beater). Yeah, its too late, but he needs to do little things along that road.
He`s busy showing me lately that we have utterly different values in our rearing of the kids. "You closetted D14 too much""Its okay for your niece to sleep with two different guys"
Scary!
I`m reckoning its part of his`we should never have married routine` and also getting me angry over kids as he`s had no success with engaging me in battle since I started to DB.He`s already used them as a threat against me("I`m going to tell them all about us right now!")
So I`ve to play this game smart too.
This week I`m going to ask him to do something with each of the kids-nothing preplanned, just a "could you please help ___ with homework/collect from football" whatever. and if he`s snappy with the kids(as he is) I`m going to intervene.Calmly of course!
My biggest worry re S was that it would damage the kids. Stay together for the sake of the kids etc.Now I wonder if sticking this as long as I have hasn`t damaged them more.
Last week I focussed on being mysterious and letting H go(booked mediation for S) Staying with mysterious theme this week. Also continuing to let go.
-going out one night this week all dressed up, not telling H where -keep looking fab every day(I`m noted at work for being glam!lol! You wouldn`t have said that two years ago!) -sort out all receipts, get expenses sheet started for separation negotiations(part of letting go) -book a week end away for ME -burn incense, keep meditating. (Its a do something diff approach that has given me my heart back) -get biking(something we have in common) -work on family tree(another common interest) -have fun with the kids(H can see us happy without him)
I a so proud of you. You have really started to recognize what you need.
The kid thing. Finding myself filled with anger about that this week. My H and S, they used to be best buddies. Yes I was always too lenient according to H (I wanted S to be kid, not mini adult or robot). It wasn't a huge issue, in terms it didn't cause arguments, H will not say S is bad kid, just that S has little respect for me. On a dictator type of level, H is right. And now that S is a little older, that is something that we are working on. But I let my mind wander there. I have almost been wishing I left it in the toilet the other day, or in the gutter that Mach and Trapt suggested LOL.
I have detatched myself from H. I am not bothered by his actions anymore or even wonder about them really, in fact, usually I just sit back and watch with twisted amusement at whatever he is going through. Realizing that some of this stuff, I may just have to accept as a part of him and not the MLC down the road (Uggh...) But the thing with my S, well that makes my blood boil in ways I didn't think were possible. It also breaks my heart. I am afraid it is what may be my undoing down the road. I feel that I can only watch so much.
Funny, Snodderly and others have said that they detatch from us first, then others, with the exception of much of H's family, I have seen that. First MIL (sort of), aunts and uncles, although reconnection or connection with cousins he had lost much touch with for so long, then me, then the bringing in of new friends and old friends from childhood. Then the new friends seemed to fade, attempted reconnection with mother (failed now seeming acceptance), still spew at me, then detatchment from S. That has just been these last 5 months or so. Yes they had a blow up that seemed to trigger the distance, and there are single days of normal behavior but not enough to matter IMO.
Yes guys, I realize it is all part of it. I know and I know there is nothing I can do about it, even if I may want to. And this is where I am having my issues. I don't let him get away with too much but I also don't try to force him to do anything he doesn't want to as far as parenting. I have tried that round about approach and that is usually when something happens. Although I did think I was seeing something moving toward a reconnection between them, I really am not sure as H is still in his all blinding bubble apparantly. We will see.
I am just beginning to wonder if I can accept H as this type of father in the long run, because that is the one thing that I always was able to love about him, to delight in, to respect, no matter what else happened, and now that is gone.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
FG how old is your S? Mine is 21 and when this whole sorry mess started for me, H & I agreed that we would not make him side with either of us. There have been times when H has crossed the line with S and tbh it has made the mother in me see red. Thankfully my S is old enough and gutsy enough to tell H where to get off is he pushes his luck too much. IMHO its probably good to set your S the best example of how to behave in a really horrid situation, and let him see H being a bad example of a father, let S know you are always there to talk to him about things.
Echo Cat brilliant news that you are starting to recognise your own needs and move them up the list of priorities.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I think asking H to help with the kids is reasonable on several levels. You understand enough how to back off if its not working. I would suggest starting with the more fun, shorter activities they both like to begin with. Times when H is likely to be fresh and more relaxed. Keep activites short so that if its not a good day it has less time to get worse.
He is just not looking at the kids right now. He will again further along the track at some stage. If it just not working now I do think its better to try a little later, you gave it your best shot.
It's the best you can do between helping your kids and letting things take their course.
