They do wierd things that we just don't understand. After the bomb, my H put family photos UP in the living room. No he doesn't want to be M, basically wants to destroy our family, but puts up pictures for the world to see. Make sense?
Focus on the small steps. They were good. My H asked me what was wrong a month or so ago. I too couldn't answer. I was too emotional at the time. But it is something.
It hurt because you weren't ready. I took some of our pictures down, many months afterward. It was too hard for me to have them up. But there are other things that I have had to leave. It would have killed me if H did it though. I had to be ready.
You want to know a baby step that I didn't really recognize for a long time and almost forgot about, I rode in H's truck a few weeks ago. More than once. Haven't done that in a year. We always take my truck. Anyway, writing them down is good. Even if you look back later and they have not meant much to saving the M, because we just don't know, they do show that the human being is in there somewhere and sometimes THAT is what we need to remember.
Prayer. That is also what gets me through. You have no idea how much time I spend (although it is less now), just telling God, ok I'm angry about this and I am begging you to take it from me and replace it with forgivness and your love for my H cuz I just don't have it at the moment.
One thing I try to remember through all of this, when my S was almost 5, he looked at me and screamed "I hate you". At that instant, I hurt, was angry, and wanted to bawl. Then I realized, he is barely 5, what does he know? And a few minutes later, he was hugging his old mommy again. It was the moment. It was how he felt then. Yes, he got over it really quickly but it is basically the same thing. He felt it, he said it, and he moved on to the real, true, underlying stuff. Our H's are doing the same thing, minus the moving on. Or if they are, they are moving at a speed that we can't even see.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
