Magnificent

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, (((((Mish))))).

I don't see cynicism in what you write. I see pain.....and maybe some fear.....

There is so much of your sitch I can identify with. As you know, my D24 is high functioning autistic, and my H's relationship with her is fraught with disfunction. And I do believe, though he will never admit it, that he feels a failure with her (and possibly with S18 too).

The hating what you see in the mirror. I have always struggled with my weight, but I now see that much of it's because I have actually unknowingly suffered from depression all my life, although both H and I just thought I was a lazy fat slob. And though I've lost 50lbs in the last year, all I think when I look in the mirror is that I need to loose at least 50 more!!

So, I know a little of how you feel...... but I think that love is real...... it just depends on your definition of love. It's hard to explain, but I'll try. I've come to believe that it's all about what I feel and how I express it (both inside myself and to others). It's not about how someone else feels about me.

For example, you know I think that the dream house STBXH and I were planning and working on in the last years of our M was a very painful issue for me. Thinking of him having it without me.......and in fact sharing it with someone else was excruciating!! I always tried to "buy" his approval, and that house was the epitome of that, and to have him take it and not me felt like emotional rape!

But, not long ago, I thought about it, and I decided that if love is unconditional (or if I truly believe that it should be) then I have to be willing and able to exhibit that in my own love. Remember the golden rule....do unto others.... It's about living by your own set of values. I can't dictate what others do, but for myself I choose to love unconditionally (and I am NOT talking about being a doormat!!). Someday, I really do hope that I will meet somebody who will share that same "definition" of love, and hopefully we can build a happy life together.

Does that make sense???

Anyway, I thought I would share.

Take care, and keep up the great work you are doing!! C has helped me (and will continue to help me) more than I can say. Just remember that like many things in life, you usually get out of it what you put into it..... so invest yourself for yourself. You're worth it! We all here know it!! Someday, you will know it too!!

((((((hugs))))))